I like cheese. Cheese is good. Cheese is tasty and enjoyable. Cheese is a dairy product. It's made out of dairy goodness. Except for evil cheese. Evil cheese is good cheese's dark super wonder twin, and it hangs out in corners of the refrigerator trying to subvert other tasty foodstuffs. Beware evil cheese. Flee if you see it. Tell it you will not submit to its foul temptations! Its blandishments will lead you to naught but pain and suffering! Paaaain! Suffeeeerrrring!!

On the other hand, evil yoghurt is fairly pleasant, as evil dairy chaps go. He's even gotten me front seat tickets to next week's Aussie Rules match. Not that I go for that sort of thing. But still. Very nice gesture.

But we're getting off the topic here, and that topic is CHEESE! CHEEEEEEEEESE! Cheesity goodness! Melty, dripping, crumbled, shredded, sliced, any way you like it, it's cheese! And it's made of other, smaller cheeses! Some are made up of as many as six point two three five four smaller cheeses. Like parmesean. You have to watch that one, it's tricky and clever. But it's also very nice use to insulate your house. And makes excellent clogs. Though you have to soften it first if you want to actually get any sort of leather upper on it. Not that I approve of leather uppers, mind you! Oh no sir! For those are cruel to put on cheese, for the cheese, it is sentient and it knows where that leather came from! That cow was its god once and you've just nailed god's hide onto that self-same worshipper! O foul demon! O cruel master!

Throughout the ages, cheese has been admired for its full-bodied flavour, its sense of justice, and its good heart. You'll never see cheese tripping old ladies in the street, no sir, that is NOT cheese's way. Cheese is like a four aitch member, lovingly helping little old granny esmerelda across the four lane highway on a moped. Cheese is caring and giving and asks for nothing in return. They tried to write a "Chicken Soup for the Cheese's Soul," but it was phenomenally low-selling, because cheese just needs no inspiration to be good and humble.

Have you ever looked closely at cottage cheese? Did you know that cottage cheese is actually made out of the souls of angels up in heaven? It's true! Why, I bet you've probably consumed some saint's soul at some point in your life, if you've ever been on a diet. No wonder it's good for you. Especially with fruit. Why yes, fruit enhances any soul. What a privilege you should have, to be able to eat some luscious pineapple with the soul of St. John the Baptist. Ahh, I envy you even now.

And danishes! Have you ever beheld so lovely a sight as a danish slipping quietly into the forest at night trying to find kindling with which it may start a toasty fire on which to warm itself so that it may present itself as all the more pleasant and tasty for your palate? What heroism. What generosity. I am in awe of such danishes. Truly they should go on to be sainted, then added to your inventory of cottage cheese.

And Cheddar! The cheese of the common man! It asks so little, yet gives so much. It loves all. Be you blind, or deaf, or dumb, or orphan, or god, or saint or sinner or widget maker. Oh cheddar. Thou art beautiful in thine open mind, lack of prejudice and accepting nature. How beautifully dost thou adorn mine quiche. O but wouldst thou stayeth with me forever! I shall write a hymn to thee, upon the style of J. S. Bach. Unfortunately, it will be in German, and no one will understand it, so I suppose we will merely skip over it for now.

Mozzarella! Another deity in my pantheon of dairy goodness! Without you, how would I delight in pizza? In stuffed shells? In various combinations all involving sauce, pasta, and cheese? You are so versatile in your many uses, and yet so simple!

And brie! O elegant brie! A lord amongst cheeses! You need naught to adorn you but a simple crust of bread! Let us rejoice in your overwhelming natural beauty and goodness! You are soft and supple, yet not so easily crushable as traitors like the banana. O no, you are no foul villain to bruise and crush but for a breath upon your beautiful pale skin. Nay, you do bravely venture on towards my plate to gracefully top my baguette with cheesy goodness before you melt away into savoury nothingness. How noble you truly are.

But let me wax effusive once more on provolone! Oh what a sight to see on such bread as my sandwiches treasure! With only some mustard and vegetables you make the most delightful of lunches! Rolled up neatly on a plate, you add such a spark to my crudites! And in my dinners, cooked! Ahh, such a magnificent show as to escape my words! Lo, I am rendered mute with delight!

Ahhh, so many cheeses, and all to be treasured for so many reasons! Except the evil cheese. I must pray you heed my words once more on this and stay far, far away from such corrupt and evil cheeses as there may be in this world. Mark my words, you will rue the day you encouter a rind of cambazola gone soft! Oh truly, yes. But lo! I shall not disparage any further the general name of cheese, for cheese is cheese and made of goodness! I salute you, cheese, for your unwavering courage in the face of... my face.
posted by Unknown at 9:38 PM