I just decided that A) I could be intelligent if I really tried. B) I sound it if I put in any effort. C) I'm very observant D) My memory is generally excellent. It's been a while, but I recall reading something in which the author supposed that intelligence was really mainly just a good capacity for memory. He did have some points, and I think I'll venture that some types of intelligence are mainly that. I do, however, believe that there are more important aspects of intelligence, like the ability to analyse well and quickly.

I think maybe not all aspects of what make someone intelligent are quantifiable. One skill that I seem to have, which also seems to be less than common among some of my peers, is to have an innate feeling of what language does. This works for me in both English and French. It's less obvious in English, as we all can speak it, and that makes levels a bit harder to pick out, but I feel as though I have an inherent understanding of the words themselves, the feel of them, their connotations, etc. In French this shows up as an ability to just feel where verb endings should go, what the language *should* sound like, what the flow should be. I sound more fluent than most people who have taken eight years of French do, and it isn't entirely because I spend hordes of time practicing.

Today is my day to be egotistical again, apparently. Beware.

So yesterday I got to see Kyree-Marie again, which I was very happy about. And this time I was less of a dipstick and I actually caught the last metro home. Being around her reminds me of some of the reasons I treasure my friendship with Jenna and Lisa so much: I can be silly and generally mindless around them. Not in a stupid way, but in a way that admits that we don't always have to be on our guard, or at our intellectual peak. Human intelligence isn't just about solving problems. It's also about finding the uniqueness, the joy, the humour in life. Satire is one of the most admirable applications of intelligence, to my beliefs. It's been a while since I've felt as comfortable around Jenna as I used to. I'm not entirely sure why. Marie and I are at that place almost instinctively. It isn't that the two of us couldn't sit around and discuss philosophy and whatnot. It's that we don't have to. It's rather nicer that way, to my mind.

I appreciate people. Without much provocation, either. I think, though, that the types of friends I value most are those who a) I can discuss in depth things like philosophy, the meaning of life, religion, music, culture and other things I interest myself in, b) I can act silly and careless in front of without being judged, c) I can lean on for emotional support, or give emotional support to, d) can make me see myself, the world and others in a new light, e) understand me as well or better than I do. I have a few friends who have actually been everything to me. Cara, Mordion, Lisa and Jenna have been among those. I miss Mordion horribly lately. Lisa I hardly see despite the fact that she theoretically lives with me. Jenna and I... I don't know. We still get along quite well. She still is very close to me. Lately though... I guess the fact that I have to find a job and soon is putting undue pressure on us both. If I don't get up rent money for August then we may both be screwed, and it places on us this feeling of "well, okay, we can have fun together, but have you had any interviews today?" Not that I blame her. *Sigh*

I feel badly about not getting to blog as much lately, but I wonder why I do. It's supposed to be for me to get my feelings out. I don't know if I have been, I guess. In the past month I've had two nightmares featuring my mother. I haven't told her this, of course. A couple days ago was the second. She yelled at me for being self-centered. Heedless of others. She called me a bitch. I wonder if it's really me. You can never figure out dreams, though. Still, it makes me worry. I usually feel I have a handle on what my actual faults are, but then I'll run smack into a new one, frequently due to someone else tapping me on the shoulder, or smacking me on the shoulder and saying, "look, you idiot, you're being X." *Sigh* I am horribly self-centered. How does one escape that, though? I don't feel as though I'm the most worthy person around. I don't think I'm infatuated with myself. I just hold myself in high importance. I am to me. How could I not be? Blargh. Who knows what is to be considered fixable and what is not?

My father has been calling a lot lately. We love hearing his messages. He's so lost. "Uh. Hi Barb, this is your father." "Uh, hi I'm looking for Barbara." "Uh, hi, this is Mr. Wilkie..." His voice has an odd sort of character to it. It's endearing in its pathetic way. I love my father. I just hope that socially I have a better grip than that.

I'm still waiting for something to rain down from the sky and save me. It's oh so much fun being young and naive. I kept saying this was the only way I'd grow up. I don't know why I thought it'd come in time, though. ...Although I'd almost guess in this matter it can't by definition. I just want more depth. Ha, I'm so callow. If I starve in the street, I'll be a more interesting person. Not that it'll ever happen to me. Little miss rich girl here doesn't *really* have anything to worry about. Right now I'm walking around with literally no money in my wallet or pocket, less than five dollars in my bank account, and thinking of myself as broke. Technically I'm still worth a bunch of money: bank accounts and bonds which I'm not touching, but which, if I were in that horrible a situation, I could use to easily get along until I could find a job. I'll probably never be destitute in my whole life. I probably shouldn't look on this as a bad thing. I don't think I do. It's just too bad that right now my standards for how well I think of myself as a person don't seem to be entirely tied up with what I'm doing with myself professionally or otherwise.

I did actually do something of marginal worth recently. I woke up from a dream with a motive in my head. I hate being me. Anyone else who dreams music dreams symphonies or quartets or something brilliant. When I arise with music flowing through my head it ends up being something that ought to be made into a video game. I played my motive for Jenna and encouraged her to slay the demon king at the end of level six. She was amused, and admitted I was right. Then she asked if there was money to be made in the field. I replied that people seem to do it for a living, so I'd think there must be. If only I even knew how to go about it. =\

Life is hard when you have no dreams. Or when you think your dreams are rather stupid. I do still quite want to learn more about computing. I want to go to school for it. I'm just not sure how much I really want to do it for a living, and how much I just really want the knowledge. If I thought my major in music was worthless before, job searching has really brought the point home. Blarghit. I can only hope I get to graduate school soon. I have no idea where the money's coming from on that one. ...Ha.
posted by Unknown at 1:33 PM