New Jersey was fabulous, and I am so very glad I went. I saw my friend Ian again, and met Christine, who I've been talking to for a year and some months already, as well as meeting several people I hadn't known quite as well. Seeing these people renews my faith in interpersonal relations, my peers and my general aims in socialising. I wish I didn't blather quite so much, though. While we all amused ourselves, I think it was clear that not all of us are as funny as some *cough*Chad*cough* are. Not that humour is all that there is to life, but it's very important to me, and the whole online community we're in revolves around it. All I can contribute is a metric tonne of sarcasm, some general empathy and overly self-absorbed philosophy. *sigh* I'm not admirable, although I am and have always been a good friend. Well, usually, at any rate. I ought to be happy with that.

I haven't yet packed for Utah. I'm not quite worried, though. All I really need is the dress, some stockings (with twelve extra pairs since I'm trying to put them on while wearing hedge clippers on my fingers. I hate nails.), the shoes, general toiletries and general clothing. Anything else is recoverable if I don't happen to remember it. It's only three days. This all still feels like some sort of bizarre field exercise, not a marriage. Maybe because it's the first one that I've been so intimately involved in, so I'm just not sure what to expect.

Mom has moved on from marginally depressing books on tape to a bunch on Buddhism. I hate to be pessimistic, but I somehow cannot for the life of me see my mother passing beyond samsara, becoming enlightened in almost any way, or becoming non-judgmental, let alone reaching nirvana. If it has any effect at all, well then all to the good for her, of course.

I need to get out of this house. My sarcasm and negetivity are ridiculous around here. Anyone else in the entire world is entitled to the benefit of the doubt, general goodwill, and usually whatever help I can give them. I can't manage it for my own mother. I feel awful about it, but I can't even care enough to get the desire to change it. I suppose as humans we all have our difficulties and weaknesses, but this is downright terrible of me.

I was wondering today as we listened to the tapes of Lama Surya Das what it is that people who follow the eastern religions are supposed to do about negative situations in practical, real life. It's all well to say we should treat everyone well and help all, but really, we're all human yet and at least at first it would be difficult for us to comply. Is it preferable to act negatively until such point where you have progressed beyond that and are wise enough to love all, or should you attempt to step back from these difficult situations until you can handle them? I'm espousing the run and hide tactics like mad over here, and I wonder if this is considered limiting or undesireable.
posted by Unknown at 10:45 PM