The fact that power factors into all relationships is beginning to drive me insane. I neither seek to gain power over others, nor wish to give up power. I think my familial relationships have caused me to have absolutely no patience for this sort of thing. Right now picturing someone I know as King on the hill or Queen of the hive is driving me bonkers. Since when do relations among friends need regulation? Why can't it just be all of us together without all the hidden forces?

I'm going mad because I have nothing to say. There is nothing I contribute, and largely I'm superfluous anywhere. I have no idea how it is that people enjoy my company when there's nothing behind it. I feel worthless. I'm sick of hearing myself. I'm sick of questioning, and knowing that even my questioning is meaningless and stupid. In short, I want out. I want out of an intellectual society that is all that I want of my relations in the first place. I just want to be someone else.

What is it that I can contribute anywhere? I hit a blank wall. I'm not anything I say I am. I don't really care as much about classical music as I think I do. I don't read the things I think I should. I'm not wildly cultured. I don't splend as much time on French as I should if I really think I care that much. I don't even like people as much as I think I do. I probably enjoy being miserable on some level. I'm not stupid. I'm just not brilliant, and I'm not learned and I just have so little. I think I'm going to slowly start going mad.

What do I have to offer? Generally the best I've been able to do is to be source of strength for others. I have no purpose if I have no one to help. I'm not all that good at helping most people anyhow. I feel so worthless.

I need to spend more time with other people. It blots the idiocies out for a bit. I just can't concentrate on them, anyhow. I'm just angry. I'm angry with myself, and I'm angry with a whole bunch of other people. I'm angry that even sticking my head out and taking a risk just gets no response. I'm saying less than I ever have before, but I've blathered so much in the past that anything I say means nothing. I'm so sick of words. So many of them, and they mean nothing without a person behind them. These sentences put together on a blank screen end up meaning as much as just looking at the keyboard.

Everywhere I go is related to where I've been. I can make no clean breaks. Do I need to run away every year or so and reinvent myself? Is what I have now so completely worthless? It isn't. Why can't I be someone else? Why do people insist on liking me already? Every time someone tells me they think I'm funny I feel trapped. I've set this up as one of my goals, one of the things I respect most in people, and I'm convinced I can't reach my own bar. When I'm told I can, I'm convinced it's coincidence, I can't keep it up, and that I've raised the expectations of others without being able to fulfill them later.

Every time I write these things down I feel like it embodies all of who I am. Only a week later it will be just one more passing, fleeting moment. I'm sick of humanity and being unable to pin down what anything actually means.

I want loud, blaring music. I want to block it all out. Why am I always like this? I'm supposed to be good at handling emotions, or so I always told myself. Why don't I have any goals of my own? I want to go back in time. I want to hide. I don't want. I unwant.

With all the pathetic, self-important, disgusting angst I output at every passing opportunity, you'd think I'd be capable of becoming quite the prolific and loathesome poet. I can't even do that.

It's so amazing where my weaknesses lie. I'm so good at holding up under terrible pressures. I get through circumstances that most would be unable to deal with. I can't cope with daily life. I can't do anything extraordinary unless the results of failure are catastrophic. I can write. I just can't write unless it's self-important idiocies like this shit. I want to be meaningful. I want to be meaningful to others. I want real answers, not assurances. I want someone to care. I want there to be something worth caring about.

I'm sick of limiting, judging and all the rules of society. It kills me that you can't do away with them. Why must everything be the middle path? Why can't I just be nihilist? I want out.
posted by Unknown at 2:58 PM