Merely wishing to become more learned doesn't do anything, and reading and research take a damned long time. It's hard not to respect someone with a well-thought out and well-researched set of philosophies and political views, but it's ever so much easier to personally just rant at the state of the nation and shrug eloquently when you reach the end of your limited knowledge in debates. I don't want to be that person. I also don't want to parrot other people's views. In other words, if I want to respect myself I have to work.... damnit.

It's misleading for me to participate in conversation amongst some of the people around this school. It's actually misleading on both ends.

It doesn't represent what my theoretical ideal would be. If I were following my dreams, blah blah, then I'd be at a school like Bowdoin, and surrounded by people at least as intelligent as I am. Honestly here there are some wonderful and bright people, but I'm hard pressed to find people definitively more intelligent than I am. I'm not so self-absorbed or idiotic as to think this is because those people don't exist. It's merely that I go to a state school, and not an amazingly good one, either. I could quite well do with some association with people who blow me out of the water, but one never really wants to do that to oneself. Instead I prefer to find people either almost exactly at my level or perhaps slightly lower so that I get to feel good about myself. Understandable, but somehow sick, I think. Intelligence isn't the end-all and be-all of life, but it's probably the most important to me, and if I'm limiting myself in my company it can only mean a fear I prefer not to look at, an incredible self-absorption, or a refusal to face reality.

It also doesn't represent reality. While people here aren't reaching the hyper-frightening end of the intelligence scale, they also aren't anywhere near the other end, after all, this is a college. This, oddly enough, should also contribute to my falsely positive feelings of self-accomplishment. Most of the people I interact with can understand what I'm saying, but not argue against it sufficiently well to prove me wrong. Best of both worlds, really. And yet I know I'm often wrong, and I tend to be a bit of a twit. I also back away from my chances to argue with intelligent people habitually, claiming I don't like typing arguments. ...well that's true, but doesn't end up giving me any decent arguments in life, which is probably not what I want either.

I want to learn. I want to be knowledgeable and respectable. I just have an insatiable need for information, and for admiration. At least the latter is probably just an aspect of the human condition. I manage to validate the former in that I don't merely want factual information; I also want to know about people. This means the hours of schlock in IRC are actually legitimate on my personal growth scale, even ignoring factual things I pick up which are generally technology/computer oriented.

Lately I am learning in a field I'm interested in, and I'm continually shocked at how learnèd I can manage to make myself sound, but at heart I'm continually sure that it's all a front, and that I'm BSing. Perhaps partially true, but blammed if I'm not genuinely more well-informed than even three months ago. I just ought to be doing more. Yes, I'm learning more French this semester, I'm learning more in terms of web design and whatnot,definitely, but I'm still chastising myself mentally for not being at the level of a thirty something year old in whichever given field. Stupid? Hells yes. I'm good at stupid, I gather.

I feel thwarted in everything I do lately. I've made an insane amount of progress in my vocal lessons this semester. I really have accomplished some of what I set out to do this semester in terms of general knowledge of computer things, and it has been largely self-motivated. Okay, so I'm not a total bum, it's just hard to see gradual successes. I'm still a bum,though. *grin*

Meanwhile, it has been observed that often when it looks like one is stagnating, they are merely progressing in ways which are harder to document. I feel like I've grown as a person lately. I think I'm not afraid anymore. I'm making my own decisions, and I have to say that I'm not afraid of mistakes. I *will* make them, and I'm damned well competent enough to deal with them myself. This is what life is about, not about leaving with a beautiful degree and getting a beautiful job in a beautiful house with your beautilful spouse. I believe in mistakes, I believe in pain, and to go with that I believe in personal growth. Damned if I haven't had a bit of that in the midst of all my escapism lately.

If anything I have value in that I know value when I see it. It's amazing how good it feels to tell my roommate that I think she's an incredibly wise person and that I respect her. And that she tells me she knows I'm not just telling her because I think she wants to hear it.... People can trust me, I respect many, and I'm generally really damned sweet. I guess I'm worth something.

In a related, but completely counter vein... I decided a couple days back that I am indeed attractive. This was somewhat by force of will, and thus far the only benefits I've reaped are one day of walking around campus with my head up and more general confidence, and twenty minutes of eyebrow tweezing. Yes, I do that. Yes, it does hurt a bit. Yes, I'm caving to society's dictates. It still looks better, though, damnit. Society may be a bunch of dim-witted arses, but considering how absorbed they are in looks, they ought to have *some* useful input.

I just want a real relationship, damnit. Mordion's picking between three (and encountering inherent problems in this like mad, but I'd be all too happy to put up the patience to deal with those problems, thanks), more than one person close to me is engaged. Does this crap happen to everyone at my age? I'd guess so. At least I'm not desperate. Of course if I were desperate, I'd have someone, I bet. Well, whatever. (to put it succinctly, pithily and with infinite maturity, eh?)

Huh, been a while since I've blathered this much. Party on a feakin' stick. Happy dead week.
posted by Unknown at 1:29 AM