Meh. So it's Friday and I'm supposed to be totally packed and to have shipped things off and etcetera etcetera. I have not, of course. I made *some* progress. I'm still trying to steel myself for my effort to throw away almost everything. Thankfully some of it I don't actually have to throw out; Mordion is taking my seashell lamp and the rug. I'm still wondering if perhaps I could ask her to take maybe my suitcase with some things in it and maybe come back to pick it up towards the end of summer. If I do indeed go to the Chicago Brunchmeet, then Fredonia isn't *insanely* out of the way back to DC... okay, maybe it is. I don't know... I'm just very worried about all this. How much is shipping anyhow?

So I have no more finals. No more school for some indefinite period of time. All I have left is the actual commencement playing idiocies. We have to get there at eight fifteen. Brunch is at seven thirty! Wheee. This is all Very Sick Indeed. I'm not playing well lately, either, largely because I'm not playing lately. I just don't care right now. It sucks, but... well they made it all into jumping hoops, and it's just not the same. *Sigh*

So I'm going home tomorrow, and I still have no idea what I do once I get there. Can't stay a month. Can't. I'm already worried in anticipation. *sigh*

Four hours later, now I'm almost done packing...pfft. Okay, that was bullshit. I haven't touched any of my clothing. I have no idea how I'm going to manage to get anything home in my father's tiny Saturn. I am so incredibly screwed. *sigh* I think I'm going to need to ship at least maybe my trunk home.... I'd be better off if I could just manage to throw it away.

It's funny, you write down on paper "this is what I need," and even without being overly hack-and-slash I still have only about 15 articles/ideas written down. (Granted one was computer paraphernalia and one was clothing, but still...) Then I go to pack.... It has no resemblence to the list whatsoever. I hate being human. I'm not even materialistic, and I still can't do this right.

So I had to say goodbye to Mordion. Damn. It didn't really hit me until then. I love her a lot. I love Suz and Cara and heck of a lot of other people around here, too, but it all wasn't as real until just now. Damn. I'm losing almost all my friends. Not actually losing... I just won't see any of them again possibly for a year or more. Gods. There's nothing anyone could say which would accurately convey my feelings.

So all in all it's been a bit iffy as years go, but damned if I'd ever have given this up. I tried toward the end, especially... the last month, I've been desperately trying to appreciate my life as it is as much as possible. It'll never be enough. I can't make up for the eighty percent of my time here when I just ignored life itself in favour of things like anxiety and petty troubles. I'm really sorry to be going now. It wouldn't be so bad if I had somewhere to go...
posted by Unknown at 7:16 PM