In theory I was supposed to leave today. I'm still bemused. Sunday night I'm asked to leave. Monday I'm loathed. Tuesday I'm told I should go to a lecture series with her. Thursday we make a doctor's appointment a week hence. ...Dur?

So last night was a lecture and dinner on vegetarian/vegan health issues. It was very interesting, actually, although yet again, attending these things with my mother drives me nuts. She commented at one point in the middle, "wow, look at all the freaks." She doesn't seem to understand that I'm one of the freaks. I'm a vegetarian, attempting to move towards veganism. I'm a net junkie, a Taoist, a libertarian, I'm against societal ideals, the norm, etc. I'm just like everyone else. *Grin* Funny how that statement cuts both ways.

So I signed a petition asking our senators to vote for a bill to make use of pesticides for decorative purposes unlawful. Mom says it'll never pass. Yes, you're damned straight it'll never pass. That doesn't mean it's wrong to bring it up, as maybe in the future it will. And damnit, we live on Long Island. Myself personally I probably have about the highest risk factors for breast cancer any one human being can *get.* Why the hell should I not be in support of this bill regardless of whether or not it will pass? Eh.

We ended up being there from about six thirty until ten thirty, and the whole time mom was being so critical and always... just stingy, I guess. She whinged a lot about how everyone who gets called first takes hordes of food and how she'll never get hers and blah blah. She whinged beforehand about how I cooked black bean vegetable chili and how that was too expensive for the likes of this dinner. My mother is frugal in all the areas it doesn't matter as much. Then she thinks she's saving by having the equivalent of four wardrobes, but getting some of them at thrift stores. *Sigh* Then the fact that between her and the nice man across the table, both of whom are hearing impaired, it was general loudness and incomprehensibility half the night... But it was a worthwhile event, and I'm glad I went. And I need to take my damned multivitamin because my father was so right about the B12 thing. I'm wondering if I really can make a decisive move toward veganism. I mean... I know I *can*, but I'm not sure I have enough motivation and will power currently. I'm thinking about trying to do every other day or something like that.

I find lately that it's daunting to talk with people who have no idealism. Yes I know mine is a bit overboard, but... you can't only look at reality and decide nothing good will ever come of things. If you don't try, then it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. And being idealistic doesn't necessarily make one callow, immature and/or stupid. There's nothing wrong with hope, you know. It's what humans happen to thrive on.

After another year at school I'm getting enough sleep again, and what good is it doing me? None. I keep sleeping wrong and my neck hurts all the blammed time. Whinge whinge, yes. I think I'm just not used to pain, spoiled bink that I am. *sigh*

Oh. So I was contemplating something which of course would come across as melodramatic and stupid again. I don't know if I really don't intend these things or if perhaps I do in the back of my head where I can't see me plotting. I was thinking about putting a kind of disclaimer on my site. Something to the effect of, "I have nothing of worth to offer you. I am another typical, angsty, whinging person. I am not funny. I am not intelligent enough to be overly profound. I am not funny. Occasionally I do have things of worth to say, but it takes a while to get there since I'm overly wordy and not generally pithy. I am not funny. Unless you know me, you probably won't care, and in any case you should probably leave now." It's absolutely true, but... Oh heck. I wish I was unconcerned about opinions of others. But that would be a symptom of a greater thing. If I were unconcerned, it would be because I didn't have to be, and that would mean that I would probably be well enough liked not to need to bother to worry even if I did. And damnit, I spend too much time talking to people older than I am. As if comparing weren't a bad idea in the first place. I am twenty one. I am not god. I have acquired a respectable body of knowledge, the same as people I admire. This is not in a field I particularly admire. I do indeed know a lot about music. I will never get respect for that, and I just need to get over it. Bleh, stupid life decisions.

Calgon, take me away.
posted by Unknown at 12:40 PM