Cara says I'm making progress vocally. I'm kind of excited, but still overwhelmingly frustrated. It's so hard attempting to learn to control muscles you can't see, and making changes you can't really hear. I asked about recording lessons so that I could maybe get a better sense of it. I wonder if I'll be able to put up with listening to myself, though.

On a related topic, I taught Jocelyn and Mordion the song I suggested we sing for Mordion's recording project in the car on the way to Williamsville to see LotR today. And I have a cold or what not as always, and my voice was cracking and the first key I chose managed to quite obviously fit right around one of my vocal breaks.... so I took it up a fourth or so, and *damn*, I really am a soprano. It's such a nice song. Learned it at camp.... that would be.... ten years ago? Funny how I remember so much music. I would sing all day some days, if I could. It's a bit like joy. I just wish it weren't such an evaluated and clinical exercise at times.

Really odd phenomena I encountered while seeing Fellowship of the Ring..... So I'm watching. Hobbits. Yeah, cute. Furry. Whatever. Gandalf. Dignified. Grey. Noticed interesting bits where they lit him up so that he looked more white than grey. Forshadowy. Blah blah, nice. Then we have Aragorn. Cute. Nice bone structure. Then we have Legolas. First impression: wow, what a pretty boy. Bah. Then he starts killing things. Suddenly I find him extremely attractive. What the heck!? Is this some inborn evolutionary thing? Man can kill enemy! Is strong and virile! Ooga? Bleh. I feel like I demeaned myself.

Oh no. Today's my father's birthday. I'm a bum. I sorta gave him something right before I came back from break, but I didn't send him a card. Hrrrm. Stupid, trivial, impersonal email, anyone? *sigh* I'm so not properly socialised. Bleh. Someday I'll go back to living in a hut as was originally intended. :P

So today Mordion, Jocelyn, Jamin and I discussed therapy while in the car. It's funny when you can discuss things that mean more than the weather with people who you wouldn't really think of as close friends. So I try not to say so much, but it's just automatically odd somehow. I felt like talking with Jocelyn and especially Jamin ended up making me feel the limits of where conversations are allowed to go. Jamin didn't seem to mind talking about things which aren't "proper" or what have you. We discussed things like telepathy briefly. Segue off of therapy discussion due to Mordion's mention of how discussing things out loud is automatically different because you have to put them in words, whereas you don't always necessarily think in words. Anyhow. So I want telepathy. Because I just want people to know who I am. I forget about it specifically for a while, but ultimately I suppose one of my goals in life is to genuinely be understood by someone and accepted for who I am. And preferably not by someone I grew up with.

I keep debating if personality is really cumulative and if it's really valid for someone who knew me when I was younger to include that preconception in with who I've become. I keep trying to say no. I wish I *wanted* to say yes. I wish I liked who I was. I'm not positive, but I think I believe that who I am now is what's important and who I was in the past is something that can be looked over a bit. In which case it becomes all cloudy where you draw the line on people you've known for a long while and who you see often. Are you the same person this week as last week? In some cases it might not be the case.

I guess we just have to allow for revisions? And we're so bad at that. Forgiveness is hard. I know we're supposed to, and I do to some extent.... but... are there not times when you're right to hold the same prejudices you had? Are we supposed to be fair, or are we supposed to be safe? It isn't really correct to assume that my roommate from two years ago is still the same person she was back then, but might it not be valid to assume that she still has enough problems that I wouldn't qualify her as healthy yet? I mean, bless her if she progressed that much in two years, but it seems beyond the realm of possibility. *shrug*

Even on smaller issues and with the personal one of how many stupidities I hold myself accountable for, it's so hard to be clear on where we let go of the past and work with who we are currently. And of the copious stupid things I've been guilty of.... have I honestly learned from all of them, thus enabling me to reasonably call myself excused for what I once did? Arrgh. Blather blather.

So I keep thinking about this interview I saw with Madelein L'Engle from when I was only about twelve or so. She said that we don't often appreciate who we were as well as who we are, and that we should embrace all of our selves. I'm not sure I can ever deal with that. I've been a big idiot in the past. I'm sure I still am.

Damn, being human and fallible is *annoying* when we also constantly crave things like dignity and respect. Stupid dignity. In the here and now I can admit to things that I do that are stupid. (I think I mock myself for them too much to keep from being caught out by others.) I can admit to things I've done in the past that are stupid.... but I want people to keep them out of their judgment of me as a person, and to some extent that's a lost cause. Not everyone will think well of you, if only because some people just don't want to.

So why? It's so fruitless. And you know that everyone else has their moments. So why must we try to convince everyone that we are that one person, the only one who never looks silly or messes up or has bad thoughts or any other manner of thing that makes us all the obnoxious humans we are? Can't we just let down our guards and admit, hey, yeah, I was a complete fucktard yesterday, but I didn't mean it, so who really cares? (and I was, too.... I implied to someone that I'd never met before that while he was probably a bad musician, we all wouldn't make fun of him too much. =\ Aiee.)

So that's it. That's my call to all of humanity. Let's all just stick up for each other, since we all know what it's like. And damn! It's embarassing. Well. I hope we all know what it's like. Either that, or I genuinely am an asshole.

posted by Unknown at 12:28 AM