I always seem to have my revelations at odd times. Was thinking about life in general over another hurried dinner in the middle of dress rehearsal (yay for not playing in *all* of the pieces we're doing.) I realised that somehow Mordion is sort of compelling to talk to.... I've told her a lot about my life, including some of the fairly shallow and awful things which bother me. She still likes me. That's a pretty nice thing to have.

Was thinking also about control. Realised something quasi profound. You give tacit permission for all control in your life. Was first thinking about it on a specific level, and realised that no matter what, you can always opt out. If it's unfairness of say, your Resident Director, then you *can* leave the building. Less convenient, but you can. If it's someone higher up in the school, you *can* leave college. You can walk out of every situation if you have to. Even a marriage. Anything. But. You stay because of something you want. Sometimes it's a material thing. This made me realise that the zen notion of freeing yourself of material things frees you as a person, since you can't be controlled if your hands are empty. Sometimes it's more complicated, though. Sometimes it's a relationship or a feeling.... but if you realise that you're thinking that you're being controlled, then probably there is something negative going on in the relationship which warrants a reevaluation and consideration of perhaps leaving. But regardless, at heart we are all free. Without the things we attach importance to, we can't be held. So when I feel that I have the power to walk out, I will. I can. And no one can really stop me.
posted by Unknown at 5:49 PM