Hmm. Less-than-productive weekend. Well, I did get quite a bit of cleaning done. Room is the cleanest it's been since I moved in last semester. Also spent stupid time fixing web page to make the html look less like a three year old did it. Looking at the rest of the site... eh, heck with it, I'm about ready to throw in the towel. Half the stuff on there is so idiotic that I don't think I'll like it no matter what I do. There is no point to me having a webpage. Unless it's to attempt to work on html, and even then, I don't have the patience to slog through past efforts. Have already done huge revamp once when I went from all geocities editor to straight html. Can't go back again.

It's snowed out again tonight. We had only just got the last one to melt a bit! *sigh* More slipping to class and looking silly. Tomorrow should be our first ever orchestra sectional on the Mahler. I expect this to be painful. The fourth movement is almost entirely doubled in Tino's part, and not in a friendly octave. Don't really want tomorrow to come. Should also be our first woodwind area and my first lesson. I'm not really feeling prepared. I'm not really feeling up to anything.

Went and practiced a bit of piano today with Mordion. Was nice. Haven't done that in a while. Talked with her a lot, too. A lot about how generally dissatisfied I am with the learning I'm picking up here. I enjoy Medieval Lit and Meaning of Life a lot, but I'm learning nothing in the music school, pretty much, and not hugely much elsewhere. I have totally forgotten all math, since the last time I had any practice in it is now four years ago, and that was calculus. By the end of that year I had already been forgetting geometry. If I honestly wanted to take the GRE at this point I'd need about three months of studying math, I expect. Not to mention that I feel like I've gotten stupider since I was in high school, and I'm rather afraid that taking a standardized exam would merely give me something on which to anchor that fear. Oh, and it'll be useless for the time being, since there's no way I'm getting to grad school any time soon. Not that I know what else I'm doing.

The "one day at a time" concept is a very evil thing when used improperly. *Grin* Yup, I don't have to think about my future, I'm doing things one day at a time. This also means I never get anything meaningful done. I feel like I'm at an absolute nadir in creative/productive energies. Oh. And I have no guts. Oh, and I also don't know what I'm thinking and I'm afraid to get too close and find out because it might turn out that I'm a shallow jerk. And while you may want to jump at some chances in life, you still have to evaluate if they are merely good for you (if they are in the first place) and if they actually hurt people around you. And damnit, I do care about others, I just don't think enough. ... And if I don't think enough, I wonder who does. Or else how am I thinking so much and not about the right things?

Haven't spoken with my mother or father in.... a week or so. My father wanted to see my website since we ended up talking about that sort of thing last week. Said I'd email him the address. Haven't yet. Wonder if I will, or if perhaps I'll see if it's appropriate first. Meanwhile, the blammed thing links here and not sure that's a good idea.... Not that I say anything against my father, the rational one. *sigh* Why do I let anyone read the whinge-fest anyhow? I really begin to feel I'm using this for poor purposes.

Was talking today with Mordion about John Williams and how his music tends to sound rather similar. I commented that just because all the music which has come after sounds the damned same doesn't mean that the first composition didn't have originality, integrity and whatever else. I think I hesitate to criticize people because I constantly feel that my music drones on in the same vein forever. I get so antsy about my writing. I simultaneously feel writing music is terrifically easy and impossible. Someday I'm going to actually start in on a symphony and finally feel fulfilled. Up until then I'll stay here and wallow in my insecurities.

I think I've been eating quite poorly this week, especially this weekend, and I wonder if that's contributing to my rather negative mood. I think I may finally be close to getting over my cold, though. Of course if I really want to recover I ought to be in bed now. Right.
posted by Unknown at 11:13 PM