Went to a recital today. Unfortunately I had to miss the first twenty minutes. I was really upset by that. I have this obsession with one of the pieces played... Suite for the Developing Flutist... Third movement is the best thing ever. Ever! Nothing can be written that will supercede it! Okay, I exaggerate.

So I went to the reception afterward. Talked with Dr. Royal for longer than I'd usually find comfortable. I don't know why.... she was really nice to me/supportive of me. She has been lately, actually. She's been really complimentarly of my playing of late, too. Scares me a bit. :P Actually the last time I played she talked to us about how I play with a lot of energy and I take risks in my playing blahblahblah. Hm. People tell me a lot now that I'm a good player. I keep wondering on what kind of scale this applies and if I'm actually good enough to get any jobs at any point.

So most of my talk with Dr. Royal concerned my utter lack of future and my total despondency. Urgh. I have no motivation, I have no goals, I have no real concept of how I'll get along in life. I told her that honestly at the moment I envision myself as a waitress down the line. She recommended the career development office. *snerk*

I told Dr. Hamilton today that I'd write an arrangement of some Hannukkah music for the "Double Reed Holiday" thing she usually does. They've never had anything but Christmas music before now, it seems. This shouldn't be too bad, I think. If I can find a MIDI of some songs then I should have no problems at all. Arrangements are for two oboes, English horn and bassoon. Well, and contra bassoon, but she said that could just be bassoon down an octave, which is fine with me, since I know *jack* about writing for contra bassoon. And who does, really?

I wish it were summer. I wish my social successes were transferrable to other areas of life. I wish I weren't laughing at myself so hard. That's three wishes. Get me a lamp.

If only I just bit the bullet and talked to all the people I need to talk to, things would probably all work out fine. Damn my fear and reticence and all that good stuff. I have talents. I do. There are things I genuinely have skill with and enjoy doing. Now if only there were a career in it. I really *do* need to go to the career office. I knew I wouldn't want to go. I still don't.

You know what I want? I want grad school in Europe. How's that for bloody ridiculous? I wish I were good enough to be accepted as a performer at a school in France or England. Am I out of my mind, or what? But... *sigh* Multiple interests are not always a plus.

I also wish we had recycling on campus. It was attempted last year, and even with masses of student action it still didn't pan out. How can we not have recycling? It's nutty. So I have bottles of water and juice around my desk waiting for the next time Jocelyn decides to go. *sigh* Damn, but I drink a lot. I need to sleep. I'm not tired. I'll be tired tomorrow. Nocturnal is not a good thing for me. But I've already seen that it really does work well for me. So many reasons I'd never have become teacher. Up at seven? Maybe because I never slept. No way it would happen legitimately.
posted by Unknown at 12:26 AM