Five days later, still stuck on the same song. Been singing it 'round campus lately, and yesterday someone stopped me to ask what it was. It's verra nice. Yah. Urgh.

So I just played my last jury ever. I hope. Should be. We'll see how badly I've messed up my life this time. Argh. Anyhow. So Morde'an left this "morning" to go home. Her friend Abigail volunteered to take her to the airport at three thirty in the morning. Man. I think I'm that kind of friend, but it still amazes me to see other people do things like that. Anyhow. So I wanted to see her off. So rather than sleeping two hours, waking up, saying my goodbyes and then sleeping another two or three hours, I decided to just stay up. That part worked relatively well, actually.

So I stayed up until three thirty playing Scrabble online and talking to people. Fine. Morde'an's alarm clock goes off at three twenty, she gathers everything together, I go with her downstairs to meet Abigail (and bring all our recyclables, which Abigail is helping us dispose of, yay Abigail!) and wish her a good break and all. Fine. Good. Nice. Tired, but happy, I hug Morde'an goodbye and smile as I tell her I'll see her in about three weeks. (Might I also add that I'm proud of myself for remembering to get important directions and things for my Chicago trip before she left?)

So I was happy about that. I went back upstairs, plugged my computer speakers back in (rather than having headphones on while sleeping as usual), one of the advantages of having a room to yourself that I quite treasure, and then I set my alarm and attempt to doze off. Didn't take as long as usual, actually, and I think I might have been asleep by four thirty, but that didn't mean I was thrilled to wake up at quarter of seven. Blergh.

I've proven in the past that I'm actually rather good at sleep deprivation, but lately it just doesn't work for me for some reason or other. So I managed to get myself over to Mason by maybe quarter of eight, which wasn't any worse than I expected, and I went and practiced and blah blah. I really didn't feel ready for my jury. I feel like I just didn't do enough. I don't know.

No matter how much I've learned in my three and a half years here, and no matter how much better I've gotten about nervousness at performances, I have not improved a whit in terms of nervousness when playing in front of faculty specifically there to judge you. It's a sucky experience no matter how you swing it, anyhow. Blergh. So I played and was really nervous, and as usual when I'm really nervous, I took everthing up tempo by maybe fifty percent. WHEE!! I can play this étude at quarter note equaly one eighty!! Blargh. Twit. So I didn't really get off to a particularly good start, but at the least I can say for myself that I didn't panic when I got nervous. Sometimes you do. You mess up due to nerves and then dwell on it and it continues in a spiralling black hole. Not today. I messed up rather too much, but it didnt' affect my playing.

Well. So after rushing the étude I went on to rush my repetoire piece, and finished up by rushing my independent piece. At least I'm bloody consistent. *sigh* Could have been worse. I played with phrasing and dynamics. Got *most* of the notes. Can't guarantee my tempos because when I'm that nervous there is no such thing as a steady pulse anywhere in my body. *Sigh* But it couldn't have been completely awful. I think.

So having done with the torture I treated myself to breakfast which has now made me feel more nauseous than I was before, oh joy. Joined my friend Ken for a bit at breakfast, and demonstrated all too clearly the results lack of sleep have on me.... I was practically chortling through the whole conversation. Disaster, actually, is another thing that does that to me. When I get back test results in the single digits, or when I do something stupid in front of more than fifteen people... my reaction is always to laugh my head off. I'm odd that way, but I think it might be less stressful. So between my feelings of nervousness, sleeplessness and the side of light doom, I ended up with my face in a rictus of amusement. It's a very, very sick thing.

But now I get to go proctor my last session of the semester. *sigh* I just want to sleep.
posted by Unknown at 7:48 AM