Wheefun. Day of the concert. Dress rehearsal last night wasn't too bad. Better than I would have expected. Where'd the TA go lately, though? Just realized I've not seen him in days. Weird. Anyhow. So we can get through all the pieces, but I don't think we're really doing them justice, plus I heard last concert on recording not that long ago, and I thought that was rather not superb. This was a concert I had felt was fairly good before hearing it again. *sigh* We did play a couple of the pieces well.... Gah.

If I ever really start to wonder if I'm making a mistake in deciding I shouldn't teach, then things contrive to make it oh so obvious that yes, it is the correct choice. You can't be a teacher of ensembles in public schools when your ideals are as high as mine. These are all people who are competent and skilled musicians and I'm not happy with the end product. Rationally I can almost remember what a high school band sounded like, but I'm sure that if I went back today and listened to our high school's ensembles I'd still be shocked. Meanwhile, the other thing that makes it so blatantly obvious I shouldn't teach is how Dr. Holcomb continually gives me responsibilities of sectionals or other similar things and it makes me want to run like heck. I really can't stand taking that sort of position. I feel like I'm not competent enough to handle it. Don't know where I'm getting that from, because really I pretty much know what I'm doing, but I just *can't* take charge of things.

Meanwhile after pretty much a week of saying, "you know, I really have to do the laundry. If I don't I'll have no clothing left," I've finally actually done the laundry. There was literally no putting it off; I needed concert black for tonight. Meanwhile, after you've done the laundry you're so pleased. This dress feels so nice and fluffy and looks so pristine in the mirror. It's such a pure, dark black. It really does end up the absense of all light. It's velvety, and it sucks in shadow. Meanwhile I also cleaned my coat, and I've taken out my silver scarf which Jenna brought me from India.... I feel all dressy and elegant. I need better shoes. :)

Meanwhile, yes we have slow lab days, but yikes! It's been thirty five minutes of my hour and there has been *no one.* It's nice because I can do as I like, but I also feel *really* superfluous. Side note: My use of asterisks for emphasis is beginning to bother me. I think I use them becase it takes more effort to come up with bold or italics and I like to be able to just type without pause. I guess I feel like it's too interrupting visually, though. Something. It's just not as subtle as italics, I suppose.

My emotions are going all across the spectrum lately. It's getting a bit nuts. Well. I'm always relatively happy, I'm just not content. That's pretty consistent, though. I guess I'm flapping around a lot on whether I'm feeling hopeful or dubious at any given moment. Bless my friends for listening to me as I wander around in mental circles, confused.

Meanwhile, the longer I go on, the more I begin to think that I should be listening to and trusting my friends right now. I keep coming up with my own opinions and realizing they aren't things I decided on my own; they're things my parents told me repeatedly. Also my friends' opinions are generally more flattering to me and more healthy for me than my own. Some day I'm going to make enough progress finally and I'll be able to be myself and declare unreservedly that it makes me happy to be myself and that it's a worthwhile thing. And right about that time everyone will get disgusted with me for becoming a sudden egotist and they'll all walk out. :)

Anyhow.... Should start thinking about how I'm going to prepare myself mentally and physically for this concert. It's going to be a tough one. Why do people think that adding a bit of piccolo in the most extreme register is a nice touch most especially when it's relatively soft? Sometimes I want to swear some sort of oath or vendetta against composers and conductors. :)
posted by Unknown at 8:46 AM