Thought number one: forgetting that you have an early morning obligation until after you've stayed up until quarter of three is a bad bad thing. *nod* Thought number two: I *really* hope that Mason is open some hours over break, because I should compose more. It would be so good for me. I can't believe how much other people have been telling me they like my work, and it seems really genuine. I'm confounded, but pleased, I guess. Thought number three: I really need to start writing down my plans rather than relying on memory. It'd keep me honest and I'd get things done.

Oh. And I've been getting a bunch of random compliments lately... Oh heck. I get a lot of compliments in my life. I'm working on paying attention and taking them at face value. I think I've decided that I'm fundamentally a good person, but my insecurity and my tendency toward egotism make me too self-centered. Also I'd be a better person if I were more responsible at times.... I put things off to the point of problems. But. I don't know. I guess I wonder where my values are at times. I know what is right and what should be done, but sometimes I just don't feel up to doing it. I think I might be in some sort of mild chemical depression right now, actually. I'm sleeping longer than I need to at any opportunity, I'm always tired regardless... I just have no energy or motivation. It's rather unfortunate.

I need to figure out how I'm going to make a living when I get out of school. I'm a musician, for heaven's sake. What the heck am I doing with myself? *sigh* All I really want is to be happy, and I've proved I'm good at happiness, so if I can just get a job that allows me to keep *any* quality of life.... I want a decent internet connection, but I also want to live on beans. We were talking about a few utopias today in class, and one of them sounded so good to me that I thought I'd be really tempted to do it if not for a few things. One being lack of internet access really would be entirely too devestating to me at this point, two is that you still start from nothing when you get back out again. Three is that I'd miss so many people, and I have no idea if anyone I know would do it with me. I'm not good with loneliness. *sigh* Sounded so good, though... living in nature, voluntary daily educational gatherings and things... discussions. I don't know. I think it would be worth it to try at some point.

It's annoying to me that I get to a point with a piece of music that I know it so well that I don't have to pay attention anymore, and I can't objectively criticize anymore. I can't figure out if this is okay or not because from now on it just *is* *sigh* That doesn't help me. I'm trying to compare and analyze two pieces I've composed which struck me as somewhat similar and I can't even get a mental grasp on either of them because by now both of them are merely there. I give. Gah. No. No I don't. One more shot. Then sleep. *sigh* G'night.
posted by Unknown at 12:03 AM