It's so nice staying at Cara's. I'm the only one in the house for most of the day while Cara is at school, student teaching. I've had a leisurely day, getting up at nine twenty because we got to bed early, checking internetish things for a couple hours, then taking a twenty or thirty minute walk to the local grocery to get some peppers and brown rice. I cooked stuff for a couple hours, and now dinner is ready so that I can just stick it in the oven maybe twenty minutes before Cara will get here. Stuffed peppers. First time I've ever done it myself, but I made no mistakes. *shrug* No complaints here. Plus this is one more thing I can add to the list of foods I can make that are entirely vegan and not disgusting. I get some sort of satisfaction out of that for some reason. I've been trying to have one meal out of my day every day be completely vegan. I don't know that I'd say it's consistently working, though.

I still need to get my father directions to Syracuse. I have to wait until Cara is home so that I can get her parent's email and send them his email... *sigh* I hope this all works out alright. Meanwhile my mother asked me again today what my break plans are. Despite the fact that I informed her of them a month ago and a week and a half ago and both times she was fine with them, today she decided it would be good to try and guilt trip me about them. Umm. Thanks? At this point I just stare in amazement. I don't even understand anymore.

So yesterday was great. Cara and I prepared a pumpkin pie, went out to dinner, went shopping, then baked the pie while also beating heavy cream so that we had our dessert ready around nine when Tara arrived. Tara brough cider, too, and Cara made chai. Yesterday the only things I ate were the "Flautas" from the restuarant and the pumpkin pie, and they both felt like such real food in comparison to what I generally end up eating. I need the same thing for the rest of my life. It feels like a lot of what I do now isn't actually living, but just going through the motions. It's not a good feeling at all.

I wish I were feeling more inspired to write... I just think it needs to be spontaneous, so I'm not really ready... Of course if something came to me I wonder if I'd be able to use it after the fifteen minutes it would take me to get to campus. I think I know why I live on campus. Honestly I'd never make it to classes anywhere *close* to on time. It surprises me sometimes that no one seems to look at me amiss for being a senior and still living in a dorm. *shrug* it suits me.

So one more day of freedom, then a day of transportation, then three days of putting up with homelife, then another day of transportation.... Why doesn't this *quite* seem like break? *sigh* Mom asked me today why I'm bothering to go home... if she really wants to put it that way... then maybe it won't happen in the future. Depending on how this break goes I decide whether or not I'm "bothering" to go home over winter break. I'm fairly confident at this point that if I can see that it's clearly not in my best interests to be home, then I have somewhere else to go. I could probably stay here for a while if need be, even if Adam, Cara, Joanne and Suz aren't around, since they all know and trust me, and I can deal just as well with cooking for myself and whatnot. Something like that might be probable since I think Jenna will go home for Christmas for a bit. Lisa would probably go, too... I'll find a way, though, if I have to.

I always feel as though I shouldn't burden my friends too much with this stuff, then I find I'm always writing it down in here, and some of my friends are reading this. Huh. Dunno if that's bad. I guess I still feel like this sort of thing ought to be for professionals who I'm paying to bother. :P I keep feeling like I'm always dwelling on the same things and never getting over them, too, plus I feel like I'm being a drama queen... which doesn't make sense, because I'm still not thinking of this as writing for an audience. Just sort of noting what is, generally. Eh. Then I feel like even idly wondering is like asking for approbation... I'm not looking for that, either. I keep finding that I'm slowly coming to terms with some kind of self-esteen, though, and when I write it down in here, I guess I feel like I must sound like queen ego. It's always a novelty for me to get a grasp on ideas of confidence and worth in some things or other, so I'm noting them down because I'm trying to look at where I'm going and where I've been, but that part seems like it shouldn't be read by anyone else, because really, how big of a jerk can I sound like? I feel like I'm sitting here thinking to myself part of the time and there are some people who just happen to be metaphorically peeking over my shoulder and seeing into my brain. Which means I should be doing something to fix this, but at the same time I find that half the point of this kind of thing is to keep in touch with friends. I know I'm finding it useful that way, at any rate, and if I didn't have that reason to do this, then I'd prolly skip for days and days on end. So I don't know. And I feel like even writing *this* was ill-advised. Like I'm begging for attention. It's like when Spinn makes comments on Spinnwebe about who he's doing it for, then immediately says, "but don't send me mail because I'm not looking for approval or pity or whatnot." Well, he doesn't say that, because he doesn't talk that way, but I'm paraphrasing. I have to stop identifying with this guy, because it's like an obscure and messed up case of delusions of grandeur. ^_^

Okay, but now I've *really* rambled on too much. My apologies.
posted by Unknown at 1:57 PM