Hello and welcome to angst day. I won't even talk about it, really, since I've been doing it all day and it helps no one. I just have one thing to say. Am I the only one who gets more depressed when the situation is actually feasible and merely isn't happening any time soon? *sigh* Plus, this being me, I assume that if/when I do have the chance, it'll get messed up. But that's enough of that.

More discussion with Morde'an today about my life and why it's this way... I was discussing my possible histrionic tendencies... but I'm beginning to think I'm not as much histrionic as I am brainwashed to think I'm exaggerating. Damn but my mind is screwy. So I just want someone who understands. I'm slowly going to go mad. Okay that angst is peeking. *shove* So I was telling her about my thoughts of late reflecting on growing up as more and more oddities of my way of thinking and reacting come to the forefront and I realize where they came from. It's not pleasant and it makes me upset. I realized how much emotion I was practically hurling out tonight and I'm glad Morde'an wasn't upset by it. It felt like i was hurling it almost like a weapon. Not aimed at anyone, but if you're the only one in the room, you'd probably think so. I'm sorry about that. I think I've done that sort of thing in the past, and no one wants to get hit with it.

I was just talking. That's enough to make me start shivering and get teary eyed and have my voice go all jumpy, though. So I still feel like I'm being overly dramatic, but I realized that too is something that has been brainwashed into me. My mother's been telling me I'm just a drama queen since I was in grade school. She's been telling me I'm a liar for just as long. Get your damned head on straight. I don't tell *your* truths because they aren't true--they're irrational.

Anyhow, my realization of the week is my bizarre defense system. I just let others do as they like or say what they want and give in to them as much as possible. Passive defense. Then I do whatever it is that I actually feel I should rather than what I've been threatened with afterward. We were actually taught to do this to deal with our grandmother's strange idiosyncrasies. Appease her while she's there and ignore her later. Great. This is *not* something I should be using in my everyday life. You can't just not deal with things and then back out. Bugger. If I ever get up any guts I'll hope hard and get to a psychologist of some sort.

The thing, though... So you talk out your problems. You figure out what's wrong. You work to change your ideas/thoughts/reactions..... It doesn't matter. You're never the same again. I'll always have some bizarre looking scars, no matter how much I progress. I'll never be uncracked. Just better glued together. It's bizarrely melodramatic when I say it, but it applies to all of us in greater and lesser degrees. Our entire country will never be the same again after September eleventh, no matter who we murder, no matter how much we improve defense, no matter how much time passes. I'm so angry about what our government thinks is justifiable. Death is not justifiable. Especially the innocent, but honestly? I'm not in favour of killing *anyone.* Ever. Insanity should not be punishable by death. Differing ideals, nope. Overzealousness? Wanna try finding something *we* aren't guilty of first? Damn. Yes, I'm a freaking' vegetarian, hippie pacifist. So we were attacked. Haven't we all been attacked? Does that *ever* mean we are supposed to respond in kind? Is that what we teach our kids? If the bully beats you you should kick the shit out of him in return? Violence is not justifiable. No one needs more pain. We'll all damn well get enough of our own in time. Do we have to bomb everyone? Why is it not good enough to stop people? Why is death our answer? Because it feels good? I bloody well hope not. That's disgusting and sick. Patriotism is turning my stomach more than ever before.

There are a lot of things that happen to us in life that we can't control. All we can control is our reactions to these things. I feel cheated. Some of the crap I'm turning out now are things I don't feel I even had the choice to control reaction to. Who at ages below ten has the option to trust or not trust their parents? People don't make those decisions. We aren't supposed to need to. I should read up on Piaget again... see at stages before formal operations if we're capable of choosing these things. I feel like a lot of who I've become is built on a foundation I never laid. I'm happy to a large extent with who I've become, but I find myself wondering now and again exactly who I'd be if I had grown up with a functional, happy family. I would probably have a better self-concept, but I'd probably also be a less valuable person. At least according to the scale I have now.

I want happiness. I want it for everyone. Without exception. Even those others might claim to be "evil." More likely misguided, I'd say. Yes, I know some people's happinesses seem to be incompatible. That's why I'm a bit too much of an idealist. There are worse things to be in this world. But really.... I especially want my friends to be happy. That's part of what friendship is, right? People you want to be happy for. To rejoice with. I want everyone to know that I'm hoping for them. I want you all to find the things of value, the people of value in your lives. I want everyone to find love. I want everyone to feel appreciated. I love so many people, and that in and of itself makes me happy.

It's been decided that I'm not goth. Not even a perky goth. :P I'm genuinely a happy person. I'm just fighting to stay there. It's a bit hard. I feel gifted, though. Happiness is nothing only in itself, but love is always worthy. I may not always be happy, but I always love. Bless you all.
posted by Unknown at 11:58 PM