i'm still exhausted. and unmotivated. and numerous other bad things. i think i need to reclaim my time and soon. i have two concerts coming up in the next week, and i ought to be more prepared.

every time i try to put to rest my dislike of dr. royal she does something else which seems aimed at driving me nuts. today she switched my part on the piece we're playing on saturday's concert. today. four days before the concert. *sigh* i take pride in my playing. my goal is to never have a performance that sounds inadequate to my ears. i'm not really attaining this goal, but it's there, and today's little flip flop probably won't help me in my aim. i was just annoyed in general today. i was doing so well when i was reading the music that first time today. my intonation was right on with hannah's and i was actually getting most of the notes, rhythms and dynamics despite the fact that i could hardly see the music. it sucks to play off of tiny music. my eyes are going to boycott. this was all fine, but it's less than a week before the concert and dr. royal changed where we all are playing again because she's trying for an overall aesthetic. the piece was originally supposed to be just a quartet, but now she had something like fifteen of us playing it, so she sticks one on a part for a lot of the music. so now i play about half the music that's written on the page. *sigh* i just want to play. it seems like the world doesn't want me to do that, though.

i still haven't really gotten comfortable with ensemble music on piccolo. it's just so hard to play in tune and with good tone when you constantly get signs indicating you need to be quieter and blend more while you're playing top register. i begin to understand why i never heard tino much in concerts. unfortunately i think he's better at toning down his sound than i am.

i don't know why i'm not happy, but i should be right now, and i just would like to take a minute and consider why i am/should be thankful. and so i am. i just don't know how to say it, or who to tell. but regardless. thank you.

now i just need to get through three books and a paper before thursday. damn, but i've been procrastinating. and i'm not starting tonight because i'm too tired to focus. *sigh* good night.
posted by Unknown at 9:06 PM