GOOD: People are being nice to me again today. My friend Carolyn told me I look especially pretty today, Rich told me I sing just like Cara, my last roommate who happens to be a vocal major, Dr. Royal was highly complementary of my playing in studio.... Morde'an told me I'm an interesting person. I'm finding that I have a really distinctive personality, and mostly in a good way. People who meet me tend not to forget me. I think I'm vivacious or something like that. *shrug* And I'm being more me. I'm asserting myself. This has resulted in...

BAD: My mother emailed me and she's being awful again. She entitled the email "Think again" and basically told me I'm a fool for wanting to get a job after I graduate college. HELLO? *sigh* She thinks I should go into grad school immediately. She thinks I should stay at home. Basically this is her being totally controlling and insecure and trying not to show it. She thinks that moving to DC would be ill-advised not because she really can argue against it, but merely because it means I'm leaving my family. She's always wanted me to hold my family in higher regard than my friends. Well guess what. Not a shot in hell. My family loves me, it's true, but my friends love me too, and they aren't slowly killing my soul, my freedom, my self. They don't hurt me on a daily basis when I live with them. I do not *fear* them. I will never live with you again, mom, and you've bloody well had your chance. You can't take it back now by threatening me with this irrationality.

GOOD: My sister replied to my mother's email and forwarded me what she said. My sister understands me better than almost anyone else in the world and supports me. Bless you, Debi. I can't say how much that meant. Bless us all.

Bloody Damned Awful: My mother will never understand rationale that doesn't deal with economic status. I don't want money. Not just that I don't want to give up my dreams in order to have money. I wish that I were capable of getting along without money. I want to have a relatively lower middle class style of living. I don't really want a house to myself, I don't want expensive things. I want to live with roommates in a relatively cheap apartment, sleeping on an air mattress, eating lentils and rice, and working nights in the music industry. My biggest luxury will be an internet connection. I know I can pretty much live that way. It's rather a lot like what I did this summer. I don't need to spend money. Me splurging is me buying fresh vegetables. I don't need any of the crap my mother surrounds herself with. For entertainment in DC I generally went to a book store at least every other night and read books there. I didn't buy things. I don't own things. Other than music, that is.

Honestly I can see me spending rather too much money to try and visit people on occasion, but really... my lifestyle? I don't use credit cards much. I use a debit card. I don't get out and go shopping more than twice a month. When I do go I buy five to ten dollars worth of simple things that are pretty much necessity. I'm not living poor here, either. What do I need in my life other than my music and my internet? All that was missing in Utah were my friends, and when I move I'll have them, too.

My mother thinks I'm not planning. She thinks I have no idea what the real world is like. I don't want to live in her real world. I want to live in mine. My real world is not a $1,000 dollar a month apartment, you (not even typing out what I'd like to say), my world is a $800 a month apartment shared with a friend. I can afford that. Hell, I could afford that if I still worked at bloody K mart. I don't buy expensive food. I don't eat out. I don't see movies. I don't want to own a TV. Granted I'm missing a lot of what real life is like having never had to pay utilities and all, but I think I can anticipate a lot more accurately than she thinks I can. And I'm not going to own a car. I'm going to bloody well walk places. And metro is expensive, yes, but it isn't insane, especially if I find a place to work that I can walk to. I can bloody well live just fine without you tearing me apart on a daily basis.

Grad school you say? Hell yes, I want to go to grad school. I don't think I want your money, though. Not with the price you attach. Nor do I know what I want to do with myself. You can't possibly judge what I should do with my life anyhow. You've never been here.

You and your guilt trip. I want to yell and scream and curse. All I can say is this: get out. Your motives are not pure as you profess. You are not as good a person as you'd like to think. You are not an understanding person. You are not a selfless person. You are not sympathetic, empathic, or even willing to consider my point of view. You claim I shut your ideas out... I do tend to discount your ideas. I discount all things which utterly lack logic. You want me to be educated? I'm going to leave this damned place with a degree. You say you'll pay for grad school? What, like the way you paid for my undergrad? By trying to guilt my father into it? With lies and deceit about exactly what's going on with loans and aid? Manipulation? What have you actually paid for my education? Less than five thousand in total. I'd be bitter, but no. GOD BLESS.

I don't want your money. I don't you. Not like this. You say you're going to pay my loans? You said a while back you'd bloody reimburse me for not going to a school as expensive as my sister's. I'll believe that when I see it. You want to hand over about seventy five thousand dollars? Why did you even say that? I don't resent not having the money you spent on my sister, I resent that you would say such a thing in the first place. It's patently idiotic.

You say I'm a fool for living with my friends. You say my friends "are not my future." You know what? I've been friends with Jenna for almost twelve years now. I know who my friends are, and considering how well I've been doing with them for over a decade now, I think they'll still be part of my future. You're judging me based on your experience. I remember your high school friend, Bruna. I know bloody well why you aren't friends with her now. You know what? I have better taste in friends than that. Damn it, I'm not *you*. I'm not a blammed thing like you. Maybe my stubbornness is like yours. That's probably about it. Furthermore I'll *never* be like you. Not until my soul dies.

You suggest that I might be looking to get out of working by *MARRYING*?? What in the heck are you talking about? Where do you come up with this crap? Why do you assume I'll even get married? Damn it, you know so little about me.... I think if I were gay I wouldn't even tell you. Bloody prejudicial, you are, too. You'd prolly shun me. Hey, maybe I should tell you that....

You say that I'm going to DC to play grown up? My only response to that is a pure emotional one of fuck you. I'm sorry, but that's just uncalled for, irrational and insane. Working is playing grown up? Living on my own? Being independent..... Remember all those years you told me that was to be my goal in life? Remember how that was supposed to be what was really important?? Now you've changed your mind because I want to do it without you. Can you guess *why* I want to do it without you?

Damnitall. I want a real grown up as a role model. Someone who loves me without any of this crap. I want to love without constant pain.

Damn. I can't ever just let go of this crap. I always have to work through it first. I hate getting angry. I hate what my relationship with my parents is doing to me. There's no out, either. I have no idea what I can do to get out of any of this. I'm trying my best--I'm leaving.

And then after her whole diatribe she gets the response from my sister. A logical rebuttle. And she tries to cover her tracks. Damnit, I'm not discussing this with you for at least half a week. I'm too busy and I'm too tired and I'm not just going to pretend it's all okay just yet. Let me get over this crap first. Just leave me the heck alone.
posted by Unknown at 9:22 PM