whew. so i'm mostly done with a highly enjoyable weekend, and now i think i did actually make a good decision. i was wondering when i first started on my way out from fredonia... then again from buffalo... *grin* i question myself entirely too much. who would say that going to spend time with a friend is a bad idea? i'm just not used to this sort of impulsiveness, really.

so now i'm a bit aimless for today, but vaguely feeling accomplished and still happy. the kind of mood where the simplest things make you contented disproportionately. the fact that this keyboard is really nice is really not a largish issue, but i'm thrilled just because i can be and i want to choose happiness. i can't always manage to do that. either i can't, or i don't want to be happy at times. when i can, though... i'm coasting. i've gotten so much better at so many things, and happiness is a big one. self confidence is actually another, and to say that at this point is sort of amazing considering what i've done in the past weekend that i'm already laughing at myself for. i do have to say, though, that just the idea of going where i want to go and holding my head up rather than looking at the ground is not something i'd see myself doing a few years back.

i've been thinking a lot this weekend. i think my brain likes to go for extremes: either completely juvenile or rocket scientist are generally my settings. well, not in those terms. either i refuse to think entirely or i spend all of my time doing it, i guess is a more accurate assessment.

about two and a half weeks ago i had a small conversation with a man while getting photos developed. he was joking around with me and teasing me a bit. everyone does that, i just seem to provoke it, and i think it seems to almost be a good thing so long as i can remind myself that it's nothing serious. anyhow, this man was talking about how upon seeing me he had decided i was obviously a deep and mysterious sort of person and that it would be interesting to get inside my head... ok. ^_^ he said something to the effect of "you've got a lot of levels and you can see that there's a lot of substance/depth to your self." my immediate response was, "what? isn't everyone like this?"

i've been thinking about this interchange off and on for a while now... i find it amusing that i'm as self-centered as everyone else and so i automatically assumed that people are just like me in that respect, however, i think it's a compliment to them. i don't really think i believe in shallow people. i don't think they really exist. you can *act* that way, but i don't think people generally actually *are* that way. i think it's more a matter of a defense mechanism that some use on a daily basis, or a method of fitting in with the crowd. when we are called upon, i believe we all have hidden depths. i'm sure there are differences and that not everyone can be on the same level of thinking in these terms, but i cannot believe that people i see on a daily basis are actually the people i see represented.

after i realized that i think this was a compliment i realized that i have yet again managed to find that secretly i like me and i think i'm sort of a good person, but i won't generally admit it unless i corner myself. or if i'm in a good mood, actually. i just love it when i've argued myself into a corner, though. i love being wrong. i love laughing at how stupid i can be. then, somehow, i still respect myself and every once in a while i just decide that, damn, i'm proud to be me.

well, that was cheese. :) anyhow, i think that the experiences and thoughts that have come up due to my presence here are enough to justify my expenditures of time and money. no guilty feelings, and i'll be happy when i'm back, too. nice how things are working out for me lately because i seem to have managed to just let them.
posted by Unknown at 3:43 PM