what is hypocrisy anyhow? i'm sure there are fifty things that i'm doing that if i thought about it i'd say i shouldn't ever do. when does it become morally reprehesible? no one gets angry at you if you advocate doing your homework the same day you get it, but you get a bit lax from time to time.

is it inherently wrong to not believe in what you're doing? i don't even believe in what i believe in, so where do i go from there?

why does this all matter so much? why do people care what you believe? people will be all impressed when you believe in high ideals. or often they are. the thing is, though, almost every teenager in existance is a complete idealist, and i think that no one seems to respect that. there's almost an attitude where high morals just mean you're naive and stupid. so are we really all supposed to act as corrupted as everyone anticipates?

what if you have high ideals and you do follow through? although then you're just untouchable. no one talks to the goody goodies. if you aren't happy with your morals, can you change them? just like that? where did i learn mine from? not my mother, that's for sure. what is inherently part of us, intrinsic to our being? and then... societal pressure. almost more pressure to be self-righteous and talk the talk, but then be hypocritical, since it seems you get mocked and reviled half the time for doing things that are admirable.

who would we all be in a vacuum? i wonder if perhaps i'd be just utterly devoid of personality without feedback from society. which is a sickening thought.

but so does it matter what i do or what i say or what i think? it seems to. to a point, anyhow. why do people care? i just don't understand any of the underlying concepts of friendship, respect, love, or just about anything else.

every once in a while i have some sort of random revelation... well not so much a revelation, but just a moment in time where i understand something fundamentally. i can generally note down the words or ideas, but if i look again later it's meaningless regardless of original phrasing which seemed so fulfilling before.

most notable example of this was about four years back when i understood a fundamental idea of god and what i felt god should be. for about a half hour i felt satisfied. i remember what the concept was. i was just randomly struck when someone referred to "the lord" and i realized that, yes, that's what it is. like the medieval sense where a non-corrupt lord would be one who ordinarily just watches over his people and has little to do in their every day lives, but on occasion gives protection. it doesn't make any sense to me now. it's not about the words.

why is anything about words, anyhow? heck with speech. ideas aren't bad. mental images are pretty good. you can't communicate these things, though. things that actually go through... facial expression. easily misinterpreted. i tend to think vocal inflection is easier to get right, but i'm not sure of that, either. basically nothing is as it should be. everything is just grasping at straws since we never have absolute knowledge or truth. i never really know who my friends *are*, nor do i know myself. i don't know anything factual about my environs. or nothing important, anyhow. it sucks being a skeptic, because there is an absolute lack of comfort.

i wonder if i'd have an easier time of actually believing things if i had been brought up with any sort of religion. fundamental incapability to believe in anything you can't prove... accompanied by my refusal to even believe my senses or classic assumptions most people feel you can start with....

basically i'm just lost and alone even within myself. and i don't know that there's anything i'll ever be able to do about it. i always felt that having someone understand me would be the most wonderful thing possible. i don't think it actually *is* possible, though. now what?
posted by Unknown at 11:59 AM