it's now almost seven hours after i first started attempting to get blogger to save my simple little change to the template... finally it worked. hot damn, but i'm a stubborn idiot. every once in a while i guess that's a good thing.

i have done nothing. nothing. well. ok. well, no, nothing. flargh. it'll be ok, though, i didn't really need to be doing things. i just feel like i should have. morde'an was saying something similar today. i guess we both have little work to do, but we haven't really finished the piddling little bit we have regardless. huh, that's not good.

i think my work issues are related to time. i can't do work if it's going to be simple and brief and no problem to finish. i do much better when my back is against the wall and all my classes have way too much work and i'm doing extra activities anyhow and i have no time to breathe. yeah, that's what i said. yeah, it works for me. take my senior year of high school... you know how everyone says that senior year is a breeze? well that's because everyone wasn't taking/involved in seven ap courses, three other courses, six ensembles, ACT, french club, all-county orchestra, officer in music honour society.... (do i do *anything* that isn't art related??)

there's actually a bunch of other things i was doing, i believe, that i just can't seem to remember. this is not to say i got straight As at that point, but merely to say that i never did in the first place, and at least at that point i was doing more work than usual. looking back... damn. i probably could have gotten into a decent school. senior year is way too late to be thinking about what might have been, though.

i feel like i've just wasted all my potential. i used to be good. once. i used to be respected. i wonder if i do anything on the same level anymore. maybe i think as much. maybe more since i seem to have nothing else to do. and i dream.

scary dreams of late. last night's was not pleasant. it seemed like it should have been a positive dream in some ways, but the extreme negative reaction to the idea of it skews it back toward nightmare again. urgh. meanwhile, oddly enough it had a board person in it. second time in two days. two nights ago was clawdia and spritelord. last night was toon, but blatantly wrong. she was as i first imagined her, rather than as i've seen her in the pictures she posted. it seemed her only purpose in being there, though, was to serve to mortify me. i just felt awful that she was subjected to seeing the main action sequence of the dream, which was a fight between my mother and i. strangely it seemed like the dream mirrorred a real life event from a few years back, but this time my reaction was one of strength rather than intimidation. would have seemed to be a positive thing, except that when i woke up i was horrified at myself. *sigh*

i think i'm just experiencing vague terror of late. about a week of general uneasiness, queasiness and general lack of well-being. hmm. should work on that last one--time to sleep. g'night.
posted by Unknown at 10:19 PM