i still haven't been getting quite enough work done, but everything i miss has been falling in really fortunate spots. i didn't finish looking backward by edward bellamy for yesterday's philosophy class, but neither did anyone else, and we discussed the attacks instead of that book for a long while. didn't finish reading for english class either, once i got the email from our professor telling us we wouldn't be discussing the book. i did have time to practice piccolo ensemble music, and i had a mini sectional today on that which went perfectly. i'm just lucking out all over the place right now.

i feel that my life is going quite well right now, and i can see people around me having a lot more difficulty. wish i could express to them my feelings... i want to be there for people because i can see people in pain. one person we know who has family in pakistan is worried sick right now. reactions here on campus have also made him feel unwelcome here. i wish i could talk to him... i don't know him well enough, though. honestly i feel that i'm supposed to help people, and it seems like there isn't opportunity lately. regardless of what i can't do, these people are in my thoughts and i hope for the best. bless us all.

although i haven't been having the sort of conversations i feel would help others, today was still a day of conversations. this is always important to me. i get such clarity from having to express my ideas and from hearing others. i think the single most important thing uttered today in my presence was this: numbness is also an emotion. i never thought about it before, but it seems accurate to me. carolyn, abigail, morde'an and i were discussing over dinner carolyn's attempt today to exist without feeling. she was largely unsuccessful, and i think the three of us decided we'd have no shot either. carolyn commented that even when you do feel somewhat blank, that that in itself is not a lack of feeling, but a distinguishable emotion.

from there we discussed meditation, tai chi and then we moved on to morde'an's brother and his ability to perceive without thinking about it, or so he claims. meanwhile, let me just write down his name: jerry. i kept forgetting. i met him last semester and he, morde'an and i had an excellent conversation for a few hours, but somehow i can never remember his name! it was driving me insane. we were discussing heading off to niagara falls this weekend and having him join us, but discussion soon proved that this weekend is just begging us to stay home in so many ways.

it's so amusing how specific things in society are so taboo that you're vaguely shocked if they ever come up in serious discussion. most obvious example, to my eyes, being sex. we ended up in a discussion about what we think about when we think of sex. started with samantha asking if i was bothered by her latest method of teasing, which is essentially to tell everyone that i've been spending my weekends having inordinate amounts of sex. umm. right. also lots of jokes concerning adam and me and how i'm just using him, etc. and that i'm having baseless sex with him in addition to nameless others. umm. his girlfriend is one of my best friends on campus. this whole concept disturbs me immensely.

ordinarily i'd say most of this was just silliness and somewhat amusing, but she's telling people that she's introducing me to these things. granted her tone of voice still implies that it's not at all serious, but still, on some level these people's first impressions of me will be something to the effect of, "that's right--barbara--sex girl." not something i really want. so she agreed to stop at least around people i'm just meeting. anyhow, we moved on from there.

lauren and karen had a discussion with sam recently and were shocked when sam told them she doesn't think about sex often. makes sense to me. honestly i have to be sort of bored for it to cross my mind, generally. sam told us she made a resolution to *try* to think about it more, but that it was just not working.^_^ anyhow, this led to a discussion between sam, morde'an, leora, marielle and i on what, when and why we think about this subject.

i think it was just fascinating to hear what other people had to say because this is something no one ever discusses, so you never quite know if you're being bizarre and paranormal. well, now i know. i'm pretty damned normal. go me. well, or at least among that group. if we got karen and leeann in there then i'd be weird for not obsessing.

oh, and the guy's perspective brought to us by kerry, who is a wonder of clarity and pithiness, etc. "it's not that i think of sex thousands of times a day. i think of it once and it just keeps going all day." well... i think the average guy's mindset is completely incomprehensible to me, and that certainly didn't help. damn, but i'm happier to be female.

oh, so after that we got on to all sorts of silly topics, and morde'an told us about this game she played a while back. i'm hoping we can do this maybe this sunday. it's called "crippled football." basically you play football, but your ankles are duct taped together and your upper arms are duct taped to your torso. you hop around and try to carry the ball while only being able to move your forearms. morde'an says it's fabulous because there's no such thing as skill lever here, and you really have great difficulties keeping your balance without your arms. *grin* i'm good at falling down--i should excel at this game. apparently, though, the field has to be rather small or else you simply can't get anywhere. not that i expect i would anyhow. so now we're saying that we're going to go down to big lots and get ourselves some cheap duct tape. let the games begin!

i think after three straight days of talking about nothing but the attacks i've said what i want to and heard all that i need. not to say that i will completely stop thinking about it, but to say that normal life creeps back in and i welcome it. i feel relatively at peace, but i wonder what it will be like to see new york again in the future, and to see dc again when i go to visit jenna (which i *will* do.)

jenna says that lisa is considering moving to dc permanently. if she does... i would go in a minute. my two best friends in the world... it would be the first time ever that i'd be able to live less than two hours away from either of them. i already know that i *can* live with them, and i think that if i needed to get my feet on the ground (obviously i would need to at first) they'd let me stay over for a bit until i could find my own apartment. alternately, i have high hopes that i could actually live with at least one of them.

it still isn't what i want... i want to live in new england in a house with a bunch of people... i want people around me. i certain wouldn't object to my own room, though. the thing that concerns me is that i have no idea if i'd be able to further my career in dc. what sound companies are down there? i can't think of anything off hand. hmm. i was considering chicago as an option because i know what industry is like over there from morde'an. i know i could get into the field there. so much confusion in my life, still. i think it'll all work out, but for now i'm adrift.

and this is getting long-winded. and i'm tired. and i'm going to sleep now. bless weekends. :)
posted by Unknown at 11:37 PM