i have insane amounts of luck. i slept through my lesson. this is indescribably awful. immediate reaction of anyone who knows me is, "but you *never* miss lessons!" which i suppose makes it this bad, and yet better. the whole concept of missing.... *gurgle* we don't do that. playing is something that really matters to me. almost the only thing left it seems at times. so i missed my lesson. but my lesson teacher almost did herself. now i have nothing to apologize for, and about thirty pages of music to work on for next week.

no no! that's a *good* thing. really. i'm so excited to play this piece. eleven pages of khachaturian and fourteen pages of ginastera.... and telemann partitas.... *sigh* i love playing.

today i was forgiven. i guess. something like that. just put me back safely on the shelf. you never should have gone near me in the first place.

yesterday i ended up with my ever spiralling thoughts. typical of how these things go in my head. forgiveness should be granted to all. but it shouldn't be forgiveness. it should be acceptance and tolerance. but it shouldn't be tolerance. we should never be resentful in the first place. but then i got to a place where i resented someone because of their resentment, so i never should have resented or deigned to forgive them or any of what i was concerned with myself in the first place. no apologies. no sadness, anger, resentment. just be. understanding. living, loving, letting things go. so then moving on emotionless? but that doesn't seem desirable either. so then we should be allowed anger. we're always told it's justifiable. we just aren't allowed to show it? maybe that's it. maybe we're allowed to be angry and hurt, but we have to just work it out away from those whom we may hurt. that's what i've tried so hard to do. walk away and come back later. but sometimes before you can leave the damage is done.

everything is so hard. at the same time though, it's all so elementary. i will love as many as i can. i will be tolerant of as many people as possible. i will try to make this all, but i know i will not quite succeed. i will try to have my love outweigh my dislike, to have my happiness outweigh sadness, forgiveness outweigh condemnation. what else can anyone do?

morde'an and i have discussed ideas, faith and spirituality a bit of late. it looks like i'm trying to convert her to taoism. which i'm not of course. i don't like it when anyone proselytizes to me. or anything close. enlightened discussion of faith is always good. attempts at persuasion revolt me. this constant search for meaning seems often to turn up little for me. i question forever and in the wake of questioning i find these structures of belief that loop in upon themselves with no solid base and no clear destination or finish. large chunks of ideas that feed upon themselves and make sense within the context they create for themselves, but which may not apply elsewhere.

when we search for truth it is often through media of maths/sciences, philosophy or religion. personally i seem to be eschewing all of these more elegant methods and looking for blunt, raw truth. well, that's because the elegant methods don't work for me.

math finds truth... relative truth. within its own system. math finds truth within a structure that has been created by the medium itself, and what is found does not seem to me to carry over to the rest of the world. science is the same way. also, the truths they find are not supposed to be ultimate truths. it's an attempt at a handle on the world, but science admits constantly that it is open to question. i applaud this, but then of course it means that science is by definition not truth.

religion is pretty much out of the question for me. it seems largely to require leaps of faith, lack of logic and sheer pigheadedness in the belief that you've figured it all out and it's all very simple and here it is. no, don't look at the inconsistancies. hey, that's not fair--you're trying to make sense of it. it just is. what bs. sounds like magic to me.

well, that's not fair. that's what i think of mainstream christianity and western religions to some large extent. it's not universally true. eastern religions are vastly different, but i think still they seem to evade the point. taoism isn't about truth. it's about being. it would probably discourage all my introspection to some extent. i'm struggling too much. i should be able to let go. but no. beacuse i want truth even while i refuse to believe in its existence. hot damn but i'm a stupid person.

so now we're up to philosophy. everything is philosophy. silly, short pithy statements uttered in the café are bloody philosophy. my issue with philosophy is that it seems to have gotten to a point where it's just another way of superimposing a system onto the world to describe it. you believe in one school of thought you put on one screen, another school means you use a different frame of reference.

philosophically i often take the cynic's route, not just because i don't believe in ultimate truth, but also because i don't believe in philosophy. it makes me a terrible pain to have as a student, i'm sure.

i recall jenna's fun argument with beth's boyfriend... what was his name again? aaron. he was absolutely convinced in the truth of tibetan buddhism. to the point where it blinded him to all other reason, just as i see christianity blind so many. (i'm not inherently prejudiced against one thing. i'm prejudiced against all things. ^_^) he wanted to argue the innate cupness of jenna's tumbler. silly argument, really. was supposed to be lighthearted. jenna took the cynic's role. he got so frustrated and angry. you can't force your worldview on another, and both their points and logical extensions were perfectly valid. both had truth within their own systems.

so basically i deal with raw morality and emotion. what should be. utter idealism. the stuff we were supposed to sort out as teens. except for one thing: i started from about the age of eight and i'm not done yet. i've always thought too much. now i write too much to go along with that.

i never come to real conclusions. or when i do they vanish so quickly. they seemed to make sense yesterday, but now they mean nothing. do i lose these ideas? seems unlikely with they way my memory functions. maybe they're all still in there, but on a more fundamental level. maybe i'm learning, but these ideas are becoming part of my being so that i can no longer pick them out and analyze them.

no. no, i doubt it. i don't think i ever really can see progression. *gurgle* so why do i keep going? then i feel like i'm not even thinking enough. where does that come from? i can't be as shallow as i think--even i don't understand any of me.

i'm still sane. i'm rational. i'm just too convoluted to be sorted out into any sort of order or sense. i can't detect even my own motives half the time. and then sometimes i think i'm so transparent. honestly i feel i owe the world an apology for being this confused. so i'm trying to understand. all this is doing is detailing why i can't figure myself out. well, at least i'm amused. and i'm longwinded just like the olden days. *sigh* *yawn* g'night.
posted by Unknown at 10:20 PM