damn. been a while. whole server went down. *sigh* now i almost wish it had just stayed down.

i'm sorry. i'm sorry for who i am, for what i've said. for the freeness with which i think. for the lack of respect i seem to have for so many people, things, institutions... i'm just sorry. and i shouldn't really have to be. it's so hard... what i think and say are of course part of who i am, but since that's changing every minute i live... and how can anyone hate at all when we have been through so much and we all have so much pain already? how can anything be valid when everything is so temporary? how can i deal with humanity as a whole when i feel like i'm not even talking to my closest friends?

i don't know anything. i've often tried to think that i do know some things here and there. for that, i'm sorry. for everything. i'm sorry. and i wish that mattered, but it doesn't either. nor does anyone seem to care. damn. i feel so distant from so many people. i feel like such an infant. i hate feeling.

i see so many people with so much pain or just angst or really anything, and i just think how much i'd like to be there for someone and how much i just really want to communicate and to help others. then i look at myself and see how i'm doing things that are potentially damaging to others. it is just so incredibly hard to be a good person. it's so hard to realize, not just realize, but to fully grasp and live knowing that whatever awfulness, sadness, pain, anger and everything else is going on in your life shouldn't give you any reason to hurt someone else. there is no reason to hurt others. it's damned hard to admit when you've done it. it's damned hard to face people and say you're sorry. even your friends. it's hardest yet to actually avoid it in the first place.

i've always said that i'm blessed in my friends, and i never lose people through arguments. i feel so damned superiour in saying that. damn me, but i'm a fucking self-satisfied, elitist, ugly jerk. not always, but damn. i'm just sorry. so sorry.

i wish everything were brand new. i wish i could start over. i wish i had a reason to be better. i wish i cared myself. about myself. about what are supposed to be my driving passions. about something besides what i've irrevocably fucked up in my life. i'm sorry.
posted by Unknown at 5:12 PM