yes, so i missed yesterday. not my fault, though. *petulant whinging* blogger was down for hours, and i was trying my best to get to it from about one to five. i somehow can't manage to write if i'm not looking at this screen. it's all just habit, i suppose, since there's nothing special about this. i could do it just as well in notepad, really. except that i can't actually write for some reason. *shrug*

anyhow, so today was such a thrillingly fun day off, and i spent most of the day attempting to be in #tribrunchma in irc and failing. highly amusing. whenever i joined clawdia's server i found that it died soon after. eventually it was suggested that i stop using pirch, and that perhaps my client was causing the server to die. as the day wore on, however, it became quite clear that i myself was killing the server. yes, little old me. no, i have no idea why. although apparently two other people are also involved in the slaughter.

in any case, i spent a good deal of time jumping back and forth from server to server, running two different clients and considering swearing the whole thing off entirely. it's odd... even when the channel isn't active i want to be there. it's like i'm cut off from society when i can't get in. in any case, rampant boredom led me to do something out of my usual, and join a different channel. it was entertaining, since i'm a flaming offensive newbie and whatnot, and all of these people are too clever for their own good. in any case, if i had any urges to be a howling sycophant and throw myself at the feet of these theoretical computer gurus/humour deities (i don't remember any urges, but maybe i'm blocking it out) i managed to control them and myself sufficiently well not to be ignored, kicked, banned or anything else even vaguely of interest.

it's odd... on one level all of us are just people. nothing more, nothing less. no matter what we've accomplished, we all have a lot in common including many of the same strengths, weaknesses, and ideas and culture, even, since we're all in the same country. a lot in common, really. but we put up our own dividers. we say to ourselves "these are the people i can associate with. these are the people who are like me. these are the people i find acceptable, these are the people who aren't good enough, these are the people who are too good for me." not everyone has these thoughts precisely, but there definitely is some sort of sorting going on for all of us, even just off of visual cues.

when we had alternative dress day for my music education class i dressed once as a preppy and once as a girly type. it really helped to show what i'm used to, what habits i'm in, and how other people usually perceived me, because for the most part there was a huge change resulting from my new look. when we meet people for the first time we have little to evaluate them on other than looks. but it isn't all as shallow as that. we aren't all looking at how attractive people are as our only criterion for deciding if they're good enough to talk to us. not like that at all for most people, i'd think. it's more that you're looking at style, posture, body language, etc. to determine what kind of person they are. i know from looking at you if you're uptight, or if you're absolutely stuck on your appearance, or if you're a casual person.... on the flip side of the coin of things i'd rather not think i was looking at, i can also get a bit of a grip on your socioeconomic status and if you go with stereotypical groupings then i can tell if you're a skater, a goth, a prep, etc.

you can tell rather a lot about me from how i dress, i'd think. if you got a look at my whole closet i think you'd definitely get some conclusions. if you look at my walk, my gestures... listen to me speak. without hearing any of my words you can tell who i am. and yet lately i'm attempting to get to know people with nothing but words. hmm. i wonder sometimes if they aren't extraneous at some points.... mood and whatnot diminish the usefulness of actually listening to my words. i really think it might be the least important thing... and yet i worry so much about what i come up with to say, and is it clever enough? and will it make others comprehend?

no. definitively no. you won't understand completely. if i read all of shakespeare's works and all of his letters and a diary... i won't know shakespeare. not even close. which makes the whole concept of online friendships with people you've never met just a bit weird. i love some of the people i talk to online now. they're great people, i'm happy to "see" them, it's all that's keeping me from being insanely lonely and bored here in bloody utah. nonetheless... it's not that they aren't friends, i suppose. it's just that it's very skewed to my way of thinking.

i wonder sometimes why anyone still has interest in talking to me, and i think that a good deal of the problem is that this isn't even me. or it's not much more than a fraction. i've felt before that insecurity and lack of solidity in online discussions and relationships even with people i already know. it's much worse when you have no basis to start from.

i never really gave any depth of thought about these sort of things until this year. i knew from winter of freshman year when i first got my own computer that talking over aim to my best friends just wasn't the same... i don't think it concerned me much, and i didn't really form any conclusions about negative or positive aspects. i always love talking to my friends, and it was the same in this case, too. i spent more than one lonely weekend freshman year glued to my computer talking to lisa for hours and feeling oh so happy to be able to do it. now i think i'm spoiled. i get to talk to people online all the time, so i can more easily see the downside.

life is funny like that. the more you have to appreciate, the less you care about it, generally. i've sometimes felt luckier when in the middle of something awful just because i was that much better able to recognize happiness. this summer has largely been dulling to my senses, and i hope i can get back to normalcy when i get back to school. i've been happy a lot. i've also been rather numb. it's not bad precisely. well. hmm.

i often feel as though misfortune is really terribly good for us. the whole trite "whatever doesn't kill you..." phrase comes to mind, but that doesn't even begin to cover it. stronger, eh. whatever. happier, i think, though. more aware, perhaps? maybe more sensitive. hmm. that would explain a lot for me, now wouldn't it? in any case, i wonder if i have had it too easy of late, and maybe i could do with some absolute bottom of the barrel sludge here and there. geez. i should like a masochist.

eh. tomorrow i work again, but i also get paid again, and i'm going into my last week of work, too. yes!! i was considering getting up early and going through whatever rigmarole to get to work and cash my check, but i realized that i have no need, really. and who wants to be carrying four hundred dollars around? which i think i would be on the way home if i did continue to cash my checks. i guess i'll just wait until i get home and deposit all of this. hmm. this was the purpose of my summer. to come away with whatever money in the bank. it just seems so silly. i still can't really equate the work i've done with whatever luxuries are present in my life. maybe i'll get a better handle on it when i'm independent. i hope so, at any rate. well, i think it's time to head off and get well-rested and whatnot. g'night.
posted by Unknown at 12:37 AM