today seems to be random thoughts day... started with my shower where i found myself wondering if i really do love music as much as other people do... or is it just because i'm good at it that i continue? it's odd.... out of preference i listen to non-classical about ninety percent of the time, but it seems that other people enjoy that more than i do.

hmm. well i do *really* appreciate it, but i just don't seem to get a good enough handle on why, and i think it seems like i'm just not obsessive about it at all... like the fact that i'm actually more pleased having missed the depeche mode concert this summer because i felt it was too expensive. and i wouldn't have even been paying. i don't seem to care about my "favourite" groups/singers anywhere near as much as other people. the most i know about any artist is probably akhénaton, and that's just because i did a project on french hip hop and he's the head. he's it. he's the god of hip hop in marseille. damn, i love his stuff. i even had a dream with him in it. i'm a freakball.

i've read a book on depeche mode... but every once in a while i can't remember who the fourth member is. i own one poster from a music group. U2's pop poster. given to me by my sister, i think. she gave me a DM one way back when, but i lost it. i've owned two concert t-shirts in all my life. the first was erasure. i loved that shirt a lot more than the concert. it said "phantasmagorical" on it, and i wore it when i was about ten and no one had a bloody clue what that meant. :) the second shirt was from U2's pop tour and i have no idea where it is now, and that bothers me. it was a nice shirt.

can we tell i have a lot of respect for the material things associated with the music? yeah. but then that still doesn't cancel out my lack of obsession. i own all of depeche mode's albums. and a couple singles. but somehow that isn't enough. i don't know as much about them as roup and clickie on the board, and roup's stumped me a few times on their stuff. i should be a better obsessive fan.

the thing is that i'll still feel passionate about some aspects of this... but it's strictly associated with the music, i guess. i have no interest in the related paraphernalia, or even the group to some extent. i love deep forest, and i'll listen to some of their songs and just be. it's fabulous, and i sing and i vocally improvise over the top of the music, but i don't really know if i'd care if i met them. well, except i maybe i'd be curious about their methods since i'd really love to make music like theirs.

until i put this down i didn't understand why classical music seemed more fulfilling to me. or my relationship with it is more fulfilling, rather. see all you can do with classical music is listen. i can't ever even try to meet dvorak or collect berio t-shirts. :) i can go to concerts, and i do, but mostly you can't even go to a concert that's all one composer. unless it's a bach or mostly mozart festival type thing. so sitting and playing dvorak's eight and ninth symphonies obsessively on repeat and whistling them as i work and whatnot is the most you can do, and i'm quite good at that. when i listen to classical i'm doing the utmost that you can do with it. none of this following debussy around the country crap that insane, obsessed radiohead fans and other such types are expected to do.

the other thing about classical is the obvious step further. i can play it. when i'm in orchestra i'm not just playing the music, or following it... i'm absorbed entirely into it. which is amazing. to the point where you can't put it in words. playing john adams... oh my. focus. concentration. excitement. on the edge of your seat the whole time and building up in tension.... getting to those incredible peaks and putting your whole being into it....

there's something about modern music. i'm fond of baroque, and i love playing it, but it's not the same. baroque is emotional control and playing elegantly and being ornate and aloof. it's got beauty, but it lacks passion. romantic music... better. it has a lot of emotion. it isn't the same sort, though. romanticism is unrealistic emotion, almost. too pat. too elegant, still. very conscious of its own beauty. i love both of these types, and i think i could go quite a while without tiring of them. the only era i don't like is classical. all that precision and perfection and illustration of skill without feeling behind it. or it seems that way so often. as though the focus was no longer on making art, but just impressing people. i can do this run and at a high speed, but make it sound effortless and light.

bleh. i don't want effortless and light. i want my whole being shunted into this one jagged discordant run that is honestly way too fast and i'm holding on by my teeth as i furiously push on and pray to all the heavens that my fingers will remain as faithful to me as they always do. my precious skill that i work for so many hours of my life to get through these three lines of runs that i thought were not actually possible to perform when i first saw this piece.

the orchestra pushes forward once more and we get to a point where the low brass are playing so powerfully that you almost want to hold your ears, but you won't. because it would diminish the incredible power which is worth more to you than your hearing at this point because it's the concert night and this is the most incredible thing you've ever played and you're doing it so well tonight and you want to savour every moment. then comes your entrance and it's nothing complicated... a bit of odd rhythm. sure it's in the insane upper register, but you're supported by forty other people and you're going to play with the three other people in your section in your unfathomable modern harmony that should be dissonant, but isn't, inexplicably.

you look at the conductor and he's got the most incredible expression on his face as he's consumed by the music and you're on the last section and heading toward the most dramatic finish as the whole group crescendos from a height you would have sworn could not be topped. you come in to the last phrase of the piece and you give it your all and you wouldn't have believed that it was possible for one person to use that much air and maybe you'll just pass out now, but what does it matter? the audience is in a state of shock and you've got the cut off and now the last incredibly powerful note is echoing slightly through the enormous concert hall. you're getting a standing ovation. and it isn't the last piece.

and that's john adams' clarinet concerto, third movement. actually, that's only the last two or three pages. this piece is almost not a human experience. it transcends dull, boring existence. i need to get back into orchestra. i better damned well practice more.

so am i obsessive enough? i don't know. i still think i'm not, actually. hmm. i should have learned the behaviours of ocd from my mother, but i guess i'm not applying them to my major. what am i obsessive about? huh. dunno. oh yeah. wait.

i'm perfectionistic about everything. today was the second time in a row that i left work with things left undone. not just little things, either. i'm working the whole time. i'm doing thing every moment of the six hours i'm allotted. and i *can't* finish. and it really bothers me. today three of my coworkers were telling me to calm down and stop worrying about it. heh. one of them said i could go back to her place and have a beer with her to calm down. umm. thanks, but i'm not a drinker.

but i'm not happy about leaving work undone. and the district manager is coming in *again* tomorrow. what the bloody farghing heck? he seems to be in twice a week of late. my only consolation is that i'm almost out of here. four days left. although now i have to talk with robin, my boss...

we have to give two weeks notice before quitting. fine. i gave two and a half. they scheduled me for work next week regardless. umm... guys? i'm going to be across the country. you're just going to have to bloody well deal.

when i saw that the new schedule was up i was so excited to go look and to see "not av" for friday through wednesday... except it didn't say that. it said "1014 thurs 5-11pm sat 5-11pm sun 3-10:30pm tues 5-11pm" umm... yeah. so now i have to track down robin, whom i haven't seen in a week. blergh. you can't blame me, though. i did what was required. and if they wanted more.... well let's just say that i have a lot to fault them for since they never put me through preliminary training in the first place. they're bloody lucky i catch on well.

eh. not worth worrying about. i'll be on my first unavailable day this time next week and i'll be packing and planning out my list of what to bring to school and my much smaller list of what to do before brunchmeet. which i'll be making not so much because i need it, but more so that i can revel in the fact that i'm actually going. :) of course i'll be reveling in the college one, too, really. ooh! life will be Very Good Indeed quite soon. i just hope my major and my schedule work out.

well, i think this was certainly a brainful. :) i could actually get to sleep early tonight. if not for the fact that i had mountain dew only an hour ago. darn me, i was supposed to give up caffeine. eh. i'll try again at school where i actually have an alternative. like juice. because i'm not paying. g'night.
posted by Unknown at 12:02 AM