ok, so auditions are over. it almost seems like it was too easy. not enough torture. which isn't to say that it went well, but still. i should have had unbearable pain physically and spiritually as usual. i got more nervous than i thought i would. one of the freshmen teased me for it because i was explaining something to her and i was speaking at incredible speeds and shaking. ^_^

so now the next nervous part begins: the wait. incidentally they don't tell us how long the wait will actually be, so we just get to be nervous indefinitely. blergh. i didn't play well. i never play well. i don't know what the difference is. meanwhile, every time i discuss this with certain people... it seems i'm accounted as one of the people to be feared in the studio. there are those that you always refer to when you discuss why you're not getting any better seat... why does my name always come up? i'm not that good. my technique isn't clean enough, i have insanely awful tendencies to rush, i have no finesse. i'm just... not as good as my ability would dictate i could or *should* be. but i'm not slacking off. which means that i just don't have practicing skills? i don't know.

so talking with megan again after auditions... she really looks up to me, i think. which is weird. i'm not a good role model. especially since i'm not in with dr. royal. *shrug* this whole studio is skewed and weird and everyone knows it. we all just deal with it. well, except for a bunch of people i know who boycotted this semester, actually.

it looked like this semester we were going to be fair for once and have screened auditions so that they wouldn't be picking by who we are. of course then dr. royal arrived and the idea of impartiality went flying out the window as she declared from on high that screening would certainly not apply to us. *shrug* i guess it shouldn't matter to me--i seem to be doing well by the system.

so i guess i should go to mason yet again and see what rumours i can scout out. plus i need to get to the library and pick up a job application. i signed up for night desk attendant, but if i can work normal hours instead, i should take it. classes start tomorrow. gah. i have to get up before seven to start registering for classes i'll be attending only hours later. gah.

and double gah. now we have results back. in one day. that's just screwy. plus i can now finally substantiate my whinging about how awful my audtion was. i'm in the same place i was when i first got here freshman year. i've dropped two ensembles. *sigh* i wouldn't care so much if everyone didn't keep telling me i was good. *shrug* i give up. i'm not worrying about it all anymore. this is my last year and no one bloody cares. i'm sick of expectations and beaurocracy and general lunacy in this school. i'll be out soon and then no one will care. the average joe can't tell me from a professional, so what does it matter if i'm in this band or the next one to anyone else? eh. time to get to sleep so that i can wake up at bloody seven am to register for classes. g'night.
posted by Unknown at 9:52 PM