it's insanely warm in here. blergh. i forgot how august is always the worst month of the year. and i'm sitting here in a long sleeved blouse stubbornly refusing to acknowledge the heat. well, or at least in terms of dress.

amusingly enough i was attempting to wear my sixty cent jeans for a bit today... i bought them yesterday despite the fact that they don't fit me. at all. point of fact, they're three sizes too big. which makes me appreciate my other jeans which are only one size too big. but so i look like i'm trying to be badass with these things on, and it's hysterical. if i can make some sort of belt for them... well, no, they still won't fit, but if i pull them up too damned high and *then* belt them... i'll look moronic. *grin* ok, then!

i'm thinking i'll just have a ball and do all sorts of really weird things to these pants. i'll sew on friendship bracelets, and write on them in permanent marker, and i'll add on weird bits of fabric... i cannot for the life of me figure out why i get such a kick out of wearing things that look utterly moronic. it's almost as though i say to myself, "well it seems i'm not going to look normal today, so why don't i go as far in the other direction as i can?" hence the weird entirely tie-dyed outfit among other things.

well, so today was a fun day. well, yeah. i have so little to do during the day. well, at least now irc seems to allow me to use it... today i was just at a loss for what to do. well, so i did practice a bit and read a bit. thing is that i still spent about four hours online basically staring at the screen. "should i im nicole? no, that'd be weird--we haven't talked since school. hmm."

i know so many people, it seems, and i think they'd have no problem with talking to me, but somehow i can't seem to bring myself to do it if i haven't talked to them recently. *shrug* so i chickened out of talking to about three school people and did nothing as an alternative. brilliant.

in any case, debi decided that we should do something again today. she was trying to insist that i choose, which is never really a productive thing. i think my preferences are generally to do something that will make the people around me happy, since generally that will please me more than a particular place we could go. i was trying to somehow get her to let some bias slip. i think she sort of did in the end, so that was helpful.

we ended up going to the mall (my choice) for about fifteen minutes and then out for chinese. i remember again now why i don't go to malls. blergh. we stopped in two stores. one was a gaming store that debi just looked around in a bit, the other was a music place (of course). i was almost amused to note that i'm now looking for artists that won't ever be on the shelves. eh. not like i really felt like dishing out fifteen or twenty bucks to drag something home that i could find more easily on long island.

so then we went to dinner, which was good, but darn it, i have nothing to say lately. my issue is that there is nothing of worth going on in my life. i don't know what to say to her. we used to be a lot more talkative... but since she's been in utah i think i haven't had much to say anymore. this means it's been a year or more since i've had anything of value to say to my sister. ech.

well that's not true, i'm sure... it just feels like it. i know it feels like that with kathryn, too. hmm. i wouldn't know about lisa since i never blarghing talk to her anymore. frustration. argh.

in any case, i was thinking earlier about why it can be so weird to write in a journal. i think it's that you're writing something that's about yourself and in this sort of online situation you're potentially showing yourself to other people in just these sentences. i've previously waxed long and talkative about how many selves we have when perceived by all these different people, but then if you put it in writing it's no longer that flexible. it seems like as a person i can get along with almost anyone, but once i have this sort of limitation and absence of flexibility it no longer works.

probably most people who know me would have no interest in reading ninety percent of what's in here because it ends up being on topics i would never actually end up discussing with them. they just wouldn't be interested and it wouldn't come up. here it's not about that. i'm writing what i'm thinking about and if it'd bore others to death then there's little i can do about that. so one asks if i can actually manage to say i'm doing this entirely for myself if i'm contemplating that line of thought.

i think originally i must have been, but perhaps even the concept that it's possible for this to be seen by others forces me into more of a storyteller's position. which maybe ultimately makes this easier for me to read myself, in any case. except i think i'm switching between the two kinds of voices depending on day, topic, mood, etc. so basically it's all screwed up and messy like everything else about my thinking. *grin*

eh. i don't know. i think at this point it's just reassuring to be able to write down something or other every day and try to give it some sort of flow and sense. i never have to write at school. i never seem to be able to write actual stories for recreation. i think honestly that what i'd like most to write recreationally is essays on literature, and heavens knows that's just too weird to contemplate. i just need to take another course instead so that i have motivation and reasoning.

in the meantime, though, this is what i look like without reason. in other words, normal me. :)

argh. it's almost three am and it's baking in here and i'm thinking i should go douse my head in cold water and head off to bed. (insert less-than-funny joke about mental functioning causing overheating here.) i hope tomorrow goes well. then i'll be done. bless. g'night.
posted by Unknown at 2:04 AM