if i don't get out of here soon i'm going to murder my mother. everything i said to her today she immediately classified as me being defiant or argumentative. everything! then consider that her doing such a thing is in and of itself argumentative!! blergh! flames... flames... on the side of my face...

today mom had the day off from work, so we were supposed to get anything accomplished that i needed to do before school. technically speaking there is NOTHING i need to do. nothing. honestly. i told her that in all truthfulness i could leave tomorrow and it would not be an issue. i just don't need that much crap. nor do i want excess junk! but she thinks this can't be a real answer. nooo. so i tell her that some more bras and a new backpack would be helpful. ok. so then she asks me when i was going to take care of this business which obviously i was being irresponsible about. did you HEAR ME before?? i don't *need* it. listen to me, you... GAH!!

so then she asks me where they were on sale, since we noted yesterday that there was a catalogue we got with a sale on backpacks. i have to go run back into the house at this point to try and find it. it's not there. it was on the dining room table last night, but apparently it's been thrown away. this is my fault. she tells me that by not thinking to horde the blammed thing in my room and safeguard it, i'm being irresponsible. it is a bloody ADVERTISEMENT! this is not me being irresponsible. ads have *no value*. gah! i was supposed to bloody anticipate you throwing it out only hours later? also, might i remind you again that i *don't* need it??

anyhow, so she gets huffy, tells me to get in the car, and we drive off. mom has some something or other she wants me to return for her at modell's and asks if they might have backpacks. yeah, decent probability. anyhow, so i tell her that i'm not sure i can return it... (we have a joint account which is supposed to cover me for emergencies and for transportation home. i don't generally use it for other things unless it's pre-approved or she suggests it, because then she'd guilt trip me. (which she did today... and is not valid! she made this comment of "oh, it should work--i'm getting the bill, aren't i?" it's been friggin' *months* since i've bloody used that card! gah! she uses it constantly. NOT ME.) however, she likes to make it into a reason i can go do errands for her. which doesn't always work.) the last time i tried they couldn't do it. she argues with me about this. i tell her that she can't argue with me about it since it is *Fact.* i tried to return something. they wouldn't let me. this is *not* a valid topic for argument. (and *i'm* argumentative??)

i tell her i'll try. she says she'll meet me back in a few minutes. fine. go do what you want.

i go to the store. they have backpacks. point of fact they have the exact backpack i want. this is my high point for the day. whew. they let me exchange the backpack for mom's return, no issues. thank heavens. we leave.

we then go to have lunch with one of mom's friends from where she worked two years ago. i sit there and listen to them talk, mostly. boring, but whatever because the weather is nice and there's a bit of a breeze and we're outside on a park-like bench. would have been nicer if the bench weren't outside a nursing home... that place is just unpleasant. and i've been to other homes, and that one is just exceptionally unpleasant. *shrug*

so after an hour and forty five minutes we leave. mom drops me off at borders and goes swimming. praise all the heavens. i had three and a half hours to myself.

so first i headed up to the music part of the store where i found that as usual no one has anything i want. heck, no one's heard of anything i want. well, i did find one thing in the bargain section: previewed and therefore cheapo copy of two of penderecki's symphonies. yay modern music! that no one's ever heard of! yay utter and complete geekiness. *sigh* well, so later i bought that for only $2.70 after tax. whee! then i moved on to reading.

first i finished off sharon green's stupid book, intrigues: book one of the blending enthroned, which i had started before i left for utah. eh, book is just not that interesting, really. it's just vaguely vapid, really. and i had only maybe thirty pages to go. i move on to dave duncan. the crooked house, the second book of the king's daggers. i liked it. it was cute, amusing. *shrug* not as predictable as it could have been, but not really a masterwork or anything. the characters don't really suit me awfully well, and the plot devices don't really grab me.

moving on, i get to l. e. modesitt jr's the magic of recluse, which i enjoyed the most, but got a hundred and thirty eight pages into before mom came back early. darn her! she said eight, but got there at seven. *sigh* now i have to walk to the closer borders in town and finish that. i liked the protagonist. he wants to leave because he finds life boring. he's highly overprivileged, but unknowingly so, and he rejects it. i like that. dunno why. wish i were like that, perhaps. i am definitely overprivileged, and to some extent unknowing, but i only *wish* i were rejecting all the shmooze that's involved in my life. eh.

as i waited for her to catch up to me (i went downstairs to buy the penderecki and she said she'd be right there. right. immediate. right.) i started reading a book on happiness targeted toward cynics. it made me smile. i felt fabulous. everything just seemed nice, because i decided i wanted it to be. then mom came back and handed me some advertising bookmark and asked me if i'd read the book. from the author of the stupid "moving my cheese" book (or whatever that is). i believe she claimed that it discussed personal responsibility, which is utter bunk, since i have it right here and it tells me that it deals with adapting to change.

i hate my mother. i'm sorry. it isn't... ok, well. urgh. it's just that i can't... urgh. no, i'm sorry, i do hate her. she's manipulative, closed-minded, rude, hateful (i told her this three times today when she was being downright mean, but then she just claimed i was wrong) and sarcastic (and this she constantly tells me is a problem of mine and she doesn't like it.) oh, and she's a hypocrite. sorry. i hate her.

*sigh* the issue is that a lot of the faults that she most despises in me are ones she has in spades herself. so when she's yelling at me about open-mindedness, (here, i'll get you to change your mind by screaming at you??? and you wonder why it doesn't work?) she's honestly just exposing her own lack of openness. when she continually harangues me about being argumentative, i rather think she's bringing her own obstinacy to the forefront quite nicely. *sigh*

i've actually told her in the past i hate her. i keep wondering how serious i am. i keep thinking i'm exaggerating for effect and that i'm just complaining without reason. i realized though, that even if i am exaggerating, it isn't me exaggerating the effect on my life. it's possible that i have nothing to be afraid of anymore, but then if anything it just means i'm more scared than i need be right now. most probably all that indicates is that it was once worse. and i realize that i'm not mistaking my feelings, and that my fear isn't made up, and that when things happen, i cower. a lot. both physically and mentally. it's scary, really. when people hold their hands up to me i never think it's a joke, regardless of the circumstance. i can't remember who did that to me in a joke last semester... i think i scared them when i immediately flinched. i completely anticipated being slapped in the face. which is just sick, i think.

urgh. so i keep having these insane things shoved in my face all day where i'm harassed, mocked and screamed at, but i have no power. i can't do anything. i found myself sitting in the car and just constantly thinking "if i have to get home some other way, i can do it. i can leave. i can catch the bus home and walk because i'm wearing decent shoes." i'm sorry. it's sick. i'm probably over-reacting, but the idea should not be in my head in the first place and it isn't fair. damn, like that means a bloody thing.

the only power i have is my ability to just leave the situation. god bless, it's almost friday, then i'll be gone for good. i'm sorry, but if there's any way possible, then i'm not coming home for thanksgiving and even for winter break if i can manage it. can't do this anymore. just can't.

predictably enough, three of my fingernails are a bit shorter than when i started this post. *rolls eyes* i should try to just not even think about it. oh well.
posted by Unknown at 12:42 AM