damn it all. just want to hit things. and cry. both. a lot. the thing is that i can't even avoid the latter since my eyes are so bloody irritated. i don't want to be me anymore. i'm sick of me. i feel like i'm a poseur and a ditz. maybe it'll get better when i get back to school, but then i still have to get through the next five days to get there.

nothing good happened today. or even if it did, it just makes me want to cry more. which isn't always bad. friday when i left i wanted to cry a bit because i felt i had been lucky and that it was just a beautiful thing. now i just want to cry to numb it all. it looks like i'm just having insane, rapid mood swings. and the fact that i'm having them only makes me more disgusted with myself. and the fact that i get so angry at myself only makes me more dissatisfied with myself. gotta love the vicious circle.

why isn't my mom asleep yet? just having her awake and around bothers me. she has to be up in five hours. i just want to be alone.

i really need to stop reserving my hate and anger for myself. i'm sure i could work out much better people to push it off on.

i'm sick of seeing other people's visions of me and having them be completely irreconcilable with my own. why the heck does everyone seem to think that i should be happy? why do i feel like that as well? as though my misery isn't legitimate enough. i must be happy because other people have better reasons to be upset. tell that to the bloody chemicals floating around my skull. if i can say this isn't my fault, i'll jump at the chance.

not to mention that lately i'm beginning to think that personal responsibility and all that is bunk and i want to throw out the whole concept of life and self and everything else supposedly having meaning. i'm sick of groping at sketchy, blurry parodies of a reality that will never be comprehensible.

i'm sick of being told i'm a good person. i'm a nice person. what the hell else am i? i can't remember. i'm bloody unhappy is what i am.

whenever i'm upset and people are nice to me it just makes me cry more. i can't figure that out. maybe i just feel unworthy. i wish i were at school and i could talk to cara and she'd just give me a hug and let me get this over with. i really miss my friends. i can't deal with this anymore.

i'm sick of my parents. i'm sick of being told what is right to do. i can't stand anything anymore. which is all just because i don't want to be me. and there's no one to talk to about it, and even if there was, i don't want to stick this on anyone. i want it to just fall over and die.

and yesterday mom talked to me about this all. for some ungodly reason i actually told her how i was feeling. she wants to know why i have such poor self-esteem. she asked if she had anything to do with it in a tone indicating that she couldn't possibly believe that she might have somehow been even a slight contributor. and i gave her a straight answer. again. why do i do it? i know that it doesn't help to give her this information. i'll be screwed again later.

well, the fact that you told me for years that i'm too sensitive, my feeling have no reasoning behind them, and i'm just being fussy... the fact that i've been told over and over that i'm a liar... yeah, i'd say that might have had some small effect on my feelings of self-worth.

what the hell did she reply? i can't remember. i wonder if that's on purpose. i seem to do that a lot.

my relationship with my mother is just messed up. whenever we're getting along it's almost like we have to pretend there's no big bad monster in the closet, but nonetheless i feel like it's going to spring out at any moment. only time it's better is if there's company, generally, since she doesn't often fight in front of others who them might think poorly of her. bite me bite me bite me.

see? see me? i'm not a nice person. i'm bitter and angry. and i suppose everyone gets this way at times, but my question is how often?

no, damnit, it isn't me. i was bloody fine for eight and a half out of nine weeks in utah. it's here. it's stress it's my life. i just can't deal with it. just get me through the next five days. nothing is reality anymore. not here. just don't say anymore and let it all pass.
posted by Unknown at 11:57 PM