today was the hardest day at work i've had so far. i was busy nonstop, and i was behind all day. i started the day with two full carts of returns to do, and by the time i had one cart done there was another waiting for me. meanwhile, them more progress it seems you've made, the harder it is to progress further, since what is left increasingly becomes things that you haven't ever seen before and you can't place. in any case, with more returns piling up consistently in the dressing rooms i wasn't done with all of that until the store closed at ten.
before today i was a bit bored at work rather frequently. today i wanted the boredom back, for an hour or so. i still like work, though. just a bit tedious. i like everything. i'm so happy it makes me sick. =Þ
so tonight i'm just relaxing and being brainless in irc, and treasuring the thought that i'm off tomorrow. it's so nice to just stop thinking for a bit.
i'm really in the mood to go take a hike or go down to lake erie, really, but that doesn't work so well when you're in utah.
i was waiting for the bus this afternoon, and i was sitting on the grass under a tree with my walkman on and listening to deep forest. it was so simplistic, but so nice. considering how rural utah is, we certainly don't have much nature. just a bunch of enormous mountains in the background. whoopdee.
i feel like i'm not living enough while i'm here in utah. i'm not sure how much i can do about it, though. anywhere i want to go i have to walk. especially since i'm broke. i can't even eschew life in a meaningful way since i have no books. i can practice, i suppose, but legend complains and i don't even have a music stand, and i have no new music since i can't order any just yet since i have no money. are we sensing a theme? yes, i'm broke. most emphatically so.
i'm thinking tomorrow i'm going to be online again, i'm going to clean up a tad, and i'm going to cook things so that i actually have things to bring to work with me. today's dinner was yogurt, and apple and pieces of wheat bread. not awful, but i'd much rather have something more real. *shrug* not that fifteen minute dinners ever get really inspiring. six hour shifts with one fifteen minute break. argh, and sometimes more like seven hours if the managers get pissy.
i keep waiting to start hating my job. for some reason i just continually remain in a good humour. the simplest things are giving me joy lately. i was so happy to sit on the bus and listen to deep forest as i made my daily half hour commute. i walked around a bit before work with my headphones still on and just felt like everything was enjoyable, everything was an adventure. all pressures have been lifted from my shoulders.
i wonder if maybe it's at all related to my new path in life. my decision to drop my ed major means a huge drop in stress for me. i should be able to lead a somewhat normal life next semester. amazing. considering the habits i've gotten into, it should be worthwhile, too. i'll spend extra time with hallmates and maybe cooking or drawing or practicing some more--whoo! which is a far cry from what most college students seem to be doing with their spare time. largely the time abuser seems to be starcraft.
i think at this point no matter how bored i get i don't turn to video games or tv. granted the web is sufficiently awful as a time waster, but i think somehow it has to be more productive than at least tv. at least it's somewhat interactive. video games have some positive sides, i suppose. theoretically hand-eye coordination, and in some cases logic can be of use. i still think i prefer what i'm doing now. well obviously, or i wouldn't be doing it. but no, i mean in terms of practically looking at it, too. yes, it's a total time sink, but what i'm doing is talking to people and reading people's thoughts and ideas. granted one can't know how genuine all of this is, but still it strikes me that i must be seeing something of worth.
in the end, what i find most valuable spending time on is people, and what we create. i'm so appallingly social that way. but at the same time i'm not, since to some extent i'm almost studying humans as if i have a microscope which i'm looking through. half the time you can't shut me up, but half the time i'm just sitting there, watching. i sound psychotic. go me.
really, though... when i have nothing to add to a conversation, and i don't have any experience at all, i still sit there rapt in attention. today roup and la chile were going on about first prostitution, then drugs in irc, and i had absolutely nothing to add. i sat there and just watched, fascinated. i'm just a sinkhole. a pit. a black hole. i just absorb information. no matter how pointless. i can't say why i'm so interested, it makes no sense to me. maybe just the sort of concept of seeing how the other half lives.
most of us have quite narrow points of reference. i grew up in one state all my life. one town for most of my life. i have no foothold into the notions of so many other people's ground states. i don't want to change myself, but i still want to be able to understand, so i listen. a lot. everyone is different from me, so i can learn from everyone. and i do. i guess that makes rather more sense than i thought it did.
i suppose i also listen to see what people say that makes sense to me. to see what other people have in common, to see what people can understand of themselves, myself, other people, the world, and life in general. there is an incredible amount of learning that you can get from other people, and i think that's the sort of learning i like best.
obviously to some extent what you're learning always comes from another person, but i like the really direct version of this. also the common man doesn't give himself airs and act as though you should be learning from him, which makes things all the more pleasant. you just stay off to the side and observe and learn, but you don't get condescended to or ridiculed.
arguments are probably the best way to get inside someone's head, and i think that's probably one of the only valid uses of arguments. i've been observing so many of them lately, and i think that there's an enormous problems with arguing.
generally if you care enough to argue a point you already believe it. if you really believe it, then generally it's for a reason. this means that most arguments can't ever be resolved because there is some fundamental point somewhere in the argument where both people just *cannot* see the other view as valid. i don't even think this is necessarily bad, but i think that the idea behind arguing should not be to try to bring your opponent over to your way of thinking. i think it can be profitable for others since they can hear new ideas and decide their own ideologies, but if you already believe something, then any change will be your own.
basically arguments are most profitable if you expect to grow in your own thinking, and possibly help others find new thoughts, but the idea of winning an argument strikes me as bogus for the most part. or at least it is with any sufficiently unknowable or debatable matter.
that said, i love arguments, because it's a great mental exercise, and i like to see how other people's minds work, as i said before. my only issue is people who take everything too seriously and can't deal with people finding their point of view distasteful. i really think the whole world could do a lot better if everyone learned to laugh at themselves. after all, it's a wonderful source of amusement. especially if you're as big a fool as i am.
it's four twenty am. i'm up too late. my hair feels spiffy. my thoughts are disjointed, and i'm heading off. g'night.
posted by Unknown at 3:25 AM