there's nothing quite like drinking limitless water after two hours of thirstiness... eating a healthy dinner after several hours of hunger...i'm apparently not taking the best care of myself today, but now i suppose i'm quite appreciating my ability to actually do so. some of the best things in life happen under our noses while we aren't looking. my life is excellent at this point. i just wish legend would stop licking my shorts. freak job puppy. some day that dog will stay away from me while i'm holding the largest knife in the house... nah. i'm just not threatening, even with a knife the size of my forearm.
oh dear. do not write entries while having dinner. i just dropped a bean on the keyboard. not to mention that dinner at twelve thirty am is unreasonable in any case. school hours worked so well... sleep at three or so, awake at ten or eleven. except i really need nine hours. now i'm getting nine hours--sleep at two thirty, awake noonish. i hate it. i wish i were less of a night owl. actually, i just want to be up at all times. practical of me. argh.
well, so my major accomplishment of the day was laundry. took me over two hours, i believe, with walking and laundering time. argh. it's not that bad, but that was for only two loads of laundry. not even generous loads, either. i should have taken more. but i could hardly carry it as it was. why are clothes so heavy?? i want to know who lined my pockets with lead while i wasn't looking.
anyhow, with me being who i am, i used the laundry adventure as yet another way to show my ditziness. after i washed my clothes i went to put them into a dryer. "ooh, this looks like a big one. i can prolly get both loads in here." i can't seem to figure out how much it costs. i decide that it's prolly just more time for more quarters. i stick in two fifty in quarters. i can't start the machine yet. hum. i look at the machine again. that's not a dryer. it's an industrial size washer. i'm a complete moron.
well, it worked out all right because the guy who ran the laundry was really nice (even though i couldn't understand more than any three consecutive words he said) and let me use a dryer without paying more. it prolly wouldn't have cost two fifty, but at least i didn't look all that stupid and i didn't waste more money. he said that if i could get someone to use the washer i used, then he'd try to get me a refund, but i figured i was so stupid i didn't deserve the money, plus who uses that size washer? it was larger than the ones labeled "triple load."
i always evaluate myself that way. "i'm too (stupid, lazy, irresponsible...) to deserve pity." i really stab myself in the foot that way. i actually decided i didn't deserve to pass a class two semesters ago, and so i retook the course, rather than making up the final i managed to completely miss to get out of an incomplete. it was so stupid of me. i'm just too hard on myself. that was the semester when i had my insanely depressed roommate and i was just all over the place. i was literally the top student in the class up until that point, and i dropped a guaranteed A because i felt unworthy. sometimes i think i just need my head checked out. my prof had said that he had no problem with it, too. it's insane how stupid that was. *sigh*
i think i'm getting better. my self image has gotten so much better already... but then i see things i'm still doing and i just question how bad it must have been to begin with. i've promised myself that if i ever have children i am going to be damned well sure that i never make them feel the way i have. so many obstacles in my early life, i think. i'm amazed i've gotten this far when i think about it, but i ignore it when i'm evaluating my life and just assume i'm not up to standard. stupid. even without that sort of consideration i'm not exactly below the mean. i'm doing the best out of my family, i think, because i'm going to get out of school in four years with a degree.
i don't think even my father managed that. i could say that debs and dad went to better schools, but i've been working as hard, and i'm not in a real academic subject. a music major at columbia would have been easier for me. probably more enjoyable, too. wait, no! i'd have to visit the family every weekend or so. i take it back!!! ima would prolly even want me to live with her. i'd shoot myself.
mom always says i shouldn't compare. really, though? you have to have some sort of idea of what your peers are doing so that you know what level you're supposed to be at. comparing myself to my family may be detrimental, but no comparisons whatsoever? who can honestly manage that? the mind doesn't work that way.
at any rate, debi used to push it on me in the first place. she was obnoxious at times when we were younger. i'll never forget getting an A in my eighth grade french class and having her tell me, "i *never* got anything lower than an A+ in *all* my years of french." umm... debs? bite me. yeah.
we're all fallible, though. i know i've been in moods where i've been too reckless of other's feelings. i feel awful afterwards, and in recent times i've been strong enough to apologize. i'm really proud of that. i don't think anyone likes admitting they did something stupid or wrong, but i think i can do it.
i feel like i've grown a lot since i've been at college. i wonder if my other friends can see it. i feel like i don't see any of them enough that they'd be able to tell. haven't seen jenna since new year's.... probably won't see her again until thanksgiving if then. kathryn i see only in the summer, and this year my time with her was quite short. lisa i haven't seen since spring break, and that was only for a day and a half. these are my best friends who aren't from school. is it going to be like this with school friends when we all get out? i really hope not. probably it will, though.
i think that it's amazing how much i love my friends, and how little effort i put out to stay in touch with them. i don't know... i'm not all that good at communication, really. amazing for someone who talks as much as i do. the thing is that with communication through means other than face to face conversation, i feel that it takes a lot out of me. i find email and phone conversations extremely difficult with friends i'd rather see and talk to directly. i can't even figure out why it's so hard, but i know i feel the strain of it acutely.
the only people i don't find this problematic with are people whom i haven't met. i wonder if maybe it's because i'm not talking about too many serious issues with them. or maybe because if miscommunication occurs, i don't feel it's as critical since i don't know them as well. all i know is that when i'm speaking with jenna over im, i feel like there's room for mistake or condemnation, and i never feel like that when i'm with her.
there's so much missing when you don't have personal contact. it's going to be like that for every single one of my friends when i get out of school. oh my word. this is why i feel like people on the board aren't real friends yet. i'm missing enormous parts of who they are. when i spoke to genarti on the phone, i realized my previous impressions of her were rather a bit off. she's a lot more quiet than i was expecting. i think i show up mostly the same, but then i know that's not quite true, either, as i know that a genuine personality is hindered by lack of all expression.
well, that's not true. there is inflection in typing, but it's quite hard to tell if what you're writing is what others are reading (yes, that's true in speech, too, but i think less so.) plus there isn't much other than emphasis that you can convey. well, that and you have to hope you're talking to people who can pick up on sarcasm.
you know, usually sarcasm really does mean the opposite of your statement, but i've seen it used lately and it occurs to me that when one is bitter and uses sarcasm, it seems like there's a deeper feeling. there's a grain of truth to the seemingly denied statement. i was told once that sarcasm is a sign of anger, but i think it only is when used that particular way. usually my sarcasm is about events that couldn't really be resented anyhow. i use emotionless sarcasm as a tool of humour, not to let out any feeling. i'm not that convoluted. ooh, that's a lie, isnt' it?
in any case, my proclaiming "oh, because i do so love being up at eight am for written theory" certainly doesn't seem like any sort of anger or attack. if sarcasm were a sign of anger, then i'd be living in an angry society with furious friends. i think not. i think maybe there's a difference between positive and negative sarcasm.
if you make a neutral statement and use sarcasm to imply the opposite, then you're voicing a gripe. the original statement isn't harmful, and is just silly. yes, i *do* love written theory. rapturously. can we get up earlier? please?
on the other hand, i've seen negative statements used.... "well that was obviously well-planned." if you're being self deprecating, then i could excuse this, but i'd like to think i'd never say it to someone. it is an insult. after you come out with things like that saying you're joking doesn't help. heh, a lyric pops into my head again, predictably. "can't shake the devil's hand and say you're only kidding."
we could do with a lot less thoughtlessness and anger. i'm specifically upset about behaviour that one person on the board has exhibited lately. ok, so you're in a bad spot and you're depressed. deliberately exposing yourself to numerous others when you are angry (and today, after you had something to drink) is not acceptable. even if it was productive for him, it left at least six people with bad feelings over the past two days.
if you're angry then the place to be is not around innocent bystanders. when i know i can't control myself (this doesn't happen too often. around my mother is about the size of it.) i *leave.* anger solves nothing. if you want to throw anger, insults and abuse around, then go do it in your own head, or write it down. if you speak in anger, you will regret it if you ever learn to see.
i have a lot of standards. i don't think it's a bad thing, though. i almost live up to my own. *grin* i have a lot of respect for a lot of people, despite the fact that i do have things i say are unacceptable. i probably do those things on occasion myself. does that make me a hypocrite? no, it makes me a thoughtless fool, at times. it makes me regret my actions, certainly. i can forgive myself for these things, and i acknowledge that we all are fallible. so i must forgive everyone. if i could do it..
well, i'm doing all right, i think. i really don't think i make many snap judgments. it would be hard for me to do that considering how much i think about anything that matters at all to me.
i forgive everyone eventually, just give me some time off. i'm hoping i can avoid seeing this particular bruncher for a couple days, because i can't help him and he's slowly driving me mad. he's insulting of late, and he's doing things that make my head ache and my stomach roil.
it's so hard to deal with depression. i've learned a lot about it. i found it quite amusing at the time, since it was a checklist for me. *shrug* but i'm not really depressed. or not much at all, if anything. the thing is that i know that this guy is, and even if some of the things he's saying aren't true, the fact that he's saying them is a cry for help.
i cannot fix this. not on the bloody internet. at the same time, after some of the things he says, my immediate reaction (built in from classes) is that i can not leave him alone if he's feeling this way. the fact that i'm across the bloody country means i'm already automatically leaving him alone. i'm not equipped to deal with the situation, and i can't trust that he actually wants to deal with it himself, yet i'm inexorably dragged in since he claims to want me to listen.
you want to drive me mad?? i couldn't devise a better way myself!
if i were there, i know i could help. i've been in the sort of situation before without the learning i have now, and i was up to the task then. argh. driving me bonkers. i can't deal with it.
these sort of things make me feel like i could be a good teacher, actually. i just don't think i should be teaching music at any rate. every time we discussed teaching in my music ed courses i would see myself teaching in an english class when i considered implementing methods. oi. i think i can teach. i think i'd be a good teacher, since i have so much empathy. other people have said so, too.
i just don't know. there are a lot of strengths i have that would go well with the profession. i just think my huge weakness of lack of self confidence may undermine it all. if i can get over that, then i'll have nothing to worry about. if i could get over that, then i'd really be a fairly admirable person. i'm pretty straight in my head if i discount that minor detail that takes over all aspects of my being. =Þ
i'm so worried that i'm too self-absorbed. it's funny. i read through what i have just written, and i think i'm using "i" too much. bad writing. :) it's a bloody personal journal, how do you avoid it being about yourself?
i wonder if i really am self-centered. well, we all are to some extent, but i wonder if it's more so than most. i think maybe, but not out of ego. i think maybe because i'm so worried about what's wrong with me.
mom always said i was giving, and she never said i was self-centered. i wonder if that's only by comparison with debi, though. it's funny how much stock i put in my mother's opinions. only the old ones, though. now when she says things i know when she's being ridiculous, but i think i accepted her ideas blindly when i was younger, and at this point i have yet to re-evaluate them.
this is why i hate truth. for me, what she said is truth, because i accepted it blindly, but really it can't be. considering how often mom is just irrational i can't afford to assume that anything she ever said must have been right.
her latest edict of stupidity is that because debi has diabetes, she must completely avoid all carbohydrates. that isn't logic. it's unhealthy. why does she insist on this so firmly as if she has real knowledge of the situation? she has no medical knowledge. i've always believed mom because she presents herself as having so much authority, but really these ideas of hers seem baseless to me now.
i think with some frequency that i wish i could go back in time and grow up all over again, but this time using my current knowledge, thoughts, mindset, etc. well, i'd do excellently well in school, but more to the point, it would make a real difference in basic thought patterns. so many important things slip by without any notice because you don't realize their true meaning. if i had any chance to argue what i was told i was from the age of six or seven, rather than blindly accept....
i feel as though it's too hard for me to undo the damage myself at this point. i'm relatively whole, but i think my foundation is still creaking a bit. maybe it'll eventually crumble leaving what was above it as a replacement. interesting extension of analogy.
i hate extensions of analogy, though. they escape logic. like when people say "life is like a box of chocolate," and then go on to say things like "and i want to eat the creme center first!" analogies are dangerous because they aren't truth. or anything close. it's just another tool people use without considering meaning. yes, i'm back here again. people don't think. darn it all, a little forethought would prevent most of life's problems.
well, i'm right there with everyone else, speeding ahead too quickly. the whole country is obsessed with fast paced life and moving forward speedily. this is something my mom advocated highly. "action!" she says. i'm with dad. he's more in favour of considering consequence before acting. maybe this means he doesn't take action at all at some points, but i think that's preferable to doing stupid things, as i feel my mother is wont to do.
so anyhow, all i need now is to get out of the rush hour traffic. i'm swearing off long island and its attitudes, and i'm going to settle somewhere more calm. i'll think all i want and i'll be considerate, and i'll get along just bloody fine with my own ideas. mom can just step back and let me live my life, because at this point i'm competent enough to handle myself, thank you. if she actually holds with that, then i expect relations will improve drastically. :) on va voir. yes, well i've rambled more than i thought possible. goes to show that i *shouldn't* get an early start--it's dangerous. =Þ good night.
posted by Unknown at 1:29 AM