so i got relatively little sleep because the carpet guy got here at nine thirty, and i got a call from the landlord at quarter of nine to warn me about it. i stared at the clock irritably, in disbelief for about ten minutes, then showered and got on with my lack of life. i even managed to look awake and quasi chipper by the time the carpet man showed up.

anyhow, carpet man was really nice, and i had a grand old time feeling awkward as i watched him disembowel our living room. he pulled up the whole carpet, then got rid of all the padding. there were still puddles on the floor underneath the padding, and the padding itself was sopping and dripping all over the place. he ended up taking it and shoving it out the window, to my amusement. better plan than dripping it all up the stairs, though.

in any case, the upshot of this is that i now have a fan blowing underneath the carpet, and it'll be here until wednesday. oh, and it's loud. this means my carpet is billowing up a foot or so high, and is waving around a lot. it's psychedelic, really. i keep seeing it move out of the corner of my eye. which is frightening. inordinately scary, actually. especially since i'm tired. makes me feel sort of dizzy to see it, actually.

anyhow, so the carpet should dry eventually, but in the meantime i'm stuck listening to this insanely loud fan for three days. every single thought leads to, "and i want to be back at school again." this one by way of, "i wish i didn't have to deal with this. i don't have to deal with any of these stupidities at school..." flargh. i'm just pathetic.

ooh, speaking of pathetic.... (this segue works in my head because it is yet one more illustration of how the only social life i have is online.) we have a date for the brunchmeet in august, and it's suggested we all meet in ithaca. these things couldn't have worked out more perfectly if i tried! now i can just catch a bus up to ithaca and not worry about exactly how i'm getting to cayuga lake. *grin* and i'm going to get up there no matter what. even though i haven't said anything to mom yet. *sigh*

i just really don't want any confrontation. i'm thinking i'll just tell her i'm visiting a friend, and i won't ask her for transport or anything so that she can't really say much to me. i can walk to the train station, no problem, since i'll only need to take my backpack with a change of clothes with me. i am determined--i *will* make it. plus two days away won't really hurt my schedule. most of what i need to pack for college i never unpacked in the first place.

it's so odd to consider just doing as i please. because i'm getting to that point now. next year i should be on my own, and not answerable to anyone. wow, is that appealing. i think that's actually one of the things i most treasure about college, and at least that will still hold up after this year. unfortunately the other things about school, like learning, meeting people, living with friends... those will be harder to maintain. effort? i'm supposed to make an effort to meet people? ha! i'll stick with online social life, then, thanks.

i'm beginning to wonder if maybe i could convince lisa to split an apartment with me next year. she's already graduated, but she's not out on her own yet, i don't think... she and i get along so well... i just keep hoping i'll find something that will make everything just seem feasible all of a sudden. as it is, i feel like "yeah, bloody right, sure that'll work."

i wonder if i'll really take advantage of life when i'm on my own. i don't know that i am enough at school, and certainly not here... i feel as though my school is somehow disappointing me now. we have fun things on occasion, true, but the whole feel of the school at times, especially the music building, reminds a lot of people of high school. i hear about what other people have at their schools and i'm so envious. jenna gets her cultural events and festivals, and we have "shackathon."

all the other schools i've seen just seem more like a college than fredonia. the thing is that i really wanted to transfer freshman year. i hated it so much so many times. but i just kept going for some reason. i do that a lot. i assume that i should just get through any problems and not do anything about them. i don't know where else i would have gone at that point, but it leaves me wondering eternally if i haven't screwed up my whole college experience with the wrong choices. wrong school, wrong major... yikes.

i wish i could have had the same sort of experience debi had. she loved williams. so much. heck, i loved williams. i love being at school, but i think i don't like that actual college. i've made some good friends, and i've learned some. notably only in music, as the rest of the programs on campus are fairly pitiful for the most part, and don't seem to cover more than what i did in high school or even middle school until you get into the course work for the major. bleh. i almost feel like what i've done is an incredible salvage job on some unappealing situation.

i keep wishing i knew what it was like to be in other people's shoes. i want to know what it's like to have gone to bard instead. what is life like for kathryn in miami? (well, that one i could skip, if only for the threat of heat exhaustion) i just have these sneaking suspicions that things really oughtn't to measure up, but i've been making up for it well.

i think another thing is that i'm quite disappointed of late that i haven't seen any concerts (other than about fifty classical ones in the past three years) since i've been at school. most people see *more* concerts when they get to college. not me. last concert i saw was U2 pop tour. when was that? three years ago, i think. senior year in high school, as i recall. bleh. i enjoyed the concert... i just envy all my other friends who seem to be getting out a heck of a lot more than i am.

i feel like my life is supernormally boring. i'm still enjoying it, but i feel like if someone else were evaluating it they would decide it was subpar. this is a stupid way for me to look at things, since i shouldn't care about other people's evaluations. inevitably i believe i shouldn't cave in to society or peers, but i do to some extent. bad me. well, i don't do what they want me to do, but i think poorly of myself because of that. which is stupid. because i should be happy to defy society considering i think those standards are useless, petty and pathetic, by and large.

one notes that one has been using certain phrases over and over of late. included among them are "by and large," "whatnot" and "of late," actually. plus i've been using the "one feels that" sort of phrase quite often. there are more, too. i think my speech is continually evolving to remain as stilted and bizarre as it possibly can as long as possible. a day will come... just one day... where the whole day i will speak, act and dress like a normal human being, and the whole cosmos will come crashing down obliterating life as we know it. until then, one feels that one's bizarrities give one much character. *nodnod* umm... yeah, character.

anyhow, i'm thinking i should try to make up for my loss of sleep from yesterday. early morning carpeting escapades aren't good for my beauty sleep. =Þ g'night.
posted by Unknown at 12:42 AM