it's hard to try and write anything in here because my sister is asleep on the floor behind me and rob will be back any minute to sit somewhere behind me and read. there are a lot of things that i'd rather be alone while doing, and this is definitely one of them.
debi was in such bad shape today. she got her wisdom teeth out and she was miserable almost all day. i can't stand just looking at her suffering and not having any recourse. basically all i did to help was talk to her, get her iced drinks, and make her dinner. i can't even deal with keeping company with her well, since she has been in so much pain that she repeatedly just started crying hysterically. this left me standing over her, staring blankly, helpless.
she seems to be feeling better now. i'm hoping she heals quickly. of course i won't really be seeing her much tomorrow since i'll be working, so it's a good thing she has rob to keep her company. bless him, he's really good to her, and right now she's miserable, so she really needs it. i was thinking about how i'd deal with it if or when i have to get my wisdom teeth out. by and large i'm just hoping to avoid it.
i think that if i end up with these sorts of problems i wouldn't so much want someone there to care for me. or well, not that, quite, i mean i'm sure it would be nice, but i wouldn't entirely be comfortable with it. i'm very focused on being self-sufficient, and i always value independence above all. i think i'd never be able to completely give up on helping myself--i'd be struggling out of bed and getting things for myself no matter how crappy i felt
the last time i ever really had someone wait on me the way i did for debi today was in the ninth grade when i got the flu. for half a day or so i really just couldn't get up, so my mom brought me juice and things like that. i think that might sum up how much i've ever gotten waited on.
today was fairly boring in terms of events, but good in terms of conversations, i think. i had another conversation with my friend, adam, about careers, etc. i'm so worried about it now that i'm thinking i'll be on my own in a year. i keep picking at this same point, but this is where my life is headed, so it's slightly important to me.
anyhow, i was talking with adam about all the certifications he's taking and whatnot when he asked me what i was going to do with school and whatnot. i've talked to him more this summer than most people from my school. i haven't even known him that long, but he's such a good person that it doesn't seem to make that much of a difference.
anyhow, i told him about my plans to drop the education degree so that i can get out next year. i think he was a bit shocked, but he joked about it as always. "no, you can't do that." "why not?" "you can't leave before me." he says i have to come visit a lot. :) don't i want to? i'm really going to miss school.
in any case, i told him i wanted to get out of school with my bachelor's in music and then do something pretty much unrelated. damn me, i sound stupid. i told him that i wanted to do something related to audio editing or whatnot, and i asked him if i was out of my mind and totally being unrealistic. his answer was really reassuring. i'm hoping he's right.
adam said, "ok, i assume people getting into it have the technical skills...you know what? you can teach a monkey to do that...but to notice the music and have a feel for how it should be...and knowing why...being able to explain it to someone (like me) is a rare quality in that field...you know music...and you know it well...theory and all. you have an advantage over them. especially if you have a real interest in it..some people do this cuz they can't do something else. i know you are a perfectionist.... and your ear is trained... i only see why you'd be good at it."
what a response. i felt so much better about it all after that. i'll need training and all, but talking with rob... he seems to be quite competent and he hasn't gotten his bachelor's in computers yet. he's going to go back and do it now. if he can do it, then i can't see why i can't. it'll take me a while to get to where i really want to be, but i'll be ever so happy to learn in any case.
of course after that discussion, adam was telling me about how much money he's dished out getting his certifications. one thousand two hundred and thirty five dollars is what it added up to. although he said that he gets reimbursed by his employers since it's job training and counts as a write off for them. still, he's going to be taking three exams in the next month and a half, and it certainly seems to be a lot of effort. no, i'm not going to worry about that. i've already proved that i'll put in the work if i really want the end result.
i don't think i have particularly good discipline or what have you, but i do put in the work a surprising amount of the time considering how lazy i think i am. i can't figure out why. i think it's still external stimuli. i refuse to fail because of what others will think if i do. not the best approach, but give me a while and i'll work on a new one.
i've never been more sure in my life that i'm getting to be a better person over time. i'm sure i'll have setbacks or whatnot, but i think i can see an amazing improvement in so many aspects of myself over the last three years. this point in time is especially amazing to me, as i'm beginning to really feel positively about myself and life in general.
i've always felt as though i wasn't quite good enough, or smart enough, or talented enough. now i'm beginning to see that while i certainly have limitations, and certainly i'm not the best at anything, that doesn't mean that i'm invalid.
cara had a poster up in our room. "the forest would be awfully quiet if no birds sang but the best." not exactly those words, but close. so maybe there are better flutists than me, should i not be proud of my accomplishments? ok, so i'm not fluent in french, does that mean my seven years of learning were wasted? i'm not the next mahler, but i still like what i compose. other people do, too.
if someone enjoys a performance of mine, a composition of mine, even my company, then am i not a worthwhile person? to look for only the most perfect enjoyments for satisfaction would be insane and a waste of the joys of life. granted i can't provide the best philosophical arguments, but if anyone learns anything from me, then my time is not wasted. one doesn't wait for the most complete miseries in order to be down cast, so any joy that you can bring has to be equally valid. i don't have any completely and utterly base flaws, but i can still be highly critical of myself. i don't have any completely and utterly perfect strengths, but why should i not still value them as an uplifting part of myself?
some day all of this is going to come crashing in on my head, and i'll finally understand and i'll become a complete egotist. nah, i just don't think i could manage that. society trains us too well for those sorts of things. i think, though, that i am slowly coming to grips with who i am, and i'm getting to the point where i'm happy about it. i've always had respect for myself hidden somewhere under all the self-flagellation, and i'm beginning to see it and to be able to rationalize why. there are a lot of positive things about me, and it isn't all about mental whatever, which is what i've always used in the past as an attempt to bolster my self esteem.
i think the best things about me are unrelated to intelligence. here, let's be completely immodest and actually write them down. then, too, i can laugh at myself later.
i have a lot of morals and high standards which i usually meet. i'm honest to the point where i can't lie if it's for my benefit, even if i try. i love people and i let them know. i have a lot of empathy and i have no qualms about listening to people and helping them. i have patience and when i know i'm reaching my limits i generally manage to walk away and not have the results of my nerves foisted off on others. i have very little in the way of temper. i'm quite good at laughing, and i'm humble enough that i laugh at myself quite often. i'm considerate of others. basically i will give of myself as much as possible to help others because i'm not a selfish person. perhaps self-centered, but not narcissistic or self-absorbed, i think.
i think that i have a fairly good soul. my mind is decent, although i never really feel i measure up. my body can just go all to heck. really though, if i wanted anything to measure up, it's what i've got. now i can be all filled with hubris and muck the whole thing up. =Þ
so now that i've gotten all odd and stopped beating myself, we can all belittle me for thinking i'm okay, and then i can get on with my life as usual. *grin* don't let me get in too good a mood, i might actually decide i'm a worthwhile human being. well, so i think i'll attempt to go off in a good humour and quit now. g'night.
posted by Unknown at 2:47 AM