interesting day today. i'd say it was a bad day, but somehow that doesn't really seem to mean much to me of late. yes, technically individual events were less than pleasant, but it has no impact on the day as a whole.

started out early today for some reason. got a call which i didn't answer, but heard, then spent all day pretending i didn't hear. they asked if i could come in early to work today. to work with robin, my not-so-chipper boss, and others doing layout. umm. no. thank you, but no.

in a way it's awful of me to turn these things down, because i should jump at the chance for more hours and therefore more money, but i'm a bit scared of robin, actually, plus seeing as i haven't received any money after almost four weeks of work my mental correlation between this job and getting paid is not yet established. i still just look at it as an annoying obligation.

anyhow, instead of going in early i spent time online and talked to people. ooh, surprise. unfortunately quite bad news for my best friend. she just found out her mother has cancer. i have no idea what i think of it. i think i'm mentally or emotionally ignoring it, still. jenna says that they caught it so early that it shouldn't be a big problem... i don't know. i hope it works out that way, but really, cancer seems like one of those diseases that is just capable of anything. something we have no control over. they always make predictions of what will happen, but i think from what i've seen they're wrong with an alarming frequency. i hope jenna's family gets through this all right. i wish i could go see her.

it just seems like there's a lot of misfortune on all sides of me lately. a disproportional amount, i'd think. it makes me vaguely concerned, but i'm not upset at all. well, i'm not thrilled because i feel like i'm not doing a good enough job at being there for people, but that's mostly situational, and unavoidable. i'm beginning to conclude that it just feels like my life is on hold while i'm over here in utah. not too surprising since i repeatedly claim there is no life in utah. this makes me wonder though, if i'm not upset only because i've just been numb for the past month and a half. i don't think so, though, because i've been definitely happy, not just feeling nothing. hmm.

i've noticed of late that frequently people feel alone, and as though what they're thinking is unusual or freakish, while i find that i've undergone the same feelings they felt were unusual. random people, too. one found it simultaneously intriguing and frightening to read spinn of spinnwebe relating his feelings of inadequacy and immediately recognizing one's own thoughts. i used to say exactly what he said. yes, i'm good at such and such, but i'm not the best. i'm not good at everything. even what i'm good at i feel inferior at. it's so true. and yet i now know that it's fairly well invalid. who could say that spinn's page is perfect? on the other hand, how many people do i know who have enjoyed immensely, even if not on a regular basis? who could say that any page is perfect, anyhow? why even try to measure things in these terms?

anyhow, lately i continually feel like i'm stupid, and so i try to regain my optimism. it doesn't seem to work so well here, though. it used to be that the only thing i was confident of was my intelligence. i think that was because it was constantly being measured and tested and compared. schooling does that way too much. and if i'm good at anything, it's tests. that's just not a terribly good or accurate measuring tool, though. more and more i find that i'm just naive and stupid, and my thoughts are plodding and pedestrian, and i'm completely lacking in originality. somehow all the more ironic since people have always told me i'm so original.

i can't decide if it's the company i keep, or new expectations, or if i'm actually getting stupider, or if i was never that brilliant to begin with. somehow it isn't bothering me all that much, but i'm just not happy that i can't measure up to people i'm associating with. lately i look at what other people say, and i think, "yes, i agree with that," or "wow, that was quite good writing," but i think i'd have been unable to come up with these things myself. the thing is that i almost feel i could... but that i have no reason to say anything, or if i do, it doesn't come across as what i thought it would. today i was debating it with myself during my bus ride to work. am i actually capable of thinking on that level, or is my lack of coherent anything just because i can't be cohesive and comprehensible? and if i'm incomprehensible, then either i'm on a whole different plane of thought, or i'm stupid. which is it?

i've always felt that being stupid would almost be more advantageous. well, that isn't valid here, though, since half the reason i claim stupidity is a good thing is that smart people are too depressive. (i think i was just about the broodiest third grader you ever encountered.) unless my recent continuous good mood is actually reflective of my increased stupidity, in which case, BOFFO! now i'll be dumb and ecstatic forever.

when i was younger, my entire identity was wrapped up in intelligence. any confidence i had was from my peers good opinions of myself. i think i've progressed at least a bit since then, and thank heavens, since i never get the same sort of approbation now that i used to. i think if i hadn't been respected for intelligence throughout my schooling i would be a complete basket case, actually, since i was picked on more than just about anyone else i knew of from first grade through eighth. although one wonders if being a good student doesn't target you for more abuse.

funny how i remember school and it's always got a positive slant. i know rationally that it just point blank sucked. it was awful. especially middle school. my reaction to the suckiness of middle school is that i hardly remember or think of it at all. there's some sort of block in my brain where i can't remember things that are bad. yeah, i'm just that weird. well, not to say that all of it was bad. and after summer of eighth grade i went to a music camp, and my whole life changed. first time i ever met multiple people who really liked me. without any seeming reason. gave me the confidence i needed to start anew in high school.

now almost everyone i meet finds me amicable. why? i'm still not sure. although one must grant that it takes more than just first impression. i'm awful at first impression. the last one i think of is now infamous, and lisa used to tease me mercilessly for it.

the first time i met one of jenna's friends, matt, within about twenty minutes of meeting him i hit him over the head with a paperback. i can't even remember what he said that provoked that reaction, but he was pretty pissed afterwards. one is assured that later on we progressed, but i still don't think the two of us ever really quite got along to the extent that i would wish. i somehow always feel that i'm just too annoying for most people to genuinely want to have around, and i'm continually baffled when people don't seem to object to my presence.

to be fair, i'm not always annoying, but i think with most of the people i meet now i find myself dominating the conversation and wishing i wasn't. maybe that's why jenna's such a good friend. she and i always have things to say to each other. when we first started talking on the phone after summer camp i remember how i had to consciously try and get a good trade off of when to listen and when to speak, since we both had a continual flood waiting to be unleashed. even then, though, i felt that what i had to say was never as interesting. i just find myself to be one of the most boring people possible, is what it is, i think.

i wish i were more clever, more funny, more articulate.... it just always seems to me that i can master thoughts and concepts and philosophies effortlessly, but i can never explain them well, i'm never amusing, and despite understanding, i never create my own ideas. is that true? i never create my own ideas? argh. i'm so desperately afraid that it is. i think that's what really bothers me and really makes me nervous.

i just feel as though what i'm thinking isn't my own half the time. i really set myself up well for this, actually, by practically hero-worshipping debi at an early age and basically wanting to be her. i think i do have unique aspects to myself, but they all seem to be other than mental. originality in thinking seems to be something i lack. argh. i want to say it's not true, but i fear it is. this is why i feel so stupid next to all these other brilliant creators. damn. and yet i don't think it's that i couldn't do it.

i was thinking today about tone deafness, and about how it would be possible to just not know that you were singing in complete dissonance. i can't really grasp that concept, but now i'm thinking it applies here. i never feel that what i'm thinking is just regurgitated or defective, but it seems it is. i just can't tell from this side of the fence.

argh. i need to borrow a new brain for a few days so that i can get out of this frame of reference which blinds me and see... no, not the truth. there is no truth. see something other than myself. that's all i see now. my self reflected onto the world. it's blinding. argh. i need less me and more of everything else. not that i'm likely to get that stuck alone in this basement for hours on end. aaiee.

well, i guess that's it for now, and i'll go and get myself a good night's sleep so that i can continue my meaningless existence in a more cheerful mood. g'night.
posted by Unknown at 2:28 AM