i'm way too competent to work at k mart. yes. today i got ladies', theoretically the busiest department, and i finished early. i spent the last hour helping out in another department. i'm just trying too hard, but i'm afraid that it doesn't show. i'm so paranoid because everyone says our boss is rather umm. bitchy, i guess is what you'd say.
well, not really what i'd say. i dislike that word. although not as much as the infamous neil brideau... he had a whole tirade in our school paper about how degrading the word was. personally i don't feel as strongly about it as he does, but i can definitely see how it's offensive, since it's the only curse word that's automatically targeted. can't really call men bitches. *shrug* better off leaving them all alone, i'd think. can't think of too many situations where they're pleasant words. although admittedly i certainly claim that things kick ass on occasion. *shrug*
side note: do *not* put any really disgusting tasting vitamins or other pills in your mouth until you have verified that you definitely have water in front of you to wash it down. *gag* empty water bottle.
so almost as if i was antiprognosticating, i write that trench prolly won't be around since he wasn't for months, and the next day he posts. umm. oops? i wonder if i should still go through with my idea. i think so. maybe day after tomorrow, since i'll have off again, which presumably means i have time.
my aunt's fortieth birthday was the day before yesterday. which i knew, but had to be doubly sure to observe since my mother emailed me twice and debi at least once, plus an instant message for debs asking us to do so.
so now aunt sarah's twice my age. i wonder how that feels. i just hope to heavens i'm nothing like her in twenty years. i don't want to be like any of the members of my family. can i get a new family? no real obligations, just as role models, perhaps?
it's odd. i think i want to have children, and i think one of the minor reasons is that i want to have a family that's normal, and i want to raise normal children almost as a sort of healing, perhaps. if i can help them have a normal childhood, then i'll feel better about my own? i'm glad this is only a small feeling inside of me, since i think it's not good.
if ever i end up getting married i hope his family is pleasant. can't have both sides of the family be insane. argh. my mother tries to be nice to everyone i introduce her to, but after a while one begins to notice how odd she is. i wonder if i'll be required to just warn whoever and pray.
rob seems to get along with her well, although you can tell he sees beyond her facade. but mom loves him since he's so good to debi. well there's one thing. my family loves me. well, maybe not my aunts and uncle, but mom, dad, and ima all love me in their own unique and highly screwed up ways. it's more than some people have.
i once argued with my really messed up roommate, sarah, that it's worse when they love you. because then you're supposed to love them back and not be rebellious and there are all these expectations, and you feel like a bad daughter if you don't want to comply with their wishes since they think they're doing what's best. hum. i'm still not sure. not having love from your parents makes being loved at all pretty iffy early in life. and if there's anything that humans need, i'd think it's love. not necessarily romantic love (although i'm sure that would be nice if i ever get around to it), but all types. i think i have some understanding of love in general, because i love my friends.
it's so easy to love another person, i think. or there are many people whom i find easy to love. maybe it's just me. love is such a wonderful thing, and to be without it would really be damaging, i think. one hypothesizes that my father is the way he is today because his parents never showed him any sort of affection. he's a good person. in the most pure way you can use the term good, i think. he's giving, he cares, he's religious, he does his best to harm no one... he is just a good man. that's about all, though. he has other qualities, of course, but to me he seems so empty.
the more i look at other people, especially my family, the more i realize why i like being who i am. i'm not sure if that's good or bad.
not that i'm all happy about everything i am. but who is? i have my wishlist, of course. =Þ
i wish i had lisa's charisma and understanding, jenna's wit, openness and writing ability, kathryn's outgoing personality and joy, susan's seriousness and ability to appreciate life, adam's humour and easy camaraderie, morde'an's spirituality and independence, cara's energy and excitement for living, essena's dedication and enthusiasm....
to some extent i have some of these qualities, i think, but it's so much easier to see and appreciate in others. i'm just thinking about all these people so much because i miss them. *sigh* i hope that i can always keep perspective and realize that however upset i may get over anything or anyone's actions, there's a reason why i love these people so much. i hardly ever have problems with my friends, and i hope it stays that way, but it's hard to genuinely appreciate how wonderful someone is when you live with them every day of your life.
i had intentions at one point to write valentines for all of my friends and all of the people i respect(and i mean everyone. including about thirty people in the school of music--it was going to be busy.) with just a note saying how much i appreciate them and why. i feel like i should have gone through with it, but somehow it was embarrassing. isn't that sad? i felt too embarrassed to tell people whom i respect why i admire them. i wonder if i could go ahead and do it now.
i feel like people will never know what they mean to me. i say so little about it. i think so much about it. i appear to put so little effort into it.
well, not always. i guess i usually do well with birthday presents and whatnot. i spend so much time for those things. i think i've let kat down this year, though, since i have no money. i think i'm going to have to send her something at school to constitute the rest of her present.
it's too hard to deal with presents, really. i collect things as much as six months in advance, typically. especially for jenna and lisa, since i never see them, and i often end up combining winter holidays with birthdays. i love it when i can give someone a present that they're truly happy with, though. and some of the reactions i've gotten are fabulous. like lisa's famous one. i give her a large, red, foam foot. she exclaims, "i can use this!!" umm.... lisa? you scare me.
of course getting presents is always amusing, i guess. i think i generally like the gag gifts better. like the headless, plastic, green buddha jenna gave me for last christmas. and the orange, burlap "i love sudan" sign. that thing is infamous now. it'll go up in my bedroom for as long as i can manage to do it and look at all dignified.
*sigh* i miss my dorm room. i miss my hallway. i miss my dorm. i miss my school. now we have the proper run down.
when i get back i'll have the same room as last year. i can't wait to get everything all together again. i won't even have to adjust my ethernet settings. same ip and everything. damn, i'm so pathetic i'm getting misty-eyed about my ethernet.
honestly though, i'm going nuts without my computer. i haven't heard "un cri court dans la nuit" or "on ira tous au paradis" or any cirque du soleil in a month now. why didn't i take quidam with me?? eeargh. i really am just insanely fixated on music. i can't feel unhappy while listening to café europa by deep forest. it doesn't work. i always pick music to reflect my mood, and i'm always listening to music. of course it isn't working here, since debi doesn't seem to want to hear anything lately, and she's moved her blammed air mattress into the living room. argh. what's the point of your bedroom, then?
incidentally, this also means i'm typing in the dark. another wonderfully fun thing. although it does prove that i know how to touch type. i'm not even making many errors. hmm. should i be proud? no. i should conclude that i need to spend more time off the computer. *nodnod*
so now that we've established that, why don't i try going to sleep to prove that i'm capable of such a thing? of course i'm not. earlier to bed only means i'll be earlier to rise and back on the computer again. it's so lame. let me try to tell myself it's not. *pause* nope, not working. yes, well now it's time to head off, i suppose. g'night.
posted by Unknown at 2:48 AM