i'm quite thrilled that i was wrong. hugely surprised, too. today our boss called us into the office within twenty minutes of our arrival. what we were expecting was a huge rant. what we got started out as a lecture and almost turned into a pep talk. it was odd, really. she even went so far as to tell us we made a good team and were working together well. umm. ok.

in any case, i was still right about the rest of the day. i didn't get off work until eleven forty something. bleh. schedule six hour shifts and then make them seven without allowing extra breaks. and i *still* have not gotten a single bloody hell freaking paycheck. *sigh* i asked today, and was told linda had them, but then was unable to find linda. spiffy. so i bought lunch using my debit card today. bagel, yoghurt and a cheese stick on a card. about a dollar. bloody downright pathetic. i don't even have bus fare for tomorrow. i'll have to ask debi. or look in cracks in the furniture. bloody hell. i should have earned at least two hundred fifty dollars already, and i'm scrounging for nickels. this is *stupid.*

i'm so ready to be gone. i can almost taste the plane ride. ew. stale air and bagged pretzels. i'm getting so malcontent that i think i'm getting a bit careless.

i told debi today that i think i wouldn't really want to live with her long term. she of course wanted to know why. difficult for me to even say why. well, one reason that's obvious is that i'm acting as a sort of maid service, but i wasn't bringing that up, as debs has been sick, and i'm not paying rent, so i deserve it, or something. what i finally told her is that i don't like who i am when i'm with her anymore. which is just a screwy answer. and probably my problem, not to be inflicted on her. i said that i'm a lazy jerk when i'm around her. she said she was surprised since she thought she was making me do rather a lot of work. it isn't how much work you do, though. it's the mentality.

i don't know that it's the real reason i'm not happy living with her, though. i think it's all about the disappointment of what it used to be like between the two of us. we used to be a lot closer. i think though, the reason we aren't now is that i've gone from hero worship to amiable respect. and i think i have more respect for myself than i do for her. not sure why. it just seems to me like what should be important for her isn't. honestly a lot of the issues she's having now are due to her lack of care for herself. which i can understand, as depressed people don't really care for themselves, but she has been functioning normally for a while now, and she still doesn't treat herself well. not that i do either, but not on this sort of level. i'm guilty of occasional lapses in sleep and starvation, but not much else. debi has been totally neglecting her surroundings, her eating habits, her sleeping habits, her hygiene to some extent... and i'd give a lot to know how other people can be so reckless with diet and health and still be thinner than i am. bitter bitter, yes we know.

it's all a plot to make me look more normal than i am. =Þ i think my main issue is that debi has no life outside of work and her boyfriend. maybe i'm just scared of that sort of thing. although i expect this week i'll have no life outside of work. bleh. couldn't even practice today because rob slept over and didn't get up until after i left for work. at four. bleh! not fair. my lungs are finally feeling normal enough that i could have.... and it's been i think four days. i haven't practiced berio in a long time. i'm not up to it. i don't even want to play it anymore. my only motivations at this point are a) i don't want to have to explain not doing it, b) my accompanist thought it was really cool, and c) the whole studio would freak out and die. eh. not good motives. i need to want to do it for myself, and i just don't. too hard. i don't think i can. and i forgot to bring the cd with me to listen. not that i'd want to anyhow.

i like modern music. a lot more than almost anyone i know. i like berio. this piece though.... it can be fun to play, actually, but i think under these circumstances it's just stressful. i sucked so badly when i played it through for juries. because i went too fast. as always. and i wasn't prepared enough. because i need two weeks on each page, i swear. i just don't even want to look at the piece again. argh. can i play muczynski instead?

i feel like i'm wimping out. the thing is that i could definitely manage a more difficult piece, but i don't have many options due to accompanist issues. plus i have no chance to look at anything new this summer. and really. i'm getting to the point where i don't want to be motivated by competition and all this. although that's quite dangerous because really i can't just coast if i want to stay in orchestra. not sure i'll make it anyhow.... i'd be sort of happy in wind ensemble, but if i drop to a lower ensemble... i'd be so embarrassed.... i dunno. i don't deserve to lose my seat, really. but who can tell.

i think i'm just having a period of general overall angst and worry. not sure why, though. basically i'm sitting here pouting a lot like a little girl. damn, what was that i said about respect before? i do have respect for myself, but i tend to go a bit over board on the self loathing, so it seems to cancel it all out. eh, it's all just my mood.

i'm still really anxious to get back to school, but once i get there i'm going to have a lot to cope with. going to have to change majors, change my whole schedule, quite possibly change advisors... and i need to know requirements and i can't get them. gah! i'm going to find out there's some trivial three sequence course and i'll have to stay an extra semester just for... no, i sincerely doubt it. but still... i worry, since i can't know. meanwhile, i'm trying to go through this without actually really discussing it with anyone in my family. heh. i think mom still might think i'm staying an extra semester. i wonder if i should bother asking her to show up to graduation. ooh, bad me. evil thought. of course i will. and she'll show up. and make a big show of being proud.

maybe not, though. she'll probably be happy since i'll be the daughter who actually got her degree on schedule and all, but then it's in something she thinks is useless... bugger the world. if i can't make a living doing something i want, then the world is unsatisfying as a whole. eh, like it matters if i dismiss the world. been doing it for years to no avail.

i don't like being up so late... but after i got off late, debi stopped to go shopping for a half hour... then we got home and she got on the computer for another hour... when i get a start around two, is it any wonder that i'm still up at three thirty? which would work fine at school, but i don't like it here. not sure why. maybe because it means that in my reality of new york i'm up at five thirty. iiiccck.

eh. i have nothing of value to say about anything. i haven't for a while. i'm just tired. and debi's still up. and she has to be up for work in three or so hours. *shakes her head*

oh, but i put in today for my leave starting friday the tenth. i can start counting down the days. oh. and i found out today that two people quit, and one was fired in our department. no wonder i'm scheduled so much this week. i think that even if i do muck things up a bit (which i'm not really. i just think circumstantially i look bad for some reason.) they can't afford to get rid of me. heh, but that won't help them come august. jaime, dezeray and i are all leaving. possibly amanda, too. i'm almost amused that they'll be so buggered. ha! ha! i say! serves you right, k mart! now you'll pay for your heinousness! eh, not really. i'm sure someone else will get buggered over instead.

well there's my insanity quotient for the night. happy pioneer day tomorrow. yes, it's a utah state holiday. i have no idea what the holiday means, but i know i'm still working, so blammed if i care. g'night.
posted by Unknown at 2:48 AM