i'm just so sad. i don't know what brought it on. work was somewhat awful, and i'm worried that i'm going to be screamed at tomorrow for not finishing tonight's work, but they only assigned two people, and it makes it impossible to keep up. so i started out unhappy. now i'm just terribly lonely. and how i wish i could confide in myself, because it seems i'm a lot better listener than debi is.

basically i said that i'm just really lonely, and it's awful to realize that it's going to be like this all over again next summer and possibly for years afterward. debi's response? yeah, you think everyone else doesn't go through it? thanks. that really helps. not what you're supposed to say. i wonder sometimes if it screws things up that i know what's supposed to be said to people who are depressed. because it doesn't work on yourself. because what you really need is someone to be there for you and listen. and not someone to tell you not to worry and you'll get through it.

i just wish i had someone to talk to. but if i did, i wouldn't be lonely in the first place.

so we ended up having the most abominable amount of work left to do at the end of the night, and we've left a full day's work for tomorrow. both jaime and i are working tomorrow. and better yet, the manager of our department is closing tomorrow. and better than that even. we'll have to have everything perfect for wednesday because we're having a district manager come in that morning. and i'm going to be working tomorrow, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday and saturday. and tomorrow i'm going to come and get screamed at. i can't wait. if i don't get some sleep for tomorrow i'll probably break down and cry at bloody k mart. it's all my fault i'm so upset. i have no resistance when i haven't slept.

what i really need is a hug and some friends. the problem is that i always used to be lonely. i never had many friends until sophomore year in college, really. now i know what it's like not to be lonely, and it's ever so hard to go back.

i've been in this mood for two hours now. and i keep getting almost better, but not quite. i just feel like crying. a lot. it's so careless to be in this mood, but still talk to people. i think i might have been making disclosures that no one really needs to know. or more specifically people i don't really know don't need to know. this whole blog is more of things that i shouldn't actually let other people know. although i used to have that sort of thought more often, and i decided i was wrong. now i'm beginning to see the other side again. but i don't feel like it matters at this point. i'm tired, my eyes hurt, my soul feels sick, and i just want to sit and cry. i wish i weren't this melancholy.

everything seems so trivial and unimportant right now. and to think that i'm trying to write it out and be correct, and possibly i should spell check it and maybe stick in some font tags, and it all just looks like such a joke. i suppose i'll have to go back and fix it later, really. that's my big problem with my melancholia. i mock myself for it while i'm there just for being so bloody overdone. i feel as if i'm not allowed to be upset, somehow. but i know why that is, too.

i've been crying so long that my head is aching and i'm slightly dizzy. and it's all over nothing. i swear it has nothing to do with real life. to think that all this is just because i can't actually see and hear my friends. why? what reasoning does that have for affecting anyone? sometimes it all just seems so pointless. which is such a dangerous feeling. sort of numbness, i suppose. but a vague ache, too. the odd part is that the sadness itself saddens me. i feel like a poorly written gothic novel. i hate it. but attempting to leave sadness sometimes just feels like an abrasive, offensive notion. and then i feel like i'm just maudlin and silly for allowing myself to feel sad. damn, that's not fair. i shouldn't feel this way. anger, sadness, fear... all of them are somehow corrupted in me. but it gets to a point where i can't even be angered about that. just more ache.

i'm hoping that if i can just get it all out i can go sleep and get on with things. anesthesia. yup. that's what this stupid thing is supposed to be, anyhow. better than writing poetry. or better for me. jenna does it well. for me, i'd end up with some insanely clichéd and rather sickening tainted poetry that reads as though written by a child. maybe i could pull in a nice rhyme scheme and them i'd have to mentally puke on myself.

wow. cynicism is a great way to move past feeling. now if only i weren't so lightheaded. i wonder if this is what it feels like to be drunk. everything moves too much. i should just keep my head still. every time i've tried to stand up in the past couple hours i've stumbled. i think i'm just tired. so i should go sleep. if i can manage. we'll give it a go. good night.
posted by Unknown at 1:47 AM