i'm in one of those wonderful moods where i realize that all these sadnesses of life are just fleeting and almost trivial. a sort of mood where i just crack a little smile at no one in particular every few minutes without reason. i have no reason to be happy, but i am. i think i'm going to take legend outside for a bit. i love how it gets all cold at night and there are stars. unlike home.

it's amazing how much people can change in only a few years. it's also amazing that almost everyone does. i have to smile at my own demonstration today. i used to be so unsure of myself and so easily intimidated... i still am, but i think along with my ability to perform without nerves comes a new superpower. i can turn off my problems of insecurity. not at will, but i seem to pick good times.

today i worked with jerk girl again, and i've managed to completely ignore all her snarkiness. so today in confirmation of my guesses she went off and smoked over break, then we all got lectured that we aren't allowed to leave the building on break... then she tells me there's a new gang that's been started. in utah. indeed. she says the initiation is to kill someone and goes on to describe it. i laughed at her. i'm being full well snarkier than she is. because i can tell she's almost trying to impress me. and it's not working. i find this supernormally amusing. bad me.

honestly being out here makes me feel so capable. i've been brought up to be independent, and i've learned to have some confidence in my abilities. i don't look like a good target, really. i don't think i'm ever going to get jumped, and i'm pretty damned sure that i have nothing to fear from a gang in utah. honestly it's pretty hard for me to feel threatened. yes, i'm so over confident that i'm going to go down at some point, but i'm having fun, so who cares?

but so really i'm just realizing how wonderful it is to grow up and to see the world in a new light and to see others seeing new things. and to see others see a new you.

every person you meet causes another version of yourself to come into existence. my new selves are looking better and better, and it's changing my own perceptions a bit, i think. slowly though. people don't react to me the same way now.

it always used to be that i was paranormal. now people seem to be seeing me as just another part of the whole. i'm not disturbing. even in terms of looks. it odds me out how my coworkers seem to see me as just another person. which i think is simultaneously exactly what i've always wanted and what i've always tried to avoid. well, i think i always wanted to be just another person in terms of looks, but i never managed that. i'm still a bit worried i'm becoming just another person in terms of mentality, too, but i don't think that can really happen to anyone, so i shouldn't concern myself.

i think everyone always wants acceptance, and it seems to be a rather hard thing to find for many of us. especially those of us who are out here online geeking themselves away. *grin* shun the intelligentsia has always been a rallying cry for the ones who had control of the social cliques. but it works now. if you just step out on your own you can find so many people who will accept you because they realize what acceptance means. those who always had it almost miss out, consequently. it's so much more precious to have something you have earned. and doubly so when talking in terms of emotional and personal struggles.

the fight simply to be who you are is such a never ending struggle. expending so much strenght to insist that you will be yourself in the face of so many other clones... and to know to trust yourself and to value yourself. and i'm getting there.

i keep vacillating between feeling this summer has been somewhat worthless and feeling that this summer has been more valuable than almost any other. the thing is that when i consider the second option, i come up with a different tally: every single moment of my life is incredibly important. the human mind is set up to learn, and while i'm away during the summer i'm not learning about maths or literature or culture, but i'm still absorbing a lot of information. i'm a completely different person because of summers in general. somehow i think maybe the more important part of myself develops when i'm on my own.

the thing is that a good bit of the time i don't want to be alone. well, who does? i do think, though, that without time to myself i'd lose track of myself amongst the myriad swirling images of who i am that others show me daily. although at the same time i am every one of those people in a very real sense. because people have such incredible depths to them that no one person can hold all of the people they actually are within themself. we live in others. we are glorified in others. life is about others, and so i live for others. not entirely healthy, actually, but somehow more fulfilling for me at times.

i can be almost the epitome of selflessness, but in serving others i'm still serving myself. i wonder sometimes if true selflessness isn't the best way of looking after your own interests after all. i wonder at those who feel the need to harbour things for themselves, who look to always have the advantage, always the best in life for themselves... because when you clutch in that manner you lose all you seek. because retaining these things solely for the virtue of ownership causes the loss of all meaning. ok, who gave me the drugs?

i was just considering it, because my grandmother is the epitome of one who clutches to herself. and all the time she does it under the guise of giving to her family. but she doesn't because she counts and tallies everything she gives out. she cherishes her idea of giving, but there is no spirit behind it. she's an unhappy person. amazingly so. she trusts none, she values none, she places more importance on things than people. i'd rather be poor and loved than rich and bitter.

i think most of my family would argue that statement. i'm just being idealistic, they'd say. i don't think so. i can live without the perqs my long island family treasures, but i can't live with the soullessness and emptiness exhibited by at least half my relatives. they seem to think i'm a bit of a rebel. i think i'm me, and i think that's a fairly good and wonderous thing.
posted by Unknown at 3:52 AM