i just had scary realization.... everything i've eaten today has been out of a cup. *frown* oatmeal in a cup for breakfast, ramen in a cup (oriental flavour!) for lunch, and now i'm having vegetarian vegetable soup in a cup (plus added broccoli, because i still maintain this stuff doesn't have enough veggies) for dinner. help. maybe i should have applesauce in a cup for dessert or something, just to make it even sillier. you'd never know that it was debi who got her teeth out, eh?

ooh. playboy mommy again. i love this album. i was listening to youssou n'dour and deep forest for the first half of the day and poe and tori amos for the second. makes me happy. i just wish i could sing along... blasted cold.

anyhow, so debs is gone for the weekend yet again, and this time i don't get to be lonely and whingey because i actually work both days. plus monday and tuesday. whoo bonus. *sigh* i liked it better when they gave me two days work then a day off. less concentrated angst and boredom. and i felt so icccckkk today that i didn't go and get my paycheck. bad me. bad bad bad. now i'm never allowed to whinge about it again. BAD.

i think i must be in a worse mood this past week, but i'm still not upset. i think maybe slightly stressed, though. oh heck, i know i am. probably why i have the cold. i catch myself getting really irritable at work on occasion. well, the little boy who ran around hitting things for twenty or so minutes would try anyone's patience, i expect. that day just was so aggravating. i really hope i don't have kids *again* tomorrow. plus i'm sure mom will have to try and talk to me at some point soon. yay. i'm looking forward to more accusations and irrationality.

every time i start thinking it's just me and she's not that bad i talk to her again... now that these conversations are taking place over instant messenger half the time, it gives me the opportunity to stop and just stare at what she's written and think, "what? WHAT??" *sigh* it's better than talking to her. she can't upset me in text. more and more now i just have to laugh. of course i can afford to now--i'm almost free. life isn't bad. i feel like i'm making things out to be more than they are. of course i have only one perspective, so essentially i'm ignorant. *shrug*

i wanted to practice today, but with the chest cold... it'd end up being just like when i was playing in the opera--coughing gets untenable because i'm pushing scads of air through my throat and stirring everything up. not terribly pleasant. argh. i had a two week long cold during opera hell week and performance. got so bad that even dr. rudge noticed. ^_^ it's so hard to be in a pit for hours and try your best not to cough, but continually have things messed up when you play. i miss fledermaus, though.... i had fun piccolo solos, too. :) ooh, mix and match smileys. ha.

today i fuddled around and attempted to make my silly french blog look all purty. actually, initially i was picking things that i thought would prove out my bad taste, but then they had to go and work. *grin* of course i only just started it and it's in french, so it has less on it than half of one of my regular posts, but maybe at some point i'll get better. took me forty minutes today to write about a half a page. well, that wasn't all i was doing, but still. eh. although i do have to say i was infinitely amused when someone asked me in shock "you speak fluent french????" (yes, that many question marks.) no, i don't, but i'm good at fooling you? i don't know. i'm trying to tell myself that it's not bad for someone out of the american schooling system. ew.

i'm just upset because i feel like i've lost all the facility i used to have. although to be fair, for three years out of classes i speak a damned sight better than just about anyone else i know. i've been trying to keep up by talking with debi on occasion, as well as all the music i listen to in french, but that only helps to some small extent. actually though, my last roommate spent a semester in spain and told me the semester she got back that she thinks i speak better french than she does spanish. *grin* now *that* was a compliment.

it's funny... it's nice to get compliments, and generally i let them turn my head a bit, if i can, but one *always* takes criticism, or, in my case, sometimes even what isn't said, more to heart. i think most people do that, but i wonder to what extent. i used to dwell a lot more on criticism. lately i've been much better, and i've actually been dwelling on compliments, but all in all i think i still don't believe them. hum. i'm just having an inferiority complex day today. ah heck, who am i kidding? that's every day. today i just felt as though i was poking a sore wound, though. like i couldn't help but make deprecating statements. it just pulled me. i hate doing that, too. because people tend to deny it, and i don't want to discuss those things anyhow. it's just pathetic when i do. i still think it's some sort of societal obligation half the time when people tell you that no, you aren't so bad. *sigh*

it always feels like i'm poking at my bruises actually. even writing about it. like i'm testing myself to see if i'm serious, or if i've somehow sneaked up behind myself and gotten better about these things. ha. can i get an extra dose of reality? i'd like to know for sure who i am, and i really think i'm not doing well looking from inside.

talked to jenna again today. yay. she completed an essay to apply for peace corps and wanted me to give her any criticism i could. i really didn't have much to say. jenna's been writing for a newspaper since she was about fifteen, and was an editor of a paper (about equivalent to the village voice) that was based in dc a couple years back. what in the heck could i possibly have to tell her that she doesn't know? i get asked to look at people's papers a lot, and usually i can help out, because i have this sort of obsession with language. simple grammar and spelling mistakes i always catch. awkward turns of phrase i can correct effortlessly. but jenna's got all that and style, too. then she doesn't understand why all her friends can't help correct her. *grin*

jenna: anything, from the overall mood, the theme, the symbolism, down to sentence structure and paragraph flow...anything?
me: no, it has good flow. hum.
me: i don't think i'm good with criticism. or not with you.
jenna: ::grumbles:: WHY does everyone say that?!?
me: other people i just have to correct grammar and things, and obviously you don't need it.
me: because you already write better than most of us, dear.
jenna: I've been told 1.) You're a far better writer than I am, 2.) You intimidate me, 3.) You take criticism as a personal attack, 4.) Compliments are easier, 5.) You're stronger than I am and you can beat me up, 6.) You scored higher on the SAT II Writing than I did, 7.) You're formidable.

well, really only one and four apply to me, but still... this branched off into a discussion of how other people are intimidated by us. us?? i know personally that i'm intimidated by everyone else. people somehow get this idea that i disapprove of them. i know i'm thinking to myself concurrently, "i'm not good enough to be talking with you." people seem to think that jenna and i are confident. *grin* i don't know how we're managing this, but it's pretty amusing considering the truth.

i think that it may have to do with the way we speak. i don't really come off as casual, i think, and i know that jenna's sarcasm and wit are always readily apparent. jenna pulled out an excellent quote from one scared victim..."Jenna, you use your words like whips and I'm not into that whole leather thing"

meanwhile, i've been thinking about this sort of thing for a while... so people feel afraid or intimidated when they meet me, it seems... i feel intimidated and inferior when meeting plenty of people of late... i'm thinking that all these people who i'm thinking are just so far above my head shouldn't be let out into society, because it would be devastating to morale of the general populace. =Þ although it seems that on the whole, the more intelligent you are, the less of a chance there is that you actually integrate into the whole of society. i should be grateful for being stupid.

wait wait!! maybe that is a causal relationship, but i have it backwards!! maybe more exposure to society makes you stupider! heavens knows that could certainly be true in america. bleh. i wonder if one could test this theory? *grin* i'm going to have kids and home school them and never allow them out of the house--no!

i think i get all antsy because i place such a high value on intelligence, but honestly that's not the most important thing out there. (although i will argue for it being high up in priorities) strictly in terms of iq, i'm probably rather inferior to my father. well, i can't be sure, but it's quite possible. however! i can actually function on a real level, i have common sense, and i'm actually capable of making friends. every time my dad refers to someone as a friend i'm pretty much surprised. then i feel badly for thinking that way. many of the people who are more intelligent than i am simply don't function.

oh dear lord am i a geek. i just considered this in terms of rpg type stats. maybe my intelligence is only fifteen, but my charisma is eight and my wisdom is twelve. you have an intelligence of twenty five, and are practically a god, but have a wisdom of eight and a charisma of two. (and you *know* that all rpg characters end up that way, since geeky middle school boys figure charisma counts for nothing since they have none.) honestly i'd rather be me.

wait, here's how i figure my stats:
strength- 13
dexterity-10
intelligence-15
wisdom-12
charisma- 8
that's right. my example was actually supposed to be accurate. now i've seen yet another facet of my geekiness... hmmm. looks like i have to be a magic user of some sort. i'm thinking maybe psionics. *grin* ew!! geek!! i'm a geek!!!

oh, and if i didn't already feel geeky enough, today i was attempting to remember my c++. it was mostly just a joke, but my memory was sort of getting somewhere, actually. argh. although i wrongfully attempted to increment a boolean, which is just plain stupid. well, i named the boolean after a person and forgot to keep her type in mind. meanwhile i had two other people declared as a perfectly good integer and double, but did i increment them? noooo. aah!! i'm such a geek!!! *hides her head in shame*

where was it that i read that geekiness transcends genre? something about how math geeks, science geeks, music geeks, computer geeks... all geeks have the same personalities regardless of subject. i can believe it, too, since i seem to slide effortlessly into every geek position there is. bleh. bad me.

i can't remember where i read this next thought either.... someone expressed that they were always considered one of the bright kids in school, and were treated as though they could do things others couldn't, but that they felt in the end that it wasn't about superior understanding, but merely superior memory. that could so easily be me. well, i do think i have high comprehension, but really the most spectacular thing about me is my memory, and really that tends to be worthless. i'm just bitter still since i feel i can't create. ick. get me out of this rut.

i always feel like people expect me to be brilliant and i have no way of actually keeping up with their idea of me. whenever people give even silly logic tests and whatnot, i tend not to do well. i still score high on stupid iq tests and things like that, but i think it's merely because i work very quickly. basically i read quickly, i analyze quickly, and i remember a lot, but i don't do anything *well.* of what bloody use is that to anyone?? i do have occasional good thoughts in terms of problem solving, actually. i'll have moments of insight, but for the most part if i ever get anything done it's just because i have an insane amount of patience and a lot of persistence.

i never synthesize things of meaning. or i try and it just comes off as trite and clichéd to me. i don't even think i think well. which means i constantly feel inferior when compared to people i meet lately. i'm beginning to think i need to go find some stupid people to hang out with for a month. =Þ eh. stupid people won't associate with me, though. my speech is too obnoxious to be borne.

i think the thing that most gets to me is that i have no academic courses in anything that holds meaning for me. in the past few years i've had about five classes that i really felt like i had any learning from. i feel as though i'm getting tremendously stupider because i'm not studying academics, only music. and i'm not even at a conservatory. i shudder to think. i think it's getting to the point where i just can't keep up with anyone anymore because i've had three years of nothing. blargh. so i know all there is to know about music theory. what good does that do me?? when is *anyone* going to need my knowledge of the odd scalar chords scriabin created? hello? usefulness?

at this point i feel like i've gone so far as to lose my basics. "how is this spelled?" "what on earth was the quadratic formula again?" "how did i ever conjugate the subjunctive anyhow??" i feel completely ignorant. i'm losing everything i used to take for granted. and i have no motivation to try and go out and get books to relearn since i hate book learning. it's odd... i love reading, but not when i'm ostensibly learning from it. i can't mix my education with my relaxation? odd, considering how much i enjoy education.

i don't know... it's a form of laziness. i'll go to every class (well, i have good attendance, but i must admit that when i'm low on sleep i do miss on occasion) there is, even when i have seventeen classes in one semester. (although i was exhausted a heck of a lot that semester.) i'll pay attention even in boring lectures. i'll read the book if i have to, as long as i'm *in* a course, but no way in hell can i ever just read a text book. well, that's probably not all that uncommon, but i still wonder, since i keep saying i want to learn.

i just feel like i was so capable at one point, and i'm not any longer. i feel like a fool, then i engage in conversation with people who seem brilliant. am i shooting myself in the foot? then on occasion i get approbation from these people, and i can't help but think that i must have just stumbled in a vaguely applicable direction.

no. see the problem is that whenever i think i've come up with something of interest it's ignored, but on occasion i'll write something i think is relatively valueless and then be praised for it. maybe it isn't me. maybe it's just because everybody else who's near me completely eclipses me. every once in a while i'll come up with something... and i'll think it's so valuable... and maybe my frame of reference is just totally off. *shrug* i just feel like i don't know up from down. my sense of humour seems off, my philosophies are not of interest, my life is at least as boring.

i managed to make the stupid french blog look decent today... maybe i'll actually put some effort into this one soon. i hate it right now. and i'm not fond of what i write. or even what i think. bah! commence banging head into wall . . . . now.

it's all just a transient thing, really. when i get back to school and i'm surrounded by people who aren't supergeniuses, i'll feel better. let me talk to sarah. she thinks i'm clever. heh. i've deceived the masses over at school. whooo. pardon me while i smack myself around for being stupid and mean to myself. ooh good. self-flagellation in diary form. go me.

good night.
posted by Unknown at 1:46 AM