i finally got to pay my sister back today. this makes me happy. and i talked to my father for the first time in two weeks. which was also good. we must have talked for at least an hour and a half... a lot of it was about my future, (school, career, etc.) when i explain to him what i want from life and why i think it will work i feel as though i'm bullshitting. i don't know why. i guess because that's what mom thinks of my ideas. but i give dad my rationale and logic and he accepts them. *sigh* i'm just having a phase where i continually realize how my early life has messed up my thought patterns.

this has seemingly been my month for lack of self worth, and so i've been trying to figure out where it's all coming from. then i get bitter about things i remember from childhood. basically i think i shouldn't dwell on it, though.

today i was being very nice to legend. petted him and whatnot. debi said i was scaring her. *grin* maybe i should try more often, then.

debi said we should go out to dinner tomorrow. i think she feels badly about not doing anything with me, or heck, even seeing me. sounds good to me, but i don't really care much. i just want to be home now. well. hmm. not home. long island isn't entirely home, really. i'm just so sick of being here. and i'm sick of hearing myself whinge about it. today i was thinking about that weirdo odd stat... the one that says guys think about sex however often. something insane. dunno. i was thinking i'm like that with school. bleh on me.

i'm too tired to write anything coherent. which is so lame considering i spent yesterday watching a couple people remain eloquent through complete lack of sleep. eh. i'm a wimp.

i'm sick of this. sick of looking at myself saying and thinking the same things every day. it seems like i can almost reach a limit on what there is of me right now, since i'm so confined, and after that limit i'm just on repeat for a bit. big fat bleh on that one.

ok, i'm up way too late looking through what other people are capable of thinking and arguing well. hmm. and i recently found an "old" post of mine... and i bother me. and that's only three months or so old, and already i think i'm completely off base. maybe it feels like i always think the same things, but it looks like they transmute with extreme speed. hmm. well it seems i don't always bother me...

i wonder sometimes if intelligence fluctuates by day. at the very least ability to articulate yourself well certainly seems to. sometimes i can almost like me as well as i like my friends. which is actually saying a lot, i guess. i should lower my standards a bit, because i think i'd make a good friend, but i still wonder....

a lot of the people i associate with and i respect most have nowhere near as much admiration or liking for themselves as i do for them. i wonder if most people would befriend themselves if they met themselves. personally i can't see liking myself upon first meeting me, but i think i'd be good once i knew me. *grin* odd thought. the issue is that i like who i am inside, but i hate who i look like on the outside. i know that i'm a good person in terms of morals as well as other qualities, but i can't see any of this evidenced in my interactions with most people. i know my friends love me and i can come close to understanding that, but what i don't understand is why people like me when they meet me. although in a few cases here and there i've managed to actually be up to my standards around people even from the start. damn. i have standards for that? eek.

my father told me again today that he thinks i'm a good person and said that he hopes that what he sees as my positive qualities end up working out for me, or something to that effect. my father is such an oddball. he makes these statements... it basically sounds as though he has no confidence that anything good ever happens in the world, which isn't an uncommon stance, but is odd knowing him personally.

well, i started writing this four hours ago, and i've been fuddling around ever since. i've finally wrote something lucid, but not here... in any case, i think it's time for sleep. g'night.
posted by Unknown at 5:33 AM