i am so mentally hale and healthy. yes, comparatively, i mean. today my sister woke me up at eight am because she had this intense need to clean the house. i went to bed at two thirty. i have insomnia. this means i fell asleep at about four. this means that i *really* did not want to be up at eight. i asked if it had to be right then. apparently it did. aiee.

i told debi that i wasn't happy about this and that i really value my sleep. i do. if i don't get enough sleep, i'm not a nice enough person. debi finally told me to just go back to bed, but with that tone of voice that means you know you didn't do what she wanted. i debated for a full fifteen or twenty minutes after that whether it would even help me to go to sleep, whether helping her was a moral obligation, whether helping her sent the wrong message since i find it an unacceptable request, whether i was a bad person and merely lazy and not wanting to clean... finally i decided that sleep was important, since i worked again today, and that i'm not lazy for not wanting to miss sleep and clean instead, when i'm the one who usually cleans anyhow. nothing wrong with me. so i'm thinking debi's just showing signs of obsessive compulsive disorder, or something similar. i don't think that's really a problem for me, actually.

in any case, i ended up cleaning the whole kitchen myself, later. *grin*

the upshot to this was that mom screamed at me again on the phone for not being there enough for my sister. oi. as if i'm slacking off? no. i'm doing my best, but this isn't my only obligation. plus this shouldn't be all mine to handle. why am i always the one who's supposed to take care of my sister when i'm the one mom seems to feel is inferior right now?? i'm five years younger, but i've always taken care of her! damnit, i have no issues with that, but then i get criticized for not having more skill! *sigh*

ok, so there's my bitterness for the day. i could submit my work bitterness, too, but that's just foolish. i'm happy to have the next two days off, and to be alone in the apartment, since i'm just dealing poorly with debi's weeklong tooth torment. i've only got a month left in utah as of tomorrow, and i think i'm just as happy with that. unfortunately i didn't get my paycheck today, so it isn't quite a perfect utopian utah life, (*snerk*) but i'll be just as happy to wonder around a bit on my own and practice.

today i had an ego trip day. i'm laughing at me again. it's fun every once in a while to arbitrarily decide you're going to be happy to look the way you do. it's hard for me to get there, but i have fun with myself when i do. honestly someone should shave my head, then i'll be properly humble. *grin* although i'm still just utterly irreverent about everything, it seems.

i have this thing... not so much a problem. ok, i'm in denial, it's a problem. i really like to argue things that are too outrageous for me to actually subscribe to them. i almost believe them... maybe if i was more punk and anarchist than i am (well, that isn't saying much. i'm about as punk as a toothpick) then i'd decide i actually believed what i said. i just seem to have an enormous gap between philosophies and practicalities. like my arguments of libertarianism which i really don't subscribe to, but i enjoy promoting anyhow. i think this is another facet of my belief that i'm entirely wrong about almost everything, and of my belief in the lack of validity in arguments.

so what brought this on, anyhow? i have this love hate relationship with wax intellectual on the brunching ubb. i almost can't help myself sometimes when i post things there. the thing is that for the most part what i write is inapplicable, unacceptable to others, or just boring. this means that i either a) get flamed, or b) get ignored. you'd think with that track record i'd be able to hold myself back, but nooooo, because this is me, and i'm a sucker for punishment, it seems.

anyhow, my latest idiocy was to declare that marriage is fairly well unimportant and invalid. i think i didn't even say what i wanted to in disclaiming it, though, so my arguments look poor again, and will be ignored. anyhow, what i think is that marriage is a social convention, and largely unnecessary. people were talking about needing something to hold you in the relationship. if you don't want to be in it, is it healthy to force yourself to stay? not to say that it shouldn't be worked on, but if you lose the will to even try, then what good is it to have the state of new york tell you that you need a trial one year separation first? it seems to me that my ideals work only for me, and that everyone else should ignore me, but i really think that if i were in a long term relationship then marriage would not help me to judge whether or not i should be sleeping with the person.

i'm such a dreamer, really. i'm certainly never going to be promiscuous, and i think i'm waiting for marriage because who i marry will be more than just who i enter into a marriage contract with. marriage will take its meaning from what i put into it, not from what a religion or a government says about it. i guess i believe in marriage, but i don't believe in what other people have made of it. who can blame me? my mother told me she married my father because she wanted to have kids and she wanted them to be sort of normal. she proceeded to pick a man who is smart, has good vision, is slim, is tall, and has a good heart. at least that last one wasn't for us, i think, but the rest was a really messed up human breeding program. meanwhile, mom only partially succeeded. debs and i are relatively tall and smart, and we have good vision, but neither of us really qualify as slim. debi's down in weight of late, but i'm afraid it isn't for good reasons. she doesn't take care of herself. i hope that having rob around will help her decide to change that.

i'm considering my genetic whatever of late... how good a start do i have, and how much have i overcome obstacles, and how much have i done more poorly than expected? although if i include nurture with nature, then i think i say i came out better than anticipated. i don't know. did i really end up with poor parenting? well, probably, but what is good parenting?

actually, i think i've finally seen good parenting. my last roommate, cara, had the most wonderful family i've ever seen. i don't even know that they were that out of the ordinary, but i guess all the rest of my friends end up with families almost as unsteady as mine. kat's dad is point blank mentally disturbed, lisa's parents haven't loved each other for years... dysfunction seems the norm to me, to some extent.

cara's parents are amazing to me. they love each other and all their children. they don't show favouritism. they expect help around the house and they get it. none of their children are spoiled. the whole family enjoys being together what a wild notion that is for me.

i was so happy to visit them... and you could just tell where priorities were. love, not money. togetherness, not competition. all that sort of wholesomeness. *grin* i think i could do that. i keep thinking about where i want to go in life, so i guess this all had to come at some point.

i think i could be a good mother. i'm pretty sure, actually. our family is screwed up, but it seems to get less with each successive generation. my grandmother is completely insane and has little sense of everyone else's reality. my mother is more rational, but doesn't see what she herself is doing. debi's much less manipulative than mom and ima are. there's only one basic problem debi and i have--self-esteem, and really, how prevalent is that?

personally, i think i've got my head on fairly straight. i'm a bit naive, i'm a bit too frivolous at times, and i'm perhaps foolishly optimistic, but i think i'm within some sort of standard of normalcy. i think if i ever get to that part of life, then it will work well for me. now i just have to get there. eeep. umm, can i skip the whole dating scene which im' no good at anyhow and just go for artificial insemination? umm. no. argh. i really don't hold with that idea. single parenting is fraught with error by nature, i'm sure.

well, i've certainly blathered enough to make up for my meager last few posts. umm, meager as in under two pages. i'm shutting myself up now. g'night.
posted by Unknown at 2:32 AM