good news for today: dinner was not in a cup. bad news for today: i'm an utter moron. argh. so i'm trying to balance out spaghetti and spinach with me being stupid enough to forget that today was saturday.

i missed work because i missed the bus, because i forgot that i have to leave something like two or so hours in advance to get to work on saturdays. bah! saturdays suck! argh. so i walked out to the lonely bus stop at ten of three as usual and had the realization dawn on me just as i got there that no one else would be getting there for hours. *hits things*

so i had to call in. and i felt so embarrassed about it that i didn't want to say what actually happened, so i told the mysterious "k-1" that i felt nauseous. which honestly, i did, having to call in as i did. i dunno, but i hate doing that, and i knew they wouldn't be happy since i gave an bloody friggin' *hour's* notice. AAAAGH! i'm just vaguely angered by the fact that i could be this stupid. let me stop thinking about it.

today's quote of the day from irc is "Ne cessez pas votre course de mon personnel de force." i'd sig mr 911 for that, but no one would know what it meant. it seems like the past time of at least five brunchers is to either a) tease me to death, b) embarrass me to death, or c) offend me somehow. anyhow, so tonight's attempts were basically consisting of people sticking odd phrases into babelfish and translating into french, then pasting them in the channel.

mr 911, being who he is, was largely taking odd euphemisms for sex and translating those. *weird* results. screw doesn't have the same connotation in french, nor does sleep. anyhow, so that one was supposed to mean something to the effect of "don't stop the drive of my mighty staff," but actually ended up translating into "don't stop your running of my staff (as in "office staff") of force." ok, not a good translation, but it's hysterical in french. especially since it rhymes.

i asked him for permission to use it in a piece of musique concrète. i really really want to do something with it, and i have no idea why i like it so much. i think maybe for "personnel de force," which sounds like a high powered unstoppable task force of trouble shooters or something. in any case, it just sounds *so* good in french. *tries it out a few times* wow, *really* good. damn. i just *have* to do something with this. if i stick it in the middle of an electronic piece then it won't matter that it makes no sense. and with the way the translation worked out, you'd really never know it was supposed to be dirty. heh.

eh, i think i just need an excuse to get back in the tech lab and write some more. it took me forever when i did projects due to perfectionism, but *damn* i loved doing them. well, actually when i finished they still were never up to my standards, but i'm trying to get over that. i tried to go back and fix one, actually, but couldn't because the hard drives were so full. *scowl* if i ever end up actually having money, then i'm getting a mac in addition to my current computer to do sound work. ick. i'd need way too much money (maybe twelve hundred) to set up things to my standards, but it would be so worth it... and i think i'd rather just try and milk my current one by upping ram and getting a cd rw than get a new pc for quite a while yet. ha, maybe i'll be able to afford this someday as i don't seem to take too many other luxuries. someday.

i'm going to apply to be a proctor next semester. hopefully i'll have enough time to take advantage of this and actually get into the lab more often. i did come in for non class assignments on occasion during the past two semesters.... hmm. i wish i could take an independent study with mr. wills. i should look into that. i wish i weren't intimidated by him. it's odd, any of my classmates would probably assume that i was completely comfortable around him due to the way i acted in class, but deep down i always feel like i don't really know what i'm doing with technology and whatnot.... i was one of the best students in the class, and i always knew what was going on, and generally everyone knew that, but still i feel like a dorky, ignorant little kid. i don't really feel comfortable asking him about things, since i feel like i'm so inferior.

this is actually especially unfortunate, since of all the people in the school of music, or heck, the whole college, he's the one doing what's closest to what i want to do with my life. well, i'd have to forgo the jazz vibraphone part of his career, but still. :) and he isn't scary, either. he's really nice, and personable. i should have no problems asking about this. and i was always a good student in his class, so i have no embarrassments....

argh. i just have no self confidence. it's funny how apparent it becomes in some situations, whereas in everyday life i seem to fool so many. i still don't know how that works. it's so funny to see me act all insecure, too... i'm huge.. i'm intimidating looking, really. and then i'm standing there attempting to shrink into myself and be inconspicuous. boy does that work well. it probably looks absolutely preposterous. wish i could see it from the other side once.

in any case, i'm up way too late... don't know why precisely. especially since i was vowing i'd get to bed early tonight and up early tomorrow to straighten. i'll still have to get up early, just now i'll have no bloody sleep beforehand. stupid. eh, but i've been up to my ears in stupidity lately. at least i'm getting some amusement out of it.

mm. lemme be pathetic and try to give a silly little positive note here. my hair looks bloody perfect today. for no good reason, though, so i doubt i can replicate it. when i looked in the mirror, though, after washing my hands i just had to pause and say, "what?? that's incredible." yeah boyee. =Þ

urgh. i so don't want to go to sleep. don't know why. that is. argh. debi said that if i don't clean the kitchen by the time she gets back tomorrow, then she'll be angry. *sigh* technically it really is all my mess, but that's only because everything debi eats i get for her now. ick. shouldn't be that bad, mostly just a sink of dishes, but i just don't want to do it. i'll have to get up and put on some awfully heavy and thumping techno and just get it over with.

i just want to be on my own so that i can have my own standards again, and not these annoyances of cleaning on other people's schedules. argh. i'm not quite a clean person, naturally, but i'm not a messy one either, i think. given my choice things will be in a bit of a disarray until weekends, when i'll need no more than a half hour or so to put things to rights. well, and then there's papers to be organized every month or so. but i don't hold with dirty dishes for days and things like that. debi does. or she doesn't want to, but it just is. visiting her last apartment was insanity. i think she keeps up appearances more now that rob is over every so often. of course of late keeping up appearances has been at least significantly my responsibility. yes, yes, whinge whinge. bad me.

eh. have to stop listening to this album. don't want to stop. stuck at computer because i need to listen to this album. help. obsessive. i've been listening to tori amos all day, and i've been hitting the back button insane amounts of times to listen to this one and that one just once more, really! "but i haven't been singing along! i have to go back and listen again!" my voice has gotten a lot better today. i think i'll be able to kick the cold in the next day or so. then i can sleep well again. must sleep. ok. now we can shut off the music. yes. step away from the keyboard. no! no, i said back. argh. you're hopeless.

ok, i can't do it. i'll stop writing, though, and maybe that'll be progress. g'night.
posted by Unknown at 4:05 AM