you know, it's amazing what respect from other people can do for someone. i was all happy and raving for a good half hour today. i got grouped by a really awesome person on the brunching ubb, and i just was completely bowled over. it's insane how thrilled i was about it. i think that i'm investing a heck of a lot of time and a lot of concern in this group.
it feels odd since i haven't met them, but i think i'm going to say that it isn't a bad thing. these are all people whom i respect, and they actually like me. why should i feel like this is problematic? well, it does suck my time away, but heavens knows that i feel it's worth it. i'm really enjoying being around these people, and i'm hoping i'll get to meet some of them and form solid friendships.
i have never seen so many people i respect in one place. it isn't all about intelligence or articulateness, either, despite the fact that this is a community where mostly everyone seems to have these two qualities. i think that for the most part these are just good people. i'm going to stop questioning, and just decide that i'm lucky to be able to talk with these people.
now of course i have nothing to say, just a big, foolish grin sitting on my face. i really do get stumped for words when i'm happy. it's funny, i always want to share my happiness, but it seems mostly that my efforts to do so consist of smiling like a lunatic. i just can't express these feelings in normal terms. when i consider what it is that i'm feeling in terms of words, i come up with things like "waaahhh!!!" which i automatically veto.
oh, so real life, maybe? perhaps i can do that.
debi got her car back today, and was quite excited. she picked me up at about 12:30 and brought me to lunch with some of her friends from work. they seemed nice. incidentally, the place we ate is the place i acted so ditzily in the other day... "where do i live again?" i was happy to note that the cashier who was working that day appeared to be nowhere in the restaurant at the time.
so it was a nice relaxed lunch in which i mostly listened to company gossip and had no idea what was going on. debi and i both got sandwiches from the deli, and i've now determined that i should not be allowed to eat sandwiches with mustard on them in front of company. plus it was falling apart. my hands ended up more flavourful than the sandwich, i swear. *sigh* i wish i were more graceful.
i always feel awkward talking to people for the first time. i don't really make good first impressions, and i'm beginning to see why. my hypothesis: my humour is a bit off the norm, and it takes people a while to catch on. also, people sometimes think that i'm depressed or whatever upon first meeting me, and i think it later becomes evident that i can't do anything about it---it's the natural set of my mouth. i always look like i'm either a) vaguely frowning, or b) in deep thought. well, b is true a lot, i guess.
i'm going one theory/hypothesis per post, eh? soon i'll have a book: sandry's streaming axioms, hypotheses, theories and laws. oh yes, we stream. well, actually, i suppose this isn't stream of consciousness, really. amazingly if i just put that down it would be even more disjointed. who knew that was possible? i jump from topic to topic in my head at the speed of light.
sometimes i try and count how many things i can think about at once. i tried to better quantify it by using each thought as a line of melody and seeing how many voices i could get in. i think three or four is mostly my limit that way, but it gets hard to count. i wonder if i used to have so many musically related thoughts or if i've been trained too well?
certainly when i was younger i didn't have all this musical complexity. i must have thought in terms of literature more back then. i remember i went through a phase where i talked like i was in a book and i tended to mentally append, "she said" onto all of my sentences. sort of made me look stupid when every once in a while i'd actually say it out loud.
great, we manage to look weird and eccentric even as a kid. bonus.
oohh, i'm tired now. it's a pleasant tired. everything's all fuzzy. i think i'm still on new york time to some extent, as i shouldn't be this exhausted at two am. it's really hard to fix my internal clock, though, since my bedroom here has no windows. i wake up and i have no conception of what time it is other than numbers. numbers don't make sense to anything other than your head. my body is saying, "pitch black!! sleep time!" when it's ten in the morning because there really is no light in my room unless i switch on the overly strong ceiling bulb.
*sigh* i ought to clean tomorrow. things aren't that out of hand, but the dishes from my stupid rice and beans are sitting soaking and crying, "wash us! we were unworthwhile in the first place and if you don't wash us now we'll continue to sit here and mock you!" did i mention that i have an overactive imagination?
it's so much fun to laugh at me. i think i could practically claim it as a hobby at this point. *yawn* maybe i'll just give up here despite utter lack of anything actually written and hope once more that my forehead looks normal in the morning. yeah, right. my nose is red, my forehead is splotchy, and i look abysmally stupid. damn, i'm vain about these things. well, it isn't vanity, because that requires pride in your appearance. i think it's more motivated by fear of embarrassment. up until todya debi was insisting no one could tell my skin was peeling. today she proclaimed, "oh, your forehead really is peeling!" over lunch. thank you captain discretion. we didn't believe me? you think i can't tell that my face has been flaking off for a few days? *shrug*
*yawn* i really need to get out of irc earlier in the night. ok, it's time to sleep. mmm.... blankety goodness. goodnight.
posted by Unknown at 1:14 AM