a whole day of nothing. i spent most of the day being licked and drooled on by debi's dog. a few brief respites when i took legend outside or when debi distracted him later on. argh. only even vaguely productive thing i did was practice and i wasn't all thrilled with that, either.
i hate doing nothing. it drives me bonkers. on the other hand, so much work that i've done seems equally like nothing. i get the feeling that whatever job i end up this summer is going to feel a lot like nothing.
i'm going to go out and get applications tomorrow. i have no idea where to start, since i don't know the town at all. it's really odd being over here. the simplest things catch you and let you know you're far from home. every time the radio station had ads on it would give me a subtle tug. comments on location that i couldn't even understand due to lack of reference. like if i weren't from new york and heard reference to the hudson valley.
debi seems happy enough, and somehow the same as she's always been. i never see her progress much. she still doesn't get things done on time and she still isn't neat. all her annoying habits (like being too lazy to go and get things herself and asking me to instead) are still the same. some of these are my habits, too, but i don't think i can deal with letting things get to this point. it's not that messy in here, but there are undone dishes from at least two days ago. more likely four or more. that really bothers me. and leaving things around which will only be harder to clean up later drives me a bit nuts. i've been known to do it at school during times like hell week of opera, but really, this is a bit much for regular schedule.
i'm becoming crotchety and grumpy in my old age. *sigh* i want to get on with the summer. i want to just get some stupid job and i want things to just move along. the thing is that i hate doing job applications. i always feel like i might do something wrong or misinterpret or just sound stupid. i don't know why all these things make me so insecure. applications are comparatively so simple. i'm applying for things that are just trivial and easy. menial labour. why do i worry?
actually, if i go with regelski's class, i'd say it's learned behavior patterns. my mother is a chronic worrier, and i've picked up the behavior from her. i need to get rid of it. it's really detrimental to my life. can't we just take a vacuum or something and tidy up my mind? just yank out the faulty parts and replace them? i don't know how to fix my problems, darn it.
*sigh* so tomorrow i get to go and try and represent myself and be horribly embarrassed. i should get to bed. i'm darned tired anyhow. from what? what did i do today? okay, i'm going to stop dwelling on that, there wasn't much it was possible for me to do today. going to just go on and go to bed. can't see screen, yawning too much. g'night.
posted by Unknown at 12:06 AM