today was another fun cleaning day. i am now cleaning as a form of procrastination. this is trouble. big time. i'm dead tired. my mind is functioning on a level of "ooh... hair... smooth..." right now.
hum, random comment. a little bit ago i posted to the board after having been whistled at while walking down the street. today i walked to the grocery store and back and got honked at twice and called after once. this is a *three block* walk. what the friggin' hell?
am i being provocative, somehow? i'm wearing jeans and a polo shirt, so that's not it. argh. i don't know. either a) guys in utah dig fat chicks. or b) i have the walk of a prostitute. *shrug* what the heck?
so i vacuumed *again* today (this is rapidly becoming my single largest expenditure of time, i swear it), and as soon as she got home debi took legend out and proceeded to comb out all his loose fur. *grrrr* then she complained and asked me to vacuum. what the flarghing hell, debs? *sigh*
my sister can be insanely lazy when she can get away with it. even the stupidest things. she asks me to do things like get something from across the room for her. at this point i'm also the only one doing any form or cooking or cleaning. man, i need my roommate back. =Þ
i think i'm beginning to think i should live with a roommate for as long as i can get away with it. i really like being around people, and if i can just have one room that's mine, i wouldn't mind sharing everything else. i even do well sharing a dorm room. how i'd love to get a house and split it with jenna and lisa, or some arrangement like that. it'd never work, of course, because jenna loves dc, and lisa seems to be inclined toward working in nyc. i'm beginning to feel more and more that i should leave new york. (aside: why do i keep trying to type "yourk"??) i like new york a lot, but i don't want to live near my family, i'm sick of long islanders, and i don't know that any other place in the state is quite what i'm looking for. hmm. i like new paltz, but it isn't far enough away from home, and i only like it for visiting, really. i loved staying in dc.
i think i might want to spend some time near a small city. i like the convenience of having all the culture and depth of a city, but i'd rather be somewhere quiet, really. i envy debi her experience at williams for so many reasons, and the beauty of the school and the area is one big reason. i've always liked nature, but i just don't have a lot of experience with it, i think. i've always lived in the suburbs, and there isn't much to see at fredonia. well, going to lake erie is really nice. *sigh* i didn't go at all this year, actually. that stinks. everyone in my dorm went at one point, but i had class at the time.
i always have class. i think i didn't feel so badly about it because i was living with susan and cara who were doing even more things than i was. on the other hand, i think susan is insane, and cara just ended up with a lot on her plate due to her awesome year in opera auditions. that was so cool. i wish i could get that kind of approbation from my teachers. well, i do, actually, don't i? it's just that my teacher doesn't matter, and neither does her friend, who has given me such insanely wonderful compliments. they're both adjuncts, so no one cares about them. the people who actually know how much work i'm putting in don't matter to our school. *sigh*
the workload is so much, and the standards are so high at fredonia, that huge amounts of effort are taken for granted by all. you can't get to junior year unless you are a dynamo, so no matter how hard you work, no one is impressed. (although all sympathize.)
that's one of the things about being a masonite. we all group together and we all sympathize with each other. we've all had our hell weeks, and when someone is looking tired/dead in the student lounge, we're all quite understanding. also, it's guaranteed some of your friends will be around for you to whinge at since we all spend so much time in there. yeah, we're isolated from the rest of the school, but you would be too if you had as many classes in one building as we do.
that's one of the things about the major. everyone knows how hard it is. music majors on campus get respect in some odd way. they all know what nutcases we are, and the thing is that most of us are ed majors and we won't even be paid well for our troubles. maybe sound recording majors will do better, but they have even more ridiculousness in their lives with things like night desk sessions from 10 until 2, or heaven help you, from 2 until 7. it's all madness. i just can't credit some of the things we're supposed to struggle through when compared with other majors.
to compound matters, i just had a discussion (or maybe more accurately a one way whinge fest) with stenny (acsumama) about music majors at his school. one of the things they tell us at fredonia is that when we get out, we're pretty much guaranteed to be hired. our school has a really solid music ed rep, and rightfully so. they prepare us as well as can possibly be managed at an undergrad level. the thing is that other schools have sanity in their programs. at stenny's school, music is a normal major with nine courses to take to complete it. plus an ensemble per semester. oh no! one ensemble per semester! *sigh* this all seems like bunk. it's just so much harder than anything else any of my friends are doing.
kat used to have it as bad with musical theater in miami, but she dropped from the program due to evilness in advising and whatnot. jenna ends up with some ridiculousness from time to time, but not the sheer amount of courses or in class time. plus she's also been holding down a job while in school, so that accounts for a lot of her issues. i wonder if she was only doing that the one year, or if she's continuing. hum.
while in school i end up just so insanely envious of my hallmates. they have one or two classes per day on average and they all spend a lot of time doing things like playing the sims, starcraft and diablo. i just wish i had this luxury. also, looking at them makes me feel like my efforts are unworthwhile, or needless. i sometimes feel it almost impossible to drag myself to class. i think when i get really shorted out (like in the middle of opera fall semester--good word) i just have no incentive to go.
maybe that's because i know that the courses i'm taking aren't taking me where i want to be. i don't want to be a teacher. can i go back in time? there are some key moments at which i wish i had taken a different turn. i don't think i've totally sabotaged myself, but i've set up expectations among all of my friends and relatives and i have to say it just isn't going to happen. i haven't actually mentioned my change of heart to anyone from school yet. i wonder if they'll be surprised.
suz always said she thought i'd make a good teacher. why do others always have more confidence in me than i do?
i wonder what it would be like to see things as they are. to see myself clearly, just for a moment. who am i really? how about others? i consider looking at the world and seeing truth, but even the idea of that evades me.
somehow i'm just really focused on people. they mean a lot to me. and here i'm seriously considering a career in which i don't interact much with anyone. it's funny how much i depend on people and how much i value being alone. i'm such a nutbag. *sigh* i just want to spend time with people i care about. everything else can work out. somehow nothing else is as important to me. maybe the reason i don't want to work with people is that i'll be able to pick and choose who i associate with to some extent. i don't always have enough patience. who does, really? i'm a fairly patient person, but when dealing with the public, one is driven a bit buggy. granted i'm insane, but that doesn't excuse the rest of you! =Þ i'm so tired that things are blurring in front of me. i have to go to bed now or else i won't make it there. goodnight. *yaaaawn*
posted by Unknown at 12:55 AM