okay, so last night was the first time i've missed an entry thus far. i did it on purpose, though. mom wanted me to go to bed early and go with her shopping early tomorrow. (it was her last time seeing my for two months. i'm happy.)
okay, fine, so i did. or relatively early, anyhow. so i got up at eight all ready to jump into action blah blah, and then you know what? a few things. 1) mom was busy with other things for a couple hours so i didn't get to the store until eleven twenty or so. *sigh* 2) she decided she didn't have time to actually go with me. she just dropped me off and said, "have at it!" or the motherly equivalent, anyhow. 3) i didn't actually buy anything despite the fact that she was going to pay for it.
what does all this mean? it means utter waste of my time! *sigh* that's okay, though. i was hoping that i would have found something appropriate for my recital, though. i really need to get something before the end of summer, and heavens knows if i can find stuff or if i'll have the time in utah. aside: stupid thing about women's fashion--we don't really advocate breathing all that much. i did get a really nice skirt a while back that would be appropriate except for the whole breathing thing.
damn my vanity. if only i wasn't so sensitive about looks i could just wear something in my closet and deal with the fact that it doesn't really fit right or look any good. but nooooo. we have to insist on something that actually fits, looks all right, and allows us to breathe. okay, i should just admit it's a lost cause.
well, so that was a quick tangent. anyhow, mom left about four today, and i won't see her until mid august. we we're pretty much on good terms when she left, too. oh wonder of wonders.
i never miss her. it's so awful of me. when i get back from school and things like that she tells me she misses me, and i tell her i do, too. i'm lying through my teeth, of course. (i really hate lying, too, but i think mom is just about the only person who i can lie to. with her, i do it out of necessity way too often.) occasionally i'll get twinges of missing dad a bit, but for the most part i never miss anyone but my friends. well, debi is one of my friends, so at least part of the family gets in on the action.
i really am an ungrateful wench. i'm such a member of the privileged middle class, but it's hard for me to see it daily in myself. with other friends it's readily apparent. like when kathryn whinged the other night about not getting coffee. good word, kat, it's bloody three dollar a cup ridiculous coffee. break the habit. i know that even to be able to not worry about finance is a privilege, but it's hard to see that as you live your spoiled little life. the thing is that i'm living on long island and all the rest of the people in my town are little princesses and whatnot. it's really disgusting. you can see it in the parents, too. they're even worse.
i really dislike long island. i love the cultural scene, but the people, by and large, should be shot. i don't really feel like it's home anymore, either. when i was driving around with dad and seeing the other drivers with their insanity and all the commercialism with malls and whatnot all over. i felt like i was in some sort of video game. i just couldn't see it as realistic. i told dad that, and he thought it was funny. *sigh*
it'd be funnier if i was kidding. i wonder what on earth i'm going to do with myself when i get out of school? i'd really like to just go on to grad school, but that might even be counterproductive, considering i'm not entirely sure what to do with my life. what life?
i wish i could just stop worrying about it, but that would probably also be counterproductive. darn it, i want to continue schooling. i feel like i haven't gotten much out of this yet, and if i come back when i'm thirty it will *not* be the same.
i used to think i knew what i wanted. i thought i'd go right into grad school. i was thinking george mason. i think i only wanted that because one of my favourite teachers went there, and it'd be near jenna. funny. now jenna is talking about going to grad school at chicago, and i've lost a good deal of respect for that prof. sort of a good thing, though. i can't live in the south. i'd melt to death.
it's so nice to have mom gone. i've got my music up full volume without worrying. heh. l'palais de justice. good song. plus i just found this excellent site for french lyrics, so soon i'll be able to figure out more than, "c'est toujours la même qui porte la croix" (it's always the same ones who bear the cross) and "nos yeux, pas bleus, brille dans le noir." (our eyes are not blue, but they shine in the dark) darn it, i can't translate well. that line is so hard, though. french is so beautiful, but when i go to explain the beauty and artistry of language to english speakers i come up with these stilted phrases.
the last line means literally, "our eyes, not blue, shine in the black," but noir isn't just used as black. it's freer than that. damn it, i need more fluency, maybe that'd help. i really wish i could find some people who have english as a first language, but enjoy the music i'm listening to. there must be some somewhere, right?? i know i'm odd, but i'm not that bad. am i? this stuff is really worthwhile, too. in general i really dislike rap, and i despise r&b, but i have to make an exception for this stuff.
the samplings they use for the hip hop are much better than the stuff i've heard in american rap, the lyrics are more meaningful and beautiful, the rappers themselves are more intelligent.
for my tech project i read a lot of interviews with french artists, and i was really impressed. akhénaton is now my hero. he's so damned well-spoken and intelligent. he's a taoist, and he talks about so many social issues. his song "j'ai pas de face" (i have no face) is such a brilliant satire of the pop music industry. i want to find people to talk with. damn, is that all i want from my life, conversation? it's certainly beginning to look like it.
it's not that all french rap is universally good, but i really enjoy even the cheesy stuff. i love speaking and hearing french. it's a gorgeous language.
sometimes it's just funny to hear some of the phrases, though. every time i hear, "ton père est un gangstère," (your father is a gangster) it cracks me up. well, maybe that's because of the associated image of my father as a gangster. *snerk* good word, what a concept.
who the heck cares about french rap anyhow? well, actually my tech class seemed really engaged when i presented my project. they're all music majors, though. although why music majors would descend to the level of rap is beyond me anyhow. it still felt fulfilling to share the stuff with people.
i have too much to say. i want to share everything. i used to think that i should keep it all hidden. i prided myself on the fact that no one knew the real me. you know what? now i want people to know, and they still can't figure it out. i can't figure it out. sharing my life puts no one in danger of understanding me. nice.
i'm still trying, though. someday i'll find someone who actually cares. ha. yeah right. when did i get so many opinions? why doesn't anyone care about anything i say?
it often looks like that to me. i think mostly on the brunching ubb, but that place is so overloaded with brain that one can't keep up. it'd still be nice if anyone had anything to say to me in response to anything i write. i'm just too used to being respected. even in my ridiculously competitive high school i got respect. (it was really nice to have a whole class of twenty something ap english students convinced i was brilliant.) strictly speaking i wasn't anywhere close to being the most intelligent, but everyone thought what i said was worthwhile. have i just lost all meaning since then? i feel like my feelings on matters are too obvious of late. how odd. i think looking at that statement that i meant that my beliefs have gotten mainstream. whoo boy, that's not right.
i never fall in the mainstream. i never have. i was born to be fringe. i'm so bloody complicated. i begin to amaze myself in how odd and diverse i can get, but i'm still so narrow in focus, too. who knew anyone could be this much of a contradiction. i'm beginning to think this will be the real reason i never have a relationship that actually works. i don't think i'll ever find any male with whom i can actually be just me. all of me, there's so damned much. it works with my female friends, but i think women are fundamentally very different and we find it easier to make deep friendships.
it's a lot easier for women to end up with an oppressive situation and a feeling of having secondary citizenship in society. also, women are encouraged to be loving and empathic. everyone has things in their life which have given them scarring, and in some cases i think deeper scars enable deeper empathy and feeling. it's incredible how quickly i formed such deep friendships with cara and julia, and they've made me realize that i can befriend people with relative ease. i think all the insanity i've gone through partially accounts for it. i think, though, it'd be a rare man who would actually be able to deal with me. i'm such a nutcase. :)
the thing with my roommates is that i'm still a trusting person, and i lived with both of them, and they were open people. almost all of my female friends have late night conversations with their roommates with a fair regularity. i know i have with all of my roommates, even the two i wasn't as fond of. i know some guys do, too, but i think a lot fewer. i think my relations with my mother and father have given me an overall lack of respect for all males. i need to meet some who are actually admirable, darn it. i'm sure i have misconceptions galore, since the only man i really know well is my oddball father. hum.
ok, what i'll say is that it won't be that the right guy won't exist, it'll be that i'll never find him since i'll be outcompeted. the thing is that i do believe i'm a worthwhile person (when i'm not feeling depressive, that is), but i'm not a valuable commodity in society's terms. well, debi found someone awesome. so maybe someday. i'm not as pretty as she is, though. she's thinner. damn it all. *sigh* more posting later, i think. whoo. i never shut up.
posted by Unknown at 6:28 PM