ok, so today i went out for about two hours or two and a half hours and picked up job applications. i got four, was told to print one off the internet, and one... well, i was as ditzy as i could ever fear. i went and asked at this deli-like place if they were hiring, and the person working the register said she wasn't sure, but that if i gave her my name, number, position i was interested in, etc, that she'd have whoever get back to me. it was at that point that i realized i don't really have any idea what my number is here. then i pulled out my little notebook ("i have it in here somewhere...") and came up with a number. apparently not the right one, though. i think it was my sister's work number, not home number. so the girl says to me, "this isn't a local number, this one is for a town about twenty minutes over." umm... okay. oops. so then she asked me what town i lived in. umm.... i dunno? i point off into the distance. "it's about five minutes that way." *sigh* she finally ended up looking it up for me in the phone book. i really came off as ditzy. *bigger sigh*
so after all of this i have: four applications to various stores/restaurants, two small blisters on my right foot, and an incredible sunburn. only on my face, though, since i was wearing an ankle length skirt and a long sleeved blouse. quite enough though. man, i never get burned because i always take precautions and i hardly ever go outside. i just completely forgot, though. utah has quite a bit of sun, too. i think that i was only actually in the sun for maybe an hour, and i was sticking to the shady side of the street, and i still look like a bleeding tomato. i am such a white girl. hurts! and i have nothing to put on it. (whinge whinge, i know)
i'm really hoping it just goes away overnight, because i don't want to go in tomorrow to submit applications looking like a cherry. argh. okay, drag mind away from the pain.
okay. see, the problem is that when i take my mind off of something intentionally, it goes running back to "i miss my friends!" we knew that. yes. want summer to end. get me my menial job and let's get on with it. it's nice to see my sister and all, but i'm hardly even seeing her anyhow. she spends a lot of jorg time, i gather.
i don't think jorg likes me. i'm hoping that it'll get better, but i think i just have nothing of interest to say to him, and the same for him. i don't understand that. debi and i are so alike. or i thought so, anyhow.
i used to want to be just like her. then i went through my next phase and wanted to break away. now i almost wish we were more alike, but i don't want to be like debi. heh. i think i've gotten to the point where i almost respect myself. or maybe comparatively i do? if i just stay in a good mood, then i like being me. all i need now are uppers. umm, no.
debi and i were talking today about this summer, and how i want to go back to school. it's not that it's bad here, it's that i have no purpose. pointless job will be followed by pointless relaxation with little of worth being accomplished ever, other than saving money. i don't really put much of a value on money, so that means little to me.
well, no. i do put value on money, but not consistently. i don't value material things much. only music and books, which, strictly speaking, are more ideas and art, so i think transcend the shallowness of materialism. i do, however, have a really large issue about wasting money. today debi asked me to check for depeche mode tickets online. they're forty five dollars. i don't think it's quite worth it. this is my favourite band, but i don't really want to spend that much money on them for such a frivolous thing. debi says she's paying for it, too, and i still don't want her to. i was arguing about it with her when she finally told me she wasn't going to argue and i had no choice in the matter. um, ok. "you're seeing your favourite band in concert whether you like it or not!" anyone else think i'm a nutcase?
it's not that i don't want to see them, it's that wasting money just bothers me. a one night concert.... with not especially good seats.... it's the jewish background, i think. or just the way my mom's family is.
well, i think i'll enjoy it, but i still don't think i'll find it to have been worthwhile. on va voir en juillet.
i like saying "on va voir." it's one of those phrases i sometimes think of in french before english. damn, i need to get to france. i'm so close to bilingual. i want to be. i'd feel somehow accomplished.
you know... if this was still the eighteenth century, i'd make an excellent potential bride. i excel at talking, cleaning (surprisingly enough, i do a great job when i decide to), playing music and speaking french. isn't that what you end up being trained in at finishing schools? only problem is the whole non-feminine issue. argh, i am not really that far off. mom just keeps insisting that i am. granted i don't wear much makeup or jewelry, i don't do my nails more than once every two months, and i don't wear typical clothing, but i'm not butch or anything. please, the hair alone makes me more frilly than necessary. mom just thinks i'll be happier if i'm more like her. honestly i'd shoot myself if i were like her.
*sigh* it's nice being at debi's and having only one boyfriend to keep up with. heh, a couple days before i left mom brought over a new and different suitor. i think the sixth one i've met this year. we were talking about it in her car the day after and she was saying how he was quite nice and all. "i have to get rid of him, though. he's too old." i laughed at her. she sounds like she's collecting. and really, how shallow is that comment? so personality doesn't matter, it's all about the fact that he's maybe sixty and looks it. *sigh*
i want a boyfriend. mom's got at least three at once. where's the justice in this world? i feel shallow when i'm thinking about these things so often.
i keep vacillating between really wanting a relationship and feeling that it would be detrimental. i was talking to debi about it, and i said that i don't think i'm normal enough, i'm not straightened out enough in my own head to be allowed to have a relationship. debi says, "what, do you think i'm doing better than you?" to which i had little to say, but i tried for inverse reasoning and said she must be since she's got a boyfriend. she didn't like that answer. okay, so she's screwed up, too. her relationship with rob looks pretty good, though. she said everyone deserves a relationship. maybe she's right. doesn't really help me find one, though.
damn modern medicine, i'd rather have gone on with whacked out, unbalanced hormones and continued to feel distanced from all this. argh. must... get... over...mental... focus.... BAD. i'm just stuck on the same few topics. i'm completely stagnant. damn me. this is my teenage years since i missed them hormonally the first time. *sigh* this all sucks copiously.
ok, it's definitely time for me to shut up. g'night.
posted by Unknown at 12:19 AM