ok, so today ended up being unproductive. why does everything seem unproductive lately? interviewer at the local grocery store didn't show. yes, interview to work at a grocery. because we can't trust any old yahoo to handle yams. *shrug*
i did finish off my other applications, and i'll be handing them in tomorrow. including little caesar's. oh joy. meanwhile, there's a section on that one asking for "honors/awards received". i don't know, that's a bit much, eh? i asked debi about it. should i really put things down there? she said, "what have you got?" you know what i've got? stupid things. i put two things down on debi's advice. national merit semi-finalist and listed in who's who in american high school students. stupid. what the hell does little caesar's care? stooopid. i could have put down a number of other, even stupider things, too, i'm sure. i've got a bunch of really petty and dumb honors. argh. especially in music. really stupid things. i have no respect for this crap. it's just glory for the schools themselves and for these organizations which want to puff themselves up. even organizations i respect, like tri-m, our music honour society, have stupid awards.
we don't do this much in college. i think it's a good thing, but then i'm not getting much recognition now, eh? i got a school of music service award, for all my insanity with early morning jaunts over to mason to help with audition days, but that's it. although i think having one of my compositions performed by our stupid flute ensemble was a bigger honour. still stupid, though. none of what i've done lately feels all that worthwhile. i think it's because i'm not that good at music itself.
woah, that's odd. i believe it when i write it and i can back it up by comparison, but then it's also patently absurd. there is just too much competition in the school of music. you never feel up to snuff because there are five hundred other music majors, and some of them are intending to actually perform for a living. if i'm comparing myself to my friend jim who has two music teachers for parents and was born with perfect pitch, then of course i lose out. i have all right-ish pitch, and two close to tone deaf parents. the thing with life is that circumstance doesn't matter. either you're good enough or you aren't and no one asks you how many hurdles you had.
this is one of the reasons i manage to maintain respect for myself when faced with some other people who show me up. people like my high school's valedictorian. yeah, ok, so you are bloody brilliant, especially in maths, but you're also psychotic and socially stunted, and you've had your parents helping you the whole way.
i have a theory. just one? i have many theories. well, anyhow... it's been observed that there is a fine line between genius and insanity. i know a lot of people who substantiate this. the thing is that all the people i know who are the english, music, acting geeks are harmless. yeah, they're all really odd and can be a trifle frightening, but they're just eccentrics and they aren't usually the sort who harm society. my thought is that some of the math/science geeks are the ones to watch out for. there was our valedictorian.... he rejoiced in telling me about how he could kill people with a tennis racket, tennis balls, his bare hands.... umm, yeah, okay aloke. pardon me while i back away. then there was neil. he was quiet, but frightening every once in a while. even the seemingly innocent paul. he was such a nice guy. i thought he was relatively normal. then he told us about his little idea to turn lake victoria into an atomic bomb.
these were some of the top minds in our school. well, theoretically. our high school tended to put a lot more weight on sciences and maths than on other liberal arts. talk about a way to make my accomplishments worthless. i was awful at research and half of awards night focused on it.
so the top minds of our school in terms of ranking were always the really messed up ones. we had so many weirdos. i never thought about it while i was there because it was the norm for me. going to a college that isn't terribly strong academically means that i'm associating with more normal people. well, my friends still aren't normal, but we just don't have that caliber of nutcase at fredonia. you know what? it's probably a good experience for me. i'm living real life. sort of. :)
all the psychos are off getting their impressive degrees. i think aloke might have gone off to harvard for pre-med. i hope he's never my doctor. they're all going to bring in jobs with high salaries at the end of this all. enjoy it. if money's what they're after, then fine. they'll fit in with the rest of long island. ew.
personally, i think i'm going to be a bit iffy when i get out of school, but i'm not sure how much i care. materialism and value on money are things that are mom's department. not to say that being financially well of would be a burden. heh. i wouldn't mind having the luxury of extra schooling and being able to finally afford the books and music i keep staring at, but really, what does it all mean anyhow? honestly i don't have expensive taste in anything. maybe shoes. ^_^ well, one pair of doc martens every two years isn't that much of an expenditure either.
i'm going to go and i'm going to live the iffy life. i'm going to worry about bills and live on beans for a few years. damn it, i don't care. i've figured out how to enjoy life and i'm going to go and do it. wow. i'm in a really good mood this past week. heh, utah is good for me.
*yawn* oof, i always get tired at about the same point. well, i've got to get to bed so that i can get my applications in tomorrow morning then meet debi and her work friends for lunch. why do these people want to meet me? *shrug* i don't know. i'm sure i'm just fascinating. right. *huge yawn* oh,yeah. it's time. g'night.
posted by Unknown at 12:42 AM