ok, so i missed last night. that's because debi and i went over to rob's house for the night. his couch is more comfortable than my bed is here. *sigh* anyhow, we stayed over so that we could all go to rob's (umm, what relation again?)'s house. whoever's house it was, i think she wasn't even there, which was odd. anyhow, so i met all of his family, except for his brother and whoever it was whose house we were at. that's still just odd.
it was really pleasant, and i'm glad i went. all of them are funny and really kind. it was strange for me to see a functional, loving family. i don't think that sort of thing occurs to me as within the realm of possibility. or i don't think of it as normal. or i don't think of it often. or all of those.
debi and i talked about it a bit afterward. she's been saying lately that she thinks that at this point there is absolutely nothing wrong with her life. what a nice feeling that must be. she's really happy with rob, she loves his family, and they seem genuinely fond of her. god bless, that must be nice. so debi's all thrilled with life, and now comparatively i get to be the depressed one. heh. *yawn* i'm not, though. i'm in such a great mood this past week. it's a great feeling. all i need now is a job.
anyhow, so we had such an amusing night last night... debi and i went to walmart (eww, walmart) to pick up a card and gift wrap and a gift for rob's father and grandfather. we ended up getting rob's father fish. twenty five feeder fish and two cute koi (how do you spell that?). the koi were cool. debs picked one that was golden, and i picked one that was almost iridescent. so then after they were bagged up debs asked if they'd be okay in the bags until the next day. umm... nope. two hours, the lady tells us. okay, what do we do now? we can't get a tank. it's suggested that a bucket could be a temporary fix. debi doesn't have a bucket. we run off through walmart looking for something cheap and bucket like.
we finally ended up with a trash can. yes, a trash can. we gave the fish to rob's father still in the trash can. nothing like taste, eh? it was amusing, though. we were juggling fish and milk and three gallons of distilled water for the fish while running through walmart and trying to get out in time to pick up rob from work. i have such an active sense of fun. yes, i enjoyed that. *shrug*
oh, don't shop for father's day cards the day before father's day. the one we got for rob's dad.... it had a picture of the rear ends of two elephants on the front. yes, we have taste. meanwhile, on the way to rob's house debi bring up a little "oops" point.
umm, oops, i forgot to tell your mother that my sister is a vegetarian... will she be able to actually eat anything at father's day dinner? rob promptly calls his brother *at one am* and asks him what's being served. apparently rob woke up his brother (who was supposed to be up at five) and his brother was so out of it that he wasn't sure he was awake. regardless, he still gave an accurate report.
meanwhile, rob is hysterically funny and is making all these little comments throughout that are so amusing i'm biting my hand in order not to drown out rob with laughter. plus rob can't seem to say "lacto-ovo." it kept coming out, "octo-lovo" followed by a tirade from rob on his odd incompetence. this whole episode was just so funny, but i think debi was a bit upset. she was hoping that she wouldn't inconvenience rob's mother, and i think that giving virtually no notice for this sort of didn't really help her plan. (oh, random interjection... i'm so proud--i haven't called him "jorg" even once.)
anyhow, so spending the night at rob's house was basically uneventful, and showering and whatnot the next day was equally so, with the possible exception of the theatrical performances of debi and i together in a bathroom trying to make ourselves normal looking. debs is all concerned because these are probably future inlaws, and i'm all concerned because i'm meeting these people for the first time, and my nose looks like death. *sigh* it's been a bloody week. what is up with my face? anyhow, so i'm whinging about the overall awfulness, and rob and his housemate, dave, are making rampant comments about odd things like the illuminati while debi attempts to put on makeup and i sit there moisturizing for all i'm worth.
anyhow, we made it there almost on time. it was a really nice day, actually. pleasant conversation, mocking of golf and the food network on tv, talking with people, just hanging out... oh, and being bombarded on occasion by two dogs. *sigh* will i never be free? well, they weren't that bad. the only thing was that debs asked me to bring my flute and i ended up performing for them all.
that's so awkward. yes, i can play plenty of things. no, you will not have heard of any of them. this is specialized, not popular. i always feel awkward about it. well, so i played some nice baroque crud, and some melodious modern stuff, but then debs pulled out "kokopelli." darn fun piece, but i think i scared the dogs.
*shrug* i know i'm good, but i don't think it's that easy for people to get enjoyment out of it if they aren't into the genre at all. i never feel like it's up to snuff, but in this case it's due to situation, not my efforts. anyhow, i think they appreciated it, and i've completely learned not to be nervous. i never used to be able to play in front of anyone without panicking. i think maybe all those late nights playing insane études in front of essena might have helped. after all, if i can play these really difficult things in which i am predestined to mess up in front of one of the best musicians in the school (in my humble opinion, but i can't convince her of that), then why should i fear playing in front of anyone else?
i'm so proud of myself for learning how to do this. it's helping me immeasurably.
i think i've decided i'm even more complicated than i previously thought i was. i've thought for a while that i just have poor self esteem, but i was trying to hold it up with logical points. now i'm beginning to think my self esteem is actually dualized, too.
when i'm not feeling down, i have an unshakable belief that i actually am intelligent, talented or whatnot, and dear heavens, can i write this? i think i'm pretty. i realized this today when i thought about the whole concept of vanity and preoccupation with appearances.(i'm definitely guilty of the latter, and i'm beginning to wonder about the former to some extent.)
when i look in the mirror, i expect to look good. if i don't (which happens rather too often to my taste) i'm displeased and i feel cheated, almost. i also realized that i feel that bad pictures of me are just that: bad pictures. i don't really look that hideous, i just have some really unphotogenic tendencies. on the whole, though, i expect to look nice. or at least just my face.
i couldn't believe it when i realized this. it's only depression that makes me consider myself unworthwhile. i shouldn't be that surprised, i suppose, considering i've already discovered exactly how much it taints my thinking. this is great, though. now it isn't so much a matter of trying to fill a black hole... it's more that i need to support the star and not allow it to collapse.
damn, it feels immodest to even think these things, but i'm just going to try and get over it. i'm not overly immodest, and i'm quite capable of respecting others, so there's nothing wrong with respecting myself. and i can do it. i never knew that before. damn.
i still think i'm a whacko for being this dualistic, but somehow there's a unifying thread to the whole, and i don't mind the complete image. i think this also helps me understand why i'm happier with the thought of being me than being anyone else. i have a strong self concept (to say the least!) and i really do respect that deep down. i wonder if i'll look at this in a few days and decide i'm nuts again? *grin* i am nuts. but i'm enjoying it.
anyhow, goodnight!
posted by Unknown at 1:35 AM